Harry's in Heaven

Memorial Day

2010-06-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it only took 1 1/2 years, but we finally got Harrison's headstone put in. It turned out better than I thought it was going to be. It is perfect just like he was.

One of my favorite memories and possessions I have to remind me that Harrison was really here are his footprints and the molds of his feet. So I knew when designing his headstone that I wanted his little feet on it.

It was a bittersweet day taking Finn to visit his brothers grave. He was only 4 days old, so tiny and precious. I am so grateful he's in our family but he's also a little reminder of what I missed out on with Harrison. I knew that he had also just been with him in Heaven and I knew they were the best of brothers and friends. Having Finn has helped fill a hole thats been in my heart for sometime. He has not and will never replace Harrison but he's given our family hope and peace. He is such a blessing and a little miracle in my eyes. I know he's helped Ruby and Hudson heal as well. I was hoping ever so much throughout my whole pregnancy with Finn that he really would be able to be apart of our family here on earth so I could show Ruby and Hudson and once he was born all I could think of was, I couldn't wait for Hudson and Ruby to meet him, to hold him, and to love him. They do love him. They love being with him, by him and he has helped us all. I am so grateful for all my sweet kids.

Our whole family. We are so blessed.

Harrys a big brother

2010-05-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hudson, Ruby, and Harrison welcomed their new baby brother Griffin "Finn" Lane Maw on May 27, 2010 @ 5:46pm weighing 6 lbs 10oz and 19 1/2 inches long.
The months leading up to his birth were full of joy, worrying, and more. I had been contracting on and off for a few days and was dialated to a 2 so my Dr decided we had waited long enough for our baby so he told us to head on over to L&D and he'd get us going. We were over joyed, but walking into the L&D room was a bit overwhelming, our last experience on that floor at the hospital was not a pleasant one. After a few minutes of crying and feeling overwhelmed, I was calmed by a blessing from my father and husband and was ready and knew that our little baby was going to be born and be ok. The labor was fairly painless and fast thanks to the epidural. And after only a few pushes our sweet baby Finn was born. That first cry was amazing and something I had been waiting for for quite sometime. Those first few minutes of him laying on my chest and connecting with him was unbelievable. He truly is a little miracle as all babies are. We love him so much, he is healthy and beautiful. I couldn't help but think of the sad and happy farewell Harrison and Griffin were having in heaven. I am so glad Griffin had his brother with him for awhile. I can only imagine what good brothers and friends they were. And it made me happy and sad in a way. But I know Harrison was so happy for Griffin to be with us. I know he loves us and knows we love him. There was an amazing spirit in the room when he was born. I know Harry was with us welcoming his little brother. We are so grateful to have him here with us and he is a lucky little baby to have Harry in heaven being a protector over him. I am such a blessed mother, I have an amazing family and I am so in love with my little guy. I am so grateful Heavenly Father let me be a mother again, it truly is amazing!
To see more pictures of his first moments visit our family blog here.

A loss is a loss

2010-02-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in awhile. Not much to say. Sometimes the more I post or check out other Angel mommies blogs it makes me sad for awhile and well, frankly, I like being happy. I like that I am at peace with what happened. I do miss Harrison and lately a lot. It seems like every time I watch some of my favorite shows on tv, someone is having a baby too early or losing one. And because I am pregnant, and with a little boy its a touchy subject for me to deal with right now because until this baby is in my arms I feel like I can't really breath. Although, things are going great so far.
For instance, The Duggars, yes I watch it, admit it, you do to. For those of you who may not know who I am talking about, they are a family of 19 kids, yes 19! CRAZY is all I can say. But hey they all seem to be great kids and she homeschools all of them so more power to them. However, I have to admit, I've had thoughts and maybe out loud as to how amazing it is that some people can't have one, some people have children with disabilities, and others have horrible pregnancies that end in loses. And they have18 kids and pregnancies and she had not had any problems, until baby 19 came. I felt horrible for thinking what I did. The mother had gallstones and preclampsia so bad that at 25 weeks they had to deliver her baby. It was the saddest and hardest thing to watch. The baby is alive and having its ups and downs but so far so good. I just blawed the whole episode, litteraly an ugly, couldn't breath kind of cry. It was too much to handle. First off, baby Josie didn't weigh much more than Harrison. She actually looked like him. It was hard to watch because of that but also because I am 26 weeks right now and so to think that if I had my baby at this point it still wouldn't guarantee that everything would go ok. I cried and cried, because I just thought about how much I wanted to make it to 24 weeks so badly. The whole time I was in the hospital thats all I kept hearing, just a few more weeks. Yet I remember moments where I would tell Trent, I can't take it anymore. I was in so much pain and so sick I just couldn't imagine hanging in there for 3 more weeks, yet I would've done it. I think Trent thought I was having a nervous break down and frankly I think I was. I thought about how if my body would have been able to hold for a few more weeks what my life would've been like. My heart ached for them. Not knowing the outcome of their sweet baby girl. I knew that was what I wouldn't have wanted for Harry to see him suffer yet part of me was upset that I didn't get that chance.
I feel like with every milestone I've passed in this pregnancy my chances of having this baby boy in my arms is getting closer and closer. I passed 13 weeks, the point where most pregnancies are successful after that. Then I passed 21 weeks, the point where I had Harrison. I then passed 24 weeks the point where babies are viable to live. Some live earlier but their chances of survival or having major problems is like 90%. And now that I am 26 weeks I feel like I've passed all the major hurdles. Things are going well and i feel great, can't complain (although I do). But still, if I were to have this baby tomorrow, there is nothing saying that he would survive or be ok. So really, I feel like at this point I still can't breath until he is here and in my arms. I am just trying to make it to May and then he can come anytime. I have reassurance that I've had 2 previous pregnancies that went off without any complications but when you've had one loss it doesn't matter that hope you have dwindles a bit.
Then I was watching Private Practice the other night, again a bad idea. And a couple delivered a baby at I think about 24 weeks. The baby was very sick and they tried a few surgeries but basically there was nothing they could do. So the parents decided to take the baby off life support so they could finally hold him and be with him. I ended up actually fast forwarding(thank heavens for DVR) so that I didn't have to watch.
I guess what I've realized is that it happens, to so many women. It breaks my heart to think that others have to endure what I did.
I recently had a friend who has had some problems lately with her health get pregnant. I know they were so excited because they had been trying for a few months and her little girl will be 4 in August, so she was ready to have another child. There were some problems from the beginning, not knowing if there was a baby at all or how far along she really was. So she went every few days to get her hormone levels checked. There were days where they were going down but then she had a few days where things seemed to be showing that they were going up. Well this week she found out that there was a sac but no baby and she was almost 10 weeks along, it is called a blighted ovum. A loss is a loss. I know people who have never been through any kind of loss or misscarriage probably think, so what there was never a baby. But they don't get it. There was hope that there was, her body was telling her she was pregnant, when in reality no baby formed. My heart breaks for her because that hope of a new life forming and a sweet spirit coming to earth was gone. I hope the best for her in the future that she can get pregnant again soon and have another child.
I have another good friend who has had 2 losses both around 16 weeks. I know she's struggled with infertility and then keeping her pregnancies. Its so hard to think that people can go through so many losses, why? We don't know. There is not much that can be done at this point in helping them conceive on their own so they are in the process of adopting. I pray daily and cry for her that it will goes well, that a birth mother will pick them, they are amazing and they deserve to be parents.
A loss is a loss, I know to some degree they all do vary. I did feel Harrison move, see all the US's when he was alive, go through labor for 3 days with him, they just let it take its time because I was so sick. Its no fun holding your baby who is not alive yet I am grateful I had the chance to be with him and hold his precious little, perfect body. Its also hard that I had to bury him. Its surreal going to your childs grave, and celebrating what would've been his birthday. But I am grateful for every milestone I had with him. He is my son and I love him. I know people who have lost babies after a few months or children and I can't imagine the grief they must go through having memories of them crying, smiling, talking. Its never easy to lose a child at any stage. A parent should never have to bury at child.
Life is hard. We don't know why things happen like they do but I do know that with a little faith and hope that there is a light and that our Heavenly Father does love us and want the best for us, it may not be what we want but he knows what we need. And for those of you out there that have never lost a baby, just remember a loss is a loss no matter how small.

A Special Gift

2010-01-08T14:57:00.000-08:00

For the longest time I have been wanting a picture of Christ with a little baby boy. There are many out there. Every time I went to Deseret or Seagull I would look at them and hope someday I would have one in my house. I had been hinting for the longest time that I wanted one. But just hadn't gotten one yet.

So a few days before Christmas, one of my dearest friends Laura stopped by to drop off a few gifts for our family. Her and her husband came in holding a huge present all wrapped up. It was for me. So sweet. They wanted me to open it right then so they could see my reaction. The minute I opened it I started to cry. I couldn't believe it. She mentioned that a long time ago I was talking about how and what to put on my Chocolate brown walls in my bedroom. We have a log bed and so the combination of the two had me stumped on how to decorate my walls. So she had her hubby make the frame for our room. But she didn't want to just give it to me empty and she knew how much I wanted a picture with Christ and a little boy or baby and when she say this though it was perfect and it is. I was just so overcome with emotion. I couldn't wait to show Trent. He loves it and it seriously makes us both sooo happy. Truly the most perfect, thoughtful gift. I told them that I loved the picture so much I didn't want to hide it in my room, since no one goes back there. So I am going to get a new frame to match my living room and then put a different picture in the frame for my bedroom. It looks amazing in there by the way.

A sweet and special reminder of where Harrison is and where we want to be someday.

Its a...............................

2009-12-17T18:48:00.000-08:00

My Dr doesn't' normally do US every appt but lately with the emotions and anxiety I've been having about this baby and pregnancy is getting worse. I'm approaching the time when things got worse and worse in my pregnancy with Harry and will soon be 21 weeks, which is when I had Harry. So its a hard time for me. I almost called my dr last week because of some pains I was having and just some worries but I decided I could wait one more week for my 16 week check up. A lot of pregnant women after 12 weeks think, phew, and a lot of people keep telling me, "yeah you've made it past the scary part", but really I haven't, I had a baby at 21 weeks and have a lot of friends who had babies at term who didn't make it, so really, until this baby is home and in my arms I don't think I'll be able to breath.

So I asked Trent if he could rearrange his schedule so he could come with me and give me some support.

The nurse walked in and I was trying not to cry. I think she could tell I was nervous and asked how I was. I explained that I was panicking, worried, so she said she'd take me to the US room so the Dr could give me some peace of mind. The minute the nurse left I started crying and couldn't stop. I wasn't sure if I was crying because of all that happened last time and being pregnant again was triggering those emotions, the nurse called it post traumatic stress, or if I was so emotional and worried because it was my bodies way of telling me something really was wrong. I was so glad Trent was there to be with me and hold me. He kept saying, it would be ok, although I'd heard that before and it wasn't the case, i felt like it would be.

Then my sweet Dr came in and felt so bad I was so emotional. He just smiled and said he'd take care of me and wanted us to have good news. So he started the US and the sweet baby was waving at us. It was so cute. My Dr couldn't have been happier to tell us that the placenta was in the right spot, no cysts, no blood clots, wonderful heartbeat, and what looked like a perfect baby. I was so relieved. I was still shaking and crying but I was so happy. My Dr was wonderful and took his time with us and talked to us reassuring us its totally normal to feel this way when you've had a traumatic experience and thing trigger it back up or are similar, like being pregnant again, to be emotional and overwhelmed. He said he was so happy to deliver good news and be apart of it and just told us he was here when ever we needed him. He is the best!!!!

We then asked if he could tell what it was. He said he'd try. He was pretty sure the "stuff" we were looking at were boy parts but he said he wasn't 100%, but he was pretty sure. So yes, a BOY!!!!! I was actually shocked I thought for some reason it was a girl, but we are so happy. I know Hudson and Ruby are happy is a boy because they miss their baby brother so much and now they both get to have a baby brother here on earth. I know when he's born it will be emotional holding a live baby boy but I also know it will be amazing. I am just curious for those of you who have had children after the loss of another one what it was like to either have the same sex or opposite sex? I think if it was a girl I'd be sad because I'd feel like I missed out my baby boy yet I feel like because its a boy I will be sad because I didn't get to raise Harrison here. So I guess its a mixture either way.

I know as I approach 20-21 weeks over the next month that it will be hard but I at least have a peace of mind that things are going well and nothing like last time. I am sooo grateful to be pregnant again and grateful for another baby boy. We can't wait for him to come, although we can.

A Rainbow

2009-11-09T11:44:00.001-08:00

Isn't it amazing that after a crazy dark, rainstorm, that beautiful rainbows appear? Well, last year we went through quite a dark storm with the birth of our baby boy Harrison at 21 weeks. But we are happy to say that Harrison has sent us a Rainbow. Yes we are pregnant, 11 weeks to be exact.
Many of you mothers out there that have lost a baby are away what a rainbow baby is. It is a baby conceived after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. "Rainbow babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of a storm. When a rainbow appears it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that a family is not still dealing with its loss. What it does mean is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides the balance of color, energy, light, and hope.

We are so thrilled for this new life and hope that Heavenly Father has blessed us with. I am a bit scared, nervous, overwhelmed, but I am really excited. The day after I found out I got Harrison's box out. I hadn't looked at it for awhile and I wanted to look at all my Us's I had, his feet and hand molds, his pictures, and the few items I have to remember him by. I broke down, it was overwhelming and hard to see that sweet baby. But I think I am doing ok. I do feel guilty sometimes about having another baby, but I've heard that's pretty normal when you've lost a child and bring another one into this world. But I want you to know I am very happy and just hope everything goes smoothly and quickly. June can't come soon enough. It will probably be a May baby though because I usually go 1-2 weeks early. I have been assured by my Dr that everything will be fine. I have no blood clots, bleeding, and the baby is doing well. What happened to my body with Harry was so rare. I was the 1% of patients with Subchorionic Hemmatoma's that end like mine. I do have a rather large cyst on my left ovary but he said its pretty common in pregnancy and it should go away on its own. But he said he'd keep a close eye on it and me and he'd see me whenever I wanted to. I am actually doing well. I was worried I would get sick on my trip but I was ok. I got a horrible cold while we were there but was not affected to much by the pregnancy. I can't complain really. We are so blessed to have another life brought into our home. The kids are excited but a bit confused. I think until I have a belly they will not fully understand. The other day when I came home from my appointment Hudson said, "did the Dr take the baby out?" I started to cry. I think he is scared too. Seeing as he is older, he does remember all that happened with Harrison and knows he's not here but has a hard time with why he is not here and why this baby will get to stay with us. We did hesitate telling them or anyone for that matter for awhile, but I have a hard time keeping a secret and since everything is ok, then I think its better to all the support and prayers we can get.

1 Year

2009-10-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

One year ago today we said Hello and Goodbye to our sweet baby boy Harrison Samuel Maw. Today is a bitter sweet day. Its hard to celebrate your babies 1st birthday when they aren't even here. I can honestly say I didn't want to get up this morning. I have actually been dreading this time of year. Halloween, the dressing up, the parties. I was so sick last year and in the hospital that I missed out on it all. It doesn't have good memories of this time of year. So when I had waited till last minute to get costumes for the kids I realized I was putting it off because I didn't want to face Halloween. But I am grateful I am healthy and am able to celebrate with them this year although it is hard.
The kids were begging for breakfast but I didn't want to get out of bed, all I could think about was what happened 1 year ago. How much my life changed in one day. I remember so vividly that day and the days that lead up to it, those days while I was in the hospital are a bit blurry because I was not all there. I do remember a few days before I had Harrison, the night when things went terribly wrong. I started to hemorrhage and then a code was called and there was a team of nurses and Doctors working on me. And in the midst of it all when I was out for a moment, I remember peace. I remember thinking, this isn't scary, I feel so happy and peaceful. There was no commotion. Then I woke up and saw everyone around me. There was commotion, there was panic, there were tears and fear in Trents and my moms eyes. Then I realized it was not good. I tried to cling to that few seconds when I was out and felt peace, but for the next 4 days there was little peace. I was in labor the whole time but it was slow. I was so sick they were just letting it take its course. I remember telling Trent, what happened to me, how while I was out, I felt peaceful, I believe that was Heavenly Fathers way of comforting me and saying to me, you can do this, I am with you and I love you. The physical and emotional pain over those days was awful, but that few seconds when I felt that peace and whenever I received blessings through it all I felt the presence of our Heavenly Father. All I can say is my prayers were not answered in the way I wanted them to because otherwise my baby would be here today, but I do know that I was saved, I am alive today. I was able to see and hold my baby and I am able to be here for my kids, husband and family. We are also so blessed that we are able to have more children and that I am pregnant again now.
As scary as the situation was, when he was born there was peace. The veil was thin and I know that even though Harrison was not alive, he was in the room along with other angels and Heavenly Father. I will never be able to explain that feeling but all I can say is I Cherish those moments so much. I am grateful we were able to give him a name and a blessing and that when the blessing was given that Lane, (trents dad) thanked Harrison for letting me live. He also asked that Harrison would be an angel for our family. That we'd always remember him and that he'd watch over us and keep us together so we could all be together again.
I love him so much. Its hard to explain how much I really love him. Today is a hard day but I am getting through it. I have prayed for peace today and I feel it, although its been very emotional. Trent teaches late on Wednesday nights so we decided to celebrate his birthday on Monday for family home evening. So all our family came out and meet at his grave, we said a few words, and then did a balloon realise. Then we had everyone sign a pumpkin for him since he is our Halloween baby. It was such a neat experience. To see all those balloons go up.
I just wanted to say Thank You for all your love an support over the past year. For listening to me complain and for letting me talk about Harrison on our blog. He is my son and always will be. I love him dearly and know he is apart of our family and is watching over us daily. I like to think that today is he hugging me and that he is with me. I am grateful to have Hudson and Ruby in my life, I think I have given them way to many hugs and kisses today and told them I loved them a lot. I think you should all do the same.

The whole family together.

We all wrote on a pumpkin our b-day wishes to Harry.

We were so grateful to all our family that came out to celebrate such a special birthday.

It was quite emotional seeing all the balloons go up in the air.

After we let the balloons go Hudson started crying and couldn't stop. Its so heartbreaking to see your kids upset. He really loves his baby brother and misses him. He kept asking why Harrison wasn't there for his party. I am glad my kids have been apart of Harrison's life from the beginning and were able to hold him and love him. However I think it gave them a strong connection to him and its been hard for them to cope with the loss, at least Hudson.

Happy Birthday Harrison. We LOVE YOU!!!!!

Occupying my every thought

2009-10-07T11:00:00.001-07:00

This little baby is occupying my every thought right now. I feel I have come to a peaceful place in losing him. I never thought I'd get to a peaceful place. I still miss him. I still think about him and Hudson and Ruby still talk about him almost everyday. I love that they haven't forgotten about him. I love that every night when they say their prayers when they are thanking and asking Heavenly Father to bless all the people in our family they never forget to say, Harry.
I never really thought I'd get to this place, a place where I don't cry everyday, am not depressed or sad. However I do still miss him, and lately I can't get him out of my mind. Trent and I are in the final stage, finally, of getting his headstone in. I really wanted it in by his birthday but I don't know if that will happen. I know he's occupying my thoughts right now because 3 weeks from today, October 28th is his birthday. I am trying not to think about the 3 weeks that lead to his birth, the downhill cycle I took in my health that lead to such a horrible experience and his early birth. I am trying to focus on those 21 weeks I had to spend with him. Today Trent said to me, that he was talking with someone at his office about the past year and he said it hit him that what has happened has really effected him not only at home but at work. He's been affected too and I hate to see him sad, but just like me he's doing well, most of the time.
Trent and I are trying to think of ways to celebrate but don't really know what to do. He is my son and even though he is no longer with us I feel it is important to celebrate. I am thinking of a balloon release by his grave, but if you have any other suggestions I would love them. Thanks for all your love and support.

SCH

2009-09-26T15:25:00.000-07:00

Every time I visited the Dr when I was pregnant he would say a word, a diagnosis that explained my condition, it started with a C but I could never remember it when I got home or when I tried to explain to others what I had. So the other day out of curiosity and because I want to get pregnant again I decided to search the Internet for some more explanations about a blood clot in or near the uterus during pregnancy and I found the word, Subchorionic Hematoma, my Dr always called it a Chorion. When reading about it, it hit me hard how scary my situation with Harrison really was. I wanted to put a bit of information on here about what it was and how really if you are diagnosed with one during your pregnancy the chances are 1-3% that it will end like mine did.

The US above was of my little Harrison at 11 wks and 3 days. I have tons of US pictures in my almost 21 weeks of him in my womb. I went every other week sometimes every week to see the progress of the clots. As you can see, Harrison is in the middle and at the top are two large black masses almost looking like 2 sacs. That was my chorion and each time it was bigger, you can see in this US it was bigger than he was.

Years ago, when a woman presented with early trimester bleeding, doctors assumed it was an impending miscarriage. They had no other information to go on, but now with new technology and US's they have a better idea as to what is going on. That's what I thought was happening. I was over 9 weeks and bleeding heavily, heavily. I was horrified. So when I went in and they found a heartbeat and that everything was fine I was shocked.

A Subchorionic Hematoma is a gathering of blood between the membranes of the placenta and the uterus. A more technical name is the chorion. Some doctors will also just refer to it as a blood clot.

Causes of Subchorionic Hematoma

There is no known cause for a SCH but many researchers speculate that during egg implantation, the egg slightly separates or tears from the uterus causing a bleed. There is nothing a woman did or could have done to cause or prevent them. SCH occurs to pregnant women of all ages and races.

Of course I go over and over again in my head all I did around the time I got pregnant. I know I didn't do anything but its hard not to blame yourself or wonder what you could've done different. I went to Lagoon, a big amusement, roller coaster park we figure when I was about 5 weeks pregnant. I didn't know I was pregnant but of course now that I look back on it I did ride almost all the scary rides, you know the ones that say, don't ride if pregnant. My Dr assured me that did not cause this, but of course I can't help but blame myself.

Diagnosing Subchorionic Hematoma

Diagnosing a SCH is based on its symptoms and visualization via ultrasound scan. Many women visit the doctor or emergency department with the chief complaint of vaginal bleeding during early pregnancy. An ultrasound, either transvaginal or abdominal, would more than likely be carried out. During the ultrasound scan, the doctor or radiologist will locate the fetus and assess it’s current condition. Identifying a SCH by an untrained eye is difficult. The clot appears as a black mass within the uterus. It almost appears as if another placenta is present. Ordinary ultrasound images appear blackish with visuals of bone. After a visual of the blood clot is made, and it appears a woman is not having a miscarriage, the diagnosis of SCH is made.

Having a diagnosis of SCH instead of a miscarriage is probably a relief but having SCH comes with it’s own concerns.

I remember feeling relief when the Dr told me I had a Chorin. I was so glad that I wasn't miscarrying. I was told that in most cases the clot will go away on its own and I should be fine. But to take it easy.

Treatment of Subchorionic Hematoma

There is no formal treatment for this blood clot but each doctor is different. Some suggest that you can continue with your everyday activities while others may suggest taking it easy. Some physicians even suggest refraining from sexual intercourse throughout pregnancy and bed rest. Surgery is not an option. Straining and heavy lifting should be avoided- as such for a normal pregnancy.

Some doctors prefer a ‘wait and see’ approach while others choose to use medications. Blood thinners such as: aspirin, Lovenox (inj), Coumadin and Heparin (inj) are used in attempts to ‘bleed’ the clot out. Estrogen and Progesterone therapy is also sometimes used to aid in the development of the pregnancy.

I was never put on blood thinners and I doubt they would've down anything because every time I bleed really bad and passed clots I would go to the Dr and be so excited to hopefully see on the US that the clot was gone, but every time the Dr did it, he would say, it was bigger. I was on major restrictions from day one and eventually put on bedrest.

The current statistics for pregnancy loss with a SCH is 1-3%. This low percentage is related to large clots. Most pregnancies progress with no further complications. Most clots resolve on their own by 20 weeks of pregnancy. The clot either bleeds itself out or the body absorbs it. Isn't that sad, most resolve by 20 weeks, i had Harrison at 20 weeks 4 days.

Because by the time I got into my 3rd trimester my clot was not gone but bigger, I was placed on bedrest and told to take it easy. I was told that they were going to try and get me to 24 weeks for the chance of my babies survival to double. I was told I was at high risk for pre-term labor and I would most likely not make it to 30 weeks.

Women with SCH are at greater risk for placental abruption or abruptio placenta. Placental abruption is when the placenta tears away from the uterus. This is an extreme pregnancy complication that requires immediate medical attention. If the placenta separates from the uterine wall, the health of the fetus is in danger.

Due to the Chorion I was hospitalized due to blood loss and to keep a close eye on me and Harrison. I was told I would be there till I delivered and that they were going to do all they could to get me to 24 weeks. Well 3 days in the hospital and on full bedrest, I had not bleed the whole time I was there, then one day I had a subchorionic Hemorrhage that led to pre-term labor and a placental abruption, the clot got too big and made it almost impossible for the placenta to hold it and the baby. There was no way of ever knowing it would end the way it did. I always had total faith in my Dr and had my hopes up the whole time, I never thought in a million trillion years it would end the way it did. Even when I look back on it, there was never a day, even when I was hospitalized that I would lose Harrison or even come close loosing my life. When I lost Harrison my Dr had never had a SCH case end like mine. Even most of the nurses in my labor and delivery area that were taking care of me never thought it would end like it did, we were all shocked to say the least. There really was no way of knowing and now when reading up on this I realize he was right. That is why if I do get pregnant again the chances of that happening again are well, 0-none. I was the 1%.

SCH is a risk early in pregnancy because the clot itself can cause a miscarriage. The clot can release completely from the uterus and cause the fetus and placenta to miscarry. This was a worry at first but because the baby was always bigger than normal and had a heart beat they were pretty sure I wouldn't miscarry.

Women with SCH may experience intermittent periods of vaginal bleeding throughout their pregnancy. This experience would more than likely be a result of the clot ‘bleeding out.’ Blood is an irritant to the uterus and cramping may be accompanied with the bleeding. While seeing blood while pregnant can be very scary-it is very common with SCH.

I know this is a sad thing to write about but seeing as its almost Harry's 11 month I have been thinking a lot about him and about a new baby and what my future will hold. I have been terrified to get pregnant again and I know when I do it will be scary I am sure of that especially if I see one drop of blood but researching this has given me some hope, some insight into how rare my situation really was and I am hopeful. I cry as I write this that it really was so rare and why did it have to happen to me but I know it was for a reason. I love my baby and miss him. I opened his box today to get out the US pictures and just bawled seeing him and those clots inside. It was so sad that it happened. I have no pregnancy pictures of him in me other than the US and they are so precious to me.

Our Complete Family

2009-08-26T10:48:00.001-07:00

In March we had family pictures taken with Trent's family, we just got them back last week. Yeah took a long time huh.
I was really sad at the time. Harrison's due date was coming up and I was just having a really hard time with it. I was especially sad that all his siblings were going to be taking pictures with all their children and one of mine was missing. I was also sad because most people do not know that I have three children, they just see what they see. So I had the picture of Harrison's feet blown up and framed so that we could have at least one Complete family photo. This picture makes me cry but in a good way. It makes me happy. I know someday there will be more children added but for now, this is my whole family.
I think it turned out great, however I wish I wasn't wearing those darn glasses.

Doctor appointment

2009-08-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

I have been on the pill. Part of me feels guilty for taking the pill. I know there are many women out there who can not bare children and so I'm sure its hard for them when people take a pill to not get pregnant when they can. I take it for medical reasons as well as the actual birth control part. But lately haven't been doing well on it. Trent and I have talked a lot lately about trying again. I think we feel ready emotionally, I think. There are a few things holding us back money, the medical bills from Harry, and we are going to Hawaii in October for his sisters wedding. I know lucky me, I've never been and totally deserve a good vacation, with just my hubby, well, I guess his whole family will be there as well. Oh and did I mention I don't have to pay for the trip? Yeah that's the best part. So part of us want to wait till after Hawaii, for one it will have been a year since losing Harrison, and two, we are a bit worried about the high risks for me and getting pregnant and then flying. But lately I keep thinking, I'd only be a few weeks, maybe a month or two so I'd probably still be ok. We just need to think/pray it through some more.

So in July I was still on the pill but didn't have a period. I was a bit shocked, I was on the pill, hadn't missed a day, so how could this be? It would've been the exact time and way that I got pregnant with Harrison. I did miss about a weeks worth of pills, but still, I was on the pill and got pregnant, a bit of a shock. Well, then the time came for me to start my next pack, I still hadn't started so I took a pregnancy test, Negative. I have to say I was a bit disappointed, but relieved. So I called my Dr to ask him what I should do. Do I still start the next pack? Do I wait till I do start? Could I really be pregnant? He said some women will miss a period or two on the pill but if I wanted to, I should take one more test to make sure. So I did and still negative. So I talked to Trent a bit about stopping the pill and not starting it again. i said that if in the next few months we are ready to try, it might be good for my body to get back to its "normal" schedule of ovulating and all that, and that we could use other methods till we were ready. So I didn't start the pack. Two weeks went by, still no period, then another week. I finally made an appt with my Dr, it was actually time anyway for my yearly and I had a lot of questions on getting pregnant again and the risks that I might face.
My appt. was yesterday. I have to say I was a bit scared, nervous, and overwhelmed. First, I hadn't been there since I went for my two week check up after having Harrison, second, I was worried, I either could really be pregnant, and I would be 8 weeks along, or something could be wrong with me.
I had been having some pain/pressure in my lower abd. as well, so along with the exam he wanted to do an US to see if there was a Cyst or something else. It was really good to see my Dr. I love him so much. He was amazing with me through all I went through and sat by my side through the whole thing. He was so glad to see me. We did the US and he did find a cyst. Not a large one but not a small one either. He explained that it was probably due to not having a period so that when my body started to get on a normal cycle and ovulate it formed a cyst. He suspects I should start soon and if I don't in the next week or two to take a pregnancy test because I could be pregnant because I'm not on the pill anymore.
Then came the discussion about having another baby. He was so excited for me that I said we thought we were ready. He reassured me that he really didn't see any risks for me for having another child. He said that usually when he see's patients with large blood clots in the uterus, that they really do go away during the pregnancy. And they really thought mine would but for some reason every time I bleed and we thought it would be gone it would be larger. He said there was a placental abruption because of the blood clot so I was not at risk for having another. I was relieved. I was so excited and just overwhelmed with emotion. I started to cry. I was just so happy to hear that I should be ok. He too showed some emotion and hoped it happened easy for us. He said of course he'd watch over me closely and I could see him as often as I wanted for reassurance. I love that Dr.
So I am not pregnant, not yet any way. I am ok, just waiting to see if I start. He said the cyst should go away with my period, so I may have some pain but he expects it not to be bad. Trent and I have a lot of praying and thinking ahead of what we feel is right for us and I know that the money and bills will always be an issue so really its just a matter of when we feel is right. I for one and getting more and more anxious everyday, although scared, I am ready to have another baby.

Questions

2009-08-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to hold a question and answer session. You and all of you, even you little blog stalkers you, are welcome to ask anything you want. I have had questions in the past and thought that to answer then in a post would be good. So ask away. Anything from my family, to Harry, to me, to my church. Whatever you would like to know about me I will answer the most honest and open way possible.

Some Comments

2009-08-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

The last few days I've been sad again. Not bad, but just thinking a lot and had some different experiences recently. Part of it could be that last Tuesday was Harrison's 9 month mark. It seems like yesterday I was stressing over his pregnancy wondering how things would turn out, not realizing it wouldn't be the way I wanted. It was this time last year that I kept thinking I was pregnant, but I was on the pill and thought I had a period. So I didn't find out I was pregnant till I was about 9 weeks along. I started having symptoms, waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I remember one night telling Trent, "ok, I'm not going to drink anything after 7:00 and watch, I'll get up in the middle of the night and have to go and still have to go when I wake up. " And low and behold I did. Plus my boobs hurt. So I took a test and crazy enough it was positive. We were shocked, not ready, and I had been taking the pill although I had missed a week but still really? The period I thought I had, was not a period at all but the beginning of a horrible pregnancy. I've just been recalling a lot of what happened throughout those 5 months and remembering things I had forgotten and thinking, oh if that wouldn't have happened, or if I would've done this or that. I know I can't do that, but sometimes when I remember certain things I wonder, "would I have been ok and Harry been ok if that wouldn't have happened?" But then I stop myself. I know he is where he is supposed to be, although I still miss him.

Anyways, so I've been around a lot of babies lately, all boys and one was the same age Harrison would've been if he was born around his due date. I couldn't help but just stare at him and take in everything about him. His smile, what he was doing at that age, and just how cute he was. It was as if I was looking into Harry for a moment. He didn't seem to mind that I was staring, he smiled and cooed at me. His mom was so sweet to ask how I was doing and if it was hard to see her baby, knowing they would've been the same age. We just talked and it was nice to talk. He melted my heart. I wasn't really sad it just made me realize what I would've had.
Anyways, so lately as time has gone on and its almost been a year, I've noticed that his name or things about him do not come up. Sometimes it makes me sad. I know that I am partly to blame. I feel that for the most part, and on most days I am in a good place, so I don't think or talk about him so when his name does come up I light up. I love when people ask me about him or how I'm doing. But I've had a few comments lately that I just want to reach out and slap the person.
The first comment-It was that time of the month, you know, PMS, I was so awnry, had a horrible headache and my kids were just being extra crazy, probably just being normal kids but because of my situation I was extra awnry. I had taken 3 kinds of different meds over the course of the day that didn't take the headache away so you can see why I didn't feel good or thought my kids were being crazy, and we were at a party. I remember getting mad a few times at the kids and as I walked away one time a lady said, "Aren't you glad you only have two? Wow can you imagine if your other one was here? Hopefully its a long time before another one comes, just know that's how kids are. So you have to deal with it better." SERIOUSLY? Did she just say that to me? She's a mom, and was to little kids at once, doesn't see remember that as much as you love them sometimes they drive you crazy and especially when they don't mind and you don't feel well? I did like yell or anything, we were at a public party but I was losing patience, I just put them in timeout that was it. I know there are days when I think, wow could I have handled two? But that's for me to say and yes of course I could've handled three kids, I would kill to have Harrison here right now. I just walked away and wanted to cry. I was so hormonal and in pain and on a normal day my kids probably wouldn't have bothered me, but lady don't criticize me. And think before you talk.
Then, I was at the store the other day and an old acquaintance came up to me and commented on how good I looked. Of course who doesn't want to hear that. And she asked how I was doing after everything. I thought, wow that is so nice of her to ask. I should've waited thinking that because then she said, "Aren't those third babies so hard? Wow the labor and everything after. I am still trying to recuperate, pushing that baby out and then all the sleepless nights." (she just had her 3rd baby about the same time I had Harry. But remember I was only 21 weeks and he didn't live.) "Staying up all night and then having to deal with two other kids. Its so hard, oh yeah, but your baby. "(she kept saying, oh yeah but your baby.) Like oh yeah your baby didn't live but still isn't it hard? Then she went onto to say, "Oh and then seeing them grow so fast its so crazy, oh yeah but your baby. " Seriously it went on and on. She kept saying stuff like, how hard the labor was, and how hard it was to recuperate after and taking care of three kids, and I was thinking, do you know? Do you know my baby didn't live? Do you know that I almost died? I was like what? My baby what? Oh yeah my baby died? Seriously. No tact some people. She said some worse thing but I can't recall all of it, other than the fact that it was really rude. Its good I'm not easily offended but come on, don't compare me to you please. I do have a third child but mine is nothing like yours.
Anyways, just wanted to get that out. I hadn't posted in awhile, busy, and feeling good, but the last week has been hard. Trent and I went to the temple a few days ago, I hate to admit it, but I hadn't done a session since before I was pregnant with Harry. I was unable to go when I was pregnant or after for awhile, and then just recovering and moving and life I hadn't gone. But it felt so good to go. I cried through almost all of the session. Then in the celestial room I was bawling, I'm sure people were wondering what happened, because it wasn't a, "oh its so spiritual" kind of cry. I just missed him and could feel how special it was there and knew that I would be with him again someday. I desperately want another baby, I am ready I think, I think about it all the time and thought I was pregnant awhile back and when I wasn't I was really sad. We are still trying to get rid of all those medical bills and hopefully save a bit but I just don't want to wait, so we'll see what happens.
Anyways, a random post but things are good.

Peace of Mind

2009-07-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

I have meet some amazing women over that past 8 months, unfortunately we met because we all belong to the same club, a club no one wants to be apart of, the "I lost a baby" club. I admire and look up to all these women. Their strength, faith, and friendship have helped me get through this hard time in my life. Its been great to have someone to talk to that understands. I have meet Natalie and Amy and I love them and my heart aches for what we've all been through, I am sad we had to meet the way we did but I am grateful for them.

Today I want to talk about Natalie and Amy. Above is a picture of Rob and Natalie and their sweet baby boy Branson. You can read of their story here. Natalie and Rob tried for over 5 years to get pregnant and finally they were blessed with baby Branson, however the day before he was due to be delivered via c-section there was no heartbeat. As much as Natalie and Rob have struggled they have also endured through this hard time and just this year were blessed to find out they will be parents once more, this time to a little girl.

As excited as they were to be having another baby, its also terrifying to think what happened could happen again. But there is something that can be done to insure their peace of mind. There are specialists who take care of parents who have been through similar experiences in losing babies invitro due to cord accidents, but you can imagine the cost that comes along with the machines and Dr's visits. So Amy, click here to read about her and her sweet baby Alexis, started a website/blog to help raise money for Rob, Natalie, and their new baby girl who will be born this fall. Isn't she amazing and so selfless? To read more on how you can help please click here. Amy also set up a giveaway so that you can support the family in donating money but you can also win prizes in the process. One of my Sweet Ruby blankets is even part of the giveaway, click here to go to the giveaway. So please show your love and support and help a family who deserves to raise a baby on this earth. Please help them have Peace of Mind.

Visiting a newborn

2009-06-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

A few months into my pregnancy with Harry one of my best friends found out she was pregnant. I was ecstatic. How fun to be pregnant together, have kids, hopefully both the same gender so they could play. Her pregnancy was one of those normal ones while mine was not. Then of course all went down hill and Harry was born too early. No such luck of having our babies be friends in this life. She was such a good friend through it all.
A few weeks after I had Harry she found out she was having a boy. I have to say it was hard so hear. I was so wishing she'd have a girl just so it would be easier on me, but I know now I was being very selfish. i eventually got over it and the last couple weeks as happy as I was for her I was also so jealous. I knew she was going to have her baby boy any day and she was preparing for it. I love those last few weeks of pregnancy. As tired, sick, and fat as you are, its so amazing. Feeling that baby move, getting the room ready, doing all the last minute things, wondering how big and what they'd look like. I wanted it to be me so bad. But I really was happy for her. I couldn't wait to hold him and see him. I kept telling her that security better be close when I come to the hospital to see him because I may be tempted to run out with him. Of course only joking.
Well, that baby boy, Jacob, was born last Saturday. Saturday night her husband called me to tell me everything went great and they were both doing well. I was relieved and excited. The minute I hung up the phone I told Trent and then started crying. All I could think and say was, "I wish it were me right now." I was jealous. Jealous that she had a baby, a boy at that, a healthy one, that she made it through her pregnancy and that all went well. I was so happy for her. I know she was nervous her whole pregnancy, a few people she'd known lately had horrible experiences having babies and losing babies and something was wrong with her babies umbilical cord the whole time, nothing crazy but not good either, so I know she was so nervous and it was finally over and he was here, healthy, and 8 lbs 3 oz and 21 inches long, they were happy and realized.
If it wasn't so late in the night I would've run up to the hospital immediately to see the new baby, but it was so I told them I'd call in the morning. We woke up and went to church and my mind was occupied all day. Thinking about it. I've had two healthy babies in the past, gone through "real" labor 2xs. I say real because Harry was only 21 weeks so I only had to dilate to a 5 or 6 for him to come out. So I know I could do it again and want to do it again I am just scared and nervous to do it again. I tell Trent everyday I want a baby and I know sometime in the next while we probably will try, but paying off all those medical bills and getting me better has been our focus. So hopefully soon.
When we finally got home I called and told them I'd be up shortly. So I hopped in the car and made the short drive to the hospital. I was all nerves. I was shaking and had butterflies. I was so nervous. I didn't know how I'd react. As I made my way to that part of the hospital, it hit me, I hadn't been in that part of the hospital since I went through my experience. I felt the wave of emotions hit me like a brick wall. As I came to her door I hesitated a bit. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to go in? As much as I was so scared at how I'd react when I did go in, I did want to go in. I needed to go in. I entered the room and instantly felt the love and peace that was in the room. I felt as though I was going to cry and then I say her in-laws and held it in. They were holding the sweet baby over by the window so I tried to focus on Laura and talk to her about the experience and how she was doing. Then they asked me if I wanted to hold him, I did, more than they ever knew. So I washed my hands and then took baby Jacob in my arms. Then it hit me, the tears just came and wouldn't stop. I felt so stupid, most of the people in the room had no idea what I had gone through (her in-laws that is). I turned and faced the wall while I held him. I had to close my eyes and not look at him for moment. I prayed for peace and thanked Heavenly Father silently in my mind for the miracles that are born everyday and that I could have one someday. Then I looked down at that precious baby, a miracle. I think all babies are miracles. He was beautiful, perfect, precious. It made me realize how small Harry really was. Harry was half the size of Jacob. I felt so at peace holding him, even though I was bawling. I had not held a newborn since Harry and I think being in the same hospital, the same rooms, and holding a baby that I should've had was just overwhelming. But I was happy. I was so happy for her, for him. I really missed my baby and what I could have, should have had with him. As I left, my mind was full of questions, thoughts, and emotions. I have come to a peaceful place in losing Harry but its still hard sometimes. I realized how much I really did miss out on and how much I really did miss him. I got in my car, closed my eyes and cried. I took a couple of deep breathes, calmed down and drove home thinking of that family and their precious baby boy they get to love everyday. I can't wait for that day again.

They need prayers and a miracle

2009-05-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

I have been following a sweet family who have one daughter and then also lost a baby they named Angel at 18 weeks. I was so heart broken as I always am to see other families have to go through what we went through. But that's only the beginning. This family is needing a miracle and lots of prayers and they deserve them. Ericka is currently pregnant, I think around 20 weeks or so and they have gotten some terrible news lately that their baby has many problems. The doctors are telling her to terminate and for those of you out there that have lost a child, you know that is not even a possibility. Please visit here and leave her a comment for hope and your prayers and support and spread the word. They need them right now. My heart goes out to her and I hope they can get a miracle.

Goodbye Kayleigh

2009-05-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

I was so sad to hear of the passing of little baby Kayleigh. Many of you may have seen this "Pray for Kayleigh" button. She was born over 3 months early weighing in at only 1 lb 1 oz, not much bigger than my Harry. She held on strong for over 11 months but went to Heaven yesterday. May your hearts and prayers go out to her family. You can read more of her story here. How short life truly is, but how blessed we are to have these sweet angels watching over us. Makes me miss my Harrison so much today.

Embracing life

2009-05-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

So a week ago was my little Harrison's 6 month angel day. It still seems surreal. I miss him everyday yet like I said, it doesn't occupy my every thought anymore. I feel that I am starting to move forward. I don't like, "moving on" because I don't know that you ever can. He is a part of my life, my families life, he is our family. But I feel like "moving forward" is ok to say. I feel I am. I have moments where I do get sad and I still miss him. But I have a lot of moments where I smile a lot when I think about him and how cute and little he was. I have a hard time believing that 6 months ago he was inside of me, growing just fine, but my stupid body gave up. I think that's probably the hardest thing for me still. My body gave up, I was supposed to be there for him, be his life support, my body just gave up. I don't know why but I know that he is a special little boy. And I know that my body had worked before, 2 times just fine, so that gives me hope that someday it will work again. (I hope.)
I wanted to share with you a little quote I found, I don't know who wrote it, but it made me think and is kind of where I am in life. I am embracing my life.

"When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...(Don't let) grief be your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end...Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal."

Don't you just love that? I loved it because I felt a bit guilty in my last post when I said I felt happy. I feel that I am doing well and that I am over the hard part. But I still felt guilty saying that. But I know its ok. I know that Harrison wants me to be happy. I know he knows that I love him more than anything and that I still think about him. I know that trying to move forward and being happy does not mean I love or miss him any less, it just means I love him so much more.

6 Months

2009-04-28T13:41:00.001-07:00

Today my little Harrison would be 6 months old. I can't believe its already been that long. Somedays it seems like it was yesterday and other times it seems like forever ago. Today I wonder, what would he look like? Would he have strawberry blonde hair and green eyes like Hudson? Or would he have dark curly hair and blue eyes like Ruby? Would he like Rice cereal? Would he be sitting and scooting? Would he be sleeping through the night or still waking me up for more milk? Would he be just as good of a baby as Hudson and Ruby? I wonder so many things about him. When I think of him in Heaven, I know he is man, but I picture him as a little boy maybe 2 or 3, actually looking like Hudson but with darker hair. I picture him being so sweet and loving to all. I know he is with us every day. I feel him near and feel so blessed that we were chosen to be parents to such a special little boy. As much as I miss him I have to say, that the sadness doesn't occupy my every thought and action now. Its a little hard to say that, but I know its ok to say that I am doing well. It doesn't mean I love him any less or that I've moved on, I don't think I'll ever Move on, but I am comforted and at peace knowing that he is in heaven and safe and I will be with him again. At my Dr's appt the other day I was just telling him how good I was doing. I never thought in those moments of horrible sadness and grief that I would ever be able to recover from losing him, that I would ever be able to say that I was "happy." But I have to say that I am. Its not to say that I don't miss him or wonder what he would be like, or every now and again get sad, or wonder how my life would be different having three kids to raise on this earth. I still get jealous/sad when I see pregnant women or have friends who are having babies. Its a hard thing to deal with but I am happy for them. I know they deserve happiness. I know someday I will be able to be in that same situation, being pregnant and full of joy at a new life. I feel so at peace now. I no longer cry myself to sleep or cry at the drop of a hat. I feel so much love and peace from my Heavenly Father and I am grateful for the 21 weeks I was able to have him alive inside of me and feel his spirit in me everyday. I am so grateful for the hours we were able to hold him and love him. Its hard when I think back on the day he was born and the days that lead up to it. Sometimes I let my mind wonder and I start thinking about how scary and traumatic it was, but if I can get my mind on the minute he was born, to the amazing spirit that was in the room and how thin the veil was at that moment, I smile. I also remember when Lane (Trent's dad) and Trent held him over chest and gave him a name and a blessing. I only wish that my dad had not left so he could be apart of it. I cry, as I am right now, thinking of that moment. The moment Lane gave him a name, Harrison Samuel Maw and the moment he thanked Heavenly Father and Harry for letting me live so that I could be here to take care of my family. For asking Harry to take care of me and our family. To watch over us and always keep our family together, safe, and love one another. That we could be together forever. I will never forget that moment. The peace and quiet that was in that room. I know his little spirit was there. OH man its hard to see the computer screen right now, tears. I will always cherrish that moment. I can't wait for a baby to come to our family someday. Its something that terrifies me more than anything to get pregnant and go through it all over again, but I know the day when come when I can be blessed with another child. I have to get healthy first. We are a stronger, closer family because Harrison is apart of our lives. We love him so much and I love that Hudson and Ruby still pray from him everyday and talk about him. He is apart of our family and always will be. I miss my baby boy but I am so grateful for him and love him.

Visiting Harry

2009-04-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit MIA, although I don't know if anyone cares because I'm not sure that many people read this. I also haven't really known what to say lately. I have been feeling pretty good and sometimes when I write I stir up emotions, whether good or bad. So I've been a bit hesitant but I guess I just need to write what I want and how I feel and if people read this great, if not oh well. I hope I am helping someone out there if not myself.

We went on a much needed vaca for Easter. It was short but so fun and worth it. The kids had a wonderful time and it was fun to hike, explore, and just relax, I feel I haven't been able to do that in quite sometime. We were gone on Easter so we were not able to visit Harry, which made me sad, I feel Holidays are especially important days to visit. So on Monday night, we took the kids to visit and had a bunch of pinwheels or windmills, (whatever you call them) for Harry. Of course I forgot his Easter eggs and the flower. It was so great to visit him and say Hello. I have mixed emotions when visiting his grave. Its surreal. I get sad when I visit, it brings back lots of emotions, emotions from the day he was born to the day he was buried. The day he was buried is so deeply imprinted in my mind. I remember being so sick still. I couldn't wear any of my clothes or shoes, due to all the water retention from 3 days worth of IV's and 6 blood transfusions I had come home from the hospital 15 lbs heavier than I went in. I could barely walk and was so emotionally drained. I remember the tiny little casket, the beautiful flowers that were placed on it, and all the many wonderful family and friends who came to support a baby that they never got to know. It was a special day but a hard day. I also realize when I visit him that he really was here with us, that we did hold him and that he did have a body because that is why he is buried in that place. So it is hard but good. I love him and I love that we have a place to honor him and visit him. The kids love it too. They love when we visit harry.

Every time we visit they love to give him kisses, that's what they are doing here. They also love to bring him things and say a pray before we go, which I think is so neat. The first time we visited Harry Trent and I were so sad and upset that we kind of scared the kids. So we said a prayer together as a family. And ever since, Hudson won't let us leave without saying one. I think its great that he wants us to, its his way of telling Harrison we love him and miss him and know he's with us.

Me and the kiddies
Also, two weeks ago we finally picked out his headstone. I can't wait. I don't know why it took us so long but we finally did it and boy was it expensive, I had no idea. I love that where Harrison is buried its a memorial park so the headstones are flat with the ground. I think it is so special and more "park like" more friendly. I can't wait to see a proof, when I get one I'll show you. I think it will turn out great.

Dreams

2009-04-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

Ever since Harrison was born I have wanted to dream of him so bad. I have wanted to dream about what he would look like or sound like. But I never had until last night. Last night while I was laying in bed I was flipping through the channels and nothing was on so I stopped on "Deliver Me" its a show about 3 OB/Gyns and the patients they see. I have not been able to watch a Baby story or any other baby, pregnancy, or birthing show since he was born. Those were the only shows I watched while I was pregnant. I was on bed rest for a long time and so that's what I watched and I loved them, I was literally obsessed with them. But after Harry was born if they came on I had to change the channel right away, I would do all I could to not have to watch someone on tv pregnant, talking about pregnancy, or giving birth. But for some reason last night I couldn't turn it off. I just watched in awe at these mothers having perfect pregnancy's, perfect babies, babies being born on time. I found myself with a smile on the whole time and crying not because I was sad but because it truly is a miracle when babies are born. I found myself wanting to have a baby so bad. My husband walked in as I was watching it and I think he was shocked I was actually watching it. He walked in right as a mother was giving birth. I didn't know how he'd react either. I said, "see don't you want one?" He just smiled and said, "Yes." Anyways, I think because I had watched the show I was thinking about being pregnant and babies a lot, so I dreamt about it.
I dreamt that I all of a sudden felt the baby kicking me. In the dream I had forgotten I was pregnant and so when I felt the baby move I was shocked at first and then I remembered that I was pregnant. I was so excited and just held my stomach. I kept saying the name Harry too. That's really all I remember about the dream but when I woke up and remembered I found myself placing my hand on my stomach and waiting for some sort of movement. Nothing. Of course I knew I wasn't but there was a split second where I hoped it was true. It made me sad and was so weird to have that dream or think I was pregnant because its been 5 months since he's been gone.
I find myself daily thinking about getting pregnant again, having another baby. I want to so bad. I tell my husband all the time that I am ready. But am I? I honestly feel mentally I am ready but yet I can't imagine how I would feel when I do get pregnant, its the unknown. What if I bleed again? I know I will for sure panic. Its a scary thing yet something I am wanting more and more. A few things holding me back are: money, timing, and just that I am scared.
Money is holding me back because we do not have maternity insurance. My husband is self employed so we only have major medical, so you can imagine the bills we have after having Harrison. Actually because I was in the hospital for so long and it was not a normal pregnancy so the insurance did pay most of the $35,000. There were just a few things here and there that we have to pay for but they still add up to about $4000-5000. I know timing shouldn't be an issue but it is. If you get pregnant in March then its a December baby. I already have a December baby, December 21 and it is hard. That's why when I found out I was pregnant and due in March I was so excited. Perfect time of year, no more winter. Also on either side of our family there is no one with a March birthday so it was perfect. And also timing because its only been a few months and how will I react, how will others react.
And then there's the scared part. I am scared that I might not get pregnant or get pregnant for a long time. I think about it all that time that even if I did get pregnant today, it would be next year when the baby would be born. How crazy is that? And so to put it off is not sitting well with me. I feel that taking birth control to prevent a baby seems so wrong right now. But I needed the time to heal, to recover. I keep telling my husband that when my sample of BC are gone in May then I am not taking anymore but that isn't very far away. That also means that I would be pregnant around the same time as I was with Harrison and probably due around the same time. Will that be hard? Should I wait so I don't have to go through all the same emotions at the same time? So many questions. And I know there is not a right or wrong answer as to when to get pregnant but its hard to know. I have read parts of a book called, "Pregnancy after a loss-A guide to pregnancy after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death." I haven't read it all because it goes through each phase, the loss, after the loss, when to get pregnant, and then goes through each phase of pregnancy and after. She says that she spoke with a lot of women who had lost a baby and one women who made the decision to get pregnancy right away said,"I don't know if it would've been any less stressful if I had waited a year, but I do know that being pregnant again gave me hope at a time when I had none. And I sort of felt like if I didn't do it right away, I would never do it again." Some women who were forced to put off pregnancy because they were unable to conceive again believe that waiting was not in their best interest. Melinda who did not get pregnant for 1 1/2 year after wishes things turned out differently. "Waiting was very hard me. I had those empty arms and that just about drove me crazy. I just wanted to hold babies. I didn't care whose babies they were. And once I did get pregnant again, I was still scared to death. Waiting didn't help me at all."
That's what is so hard. I have heard that many women who were given the ok to try again did and were grateful they did, they felt it wouldn't have been any easier if they had waited longer. Most women are told to wait 2-3 cycles before trying again. However some Dr's recommend waiting for about 6 months to mentally prepare. I don't know when the exact time for me will be, however I feel that no matter when I get pregnant I will be scared like Melinda. I don't think waiting a year or two will change that feeling. I just know that a healthy baby will mean the world to me. It does scare me though, because in reading parts of this book there is a chapter on High-Risk Pregnancies. And it states that if you have had a placental abruption, which is what I had, you have a 12% chance of having it happen again. I was shocked when I read that. Placental problems are responsible for 15-25% of all stillbirths and early infant deaths. It occurs when the placenta separates from the wall of the uterus before or during birth. Normally it doesn't' separate until after the baby is delivered. When it does happen prematurely it deprives the baby of nourishment it needs to survive. It also causing bleeding in the mother which can put her life at risk. The weird thing was is that there are certain things that put you at risk for a placental abruption, high blood pressure, smoking, abdominal trauma, several D&C's, and I had none of those, it was a fluke thing. However, I do wonder sometimes. We went to a local amusement park, Lagoon, kind of like a Six Flags and I rode almost every ride. I love roller coasters. I joked with my husband that if I was pregnant I shouldn't be riding the rides. We had suspected I was pregnant but I was on the pill so we just assumed I wasn't. Well, turns out I was probably about 7-8 weeks along when I went to Lagoon. I wonder all the time, did that have anything to do with what happened? I was almost 10 weeks when I finally went to the Dr to see. Because I had been bleeding from the beginning I just assumed it was my period. When it really wasn't. But my Dr and husband reassure me that the rollercoasters probably had nothing to do with what happened, but the probably is what makes me wonder. I was bleeding from the beginning. So it scared me when I read that there was a chance of it happening again. . I thought I would be ok, so I know that when I do get pregnant it will be a long 9 months of appointments making sure me and the baby are ok.
I know my hubby and I will be doing a lot of thinking, praying, and pondering on when to have another child. It scares me so much but also the thought of it makes me so happy and puts a big smile on my face. Until then, I can only dream because, "A Dream is a Wish your heart makes." And I believe that to be true.

Chapter 5-A Fathers Grief

2009-03-28T09:47:00.001-07:00

Chapter 5 of "Gone Too Soon."

I was so so grateful to see this chapter in the book. I felt as though I was receiving all the books, cards, flowers, love and not my husband. It was so nice to read together and get some comfort as to how a father feels and why and how they grieve. Plus it gave me an understanding as to how men do grieve and helped me ask the right questions as to how he was feeling. It is different than women and a very hard thing for them. It breaks my heart when I see my husband sad, when he breaks down and cries because he doesn't do it often, I think I've only seen him cry once or twice since we'd been married, so to see him so sad and cry all the time now is really hard.

At the beginning of this chapter Sherri says that when a couple experiences a tragedy it will do one of two things: bong the marriage closer together or pull those bonds slowly apart. When a couple shares grief there can be tenderness and understanding or tension and anger. It hurts really bad to think that the loss of a child could bring an end to a marriage but it happens.

I do feel from our experience that we have come closer together in a way. I know when we have those horrible, sad, crying nights, we talk all night, hold each other and feel so much closer. But there are days, days where I am sad, have no motivation, or days where I am crazy, can't stop doing anything, shop till I drop, clean all day, just hard days that I don't want comfort from him or anyone, I want to be alone, at least I think so. Where on the other hand my husband wants me to hold him, for him its the closeness with me that helps him.
Many problems occur in the marriage because of society's lack of interest in a fathers grief, as well as the differences in how men and women grief.

The overlooked partner:
One way is that Fathers grieve in a different way almost now a days. They are encouraged to be involved in the pregnancy and birth. They can hold the baby right away, cut the cord, even participate in the first bath. They are encouraged to attend the Dr appts, read, and attend classes. These can be advantages and are helpful with the father-child relationship but what happens when something goes wrong? One women said, "It really hurt after we lost our baby to have people walk past my husband to give me a hug. No one even thought that he might be hurting too." I have felt the same way. I was the one getting cards, help with the kids, flowers, gifts, and I felt that at times because I was so sick and almost died everyone was concerned for me, when my husband lived the whole thing. Watching me suffer, almost losing me and then having to lose his child in the end. I do feel the father is over looked in situations when a child dies within the womb or shortly after.

In society boys are raised to "buck up" and that "real men don't cry." But women cry and talk about their emotions. These differences can lead to conflict and cause misunderstanding in the marriage after a tragedy. Men are stoic and "strong" during these hard times but women may see it as he is not grieving. On the other hand when a man finally does realize he's not that strong and cries, he can face self-esteem problems. Thinking, "whats wrong with me, I'm not supposed to feel this way?"

The role as the protector:
Men feel responsible for their wives and children. So when a baby is lost, the father is concerned for not only his baby but his wife who has gone through physical and emotional trauma, so men feel they need to keep things, "business as usual" to give his wife the normalcy she needs.
The mother is given a brief "grace period" to grieve, but the father is expected to deal with the public and move on. Many men also feel they can't talk about with their wife so to protect her from further pain. One women said, "I kept asking my husband what he felt and was angry that he wouldn't share his feelings with me. But I have to admit, when I finally did see him cry, it almost tore me apart." I feel the same way. Whenever my husband has a bad day or is the one coming to me crying or when I found out he too cried himself to sleep many nights it hurt me so much. One man whose wife had many miscarriages said, "every time my wife loses a baby, I lose another part of her. There's nothing I can do to help."

On the job:
Going back to work is hard for many men. They have a difficult time concentrating and resent working. Many men find the lack of empathy from coworkers difficulty. Many say that if anything is said to them its about the well being of the wife.
On the other hand many men grief by becoming absorbed in their work. They can think about something else and work long hours as to avoid situations at home. I know my husband, having his own business had to get right back to work and I know the stress of that didn't help. But he had to do it. He said its nice to get his mind on something else. But when work is over on the way home its all he can think about.

How Do men grieve?
Men express their feelings openly when their wife is not around. Many experience irritability and short tempers. Some men feel that engaging in martial arts, jogging or other physical exercise is helpful. Other men internalize their feelings which can lead to health problems, headaches and chest pains due to anxiety. Here are some ways men can follow to help grieving:
Talk about your feelings-if you are not comfortable talking with your spouse, talk with a friend, counselor, bishop, or another man whose been through a similar experience.
Channel your anger properly-yard work, athletics, or again talk to someone who will accept your anger.
Allow yourself to cry- Its the first step to resolving your feelings. Cry in private, but don't keep it inside.
Do not place blame-Its is completely normal to want to blame someone, but women suffer from EXTREME guilt(I do) after losing a baby. Also Drs and nurses are not perfect. Losing a child teaches us that we have little control in our lives.
Be patient with your wife-A mother-infant bond is very intimate and starts from the beginning. Some men grieve just as much and as long as their wives; others become impatient with how long it takes their wives or the attention they get.
Make your own memorial-Write a letter to the baby, plant a tree or flower, build something. A tangible thing can be helpful for men. My husband the day after Harrison was born wrote him a song. I think it was the best way for him to describe his feelings. We are also planting a tree this year at our new house for Harrison as a memorial in our yard for him.

There are a few things that can help a couple cope with the loss together:
Pray together-pray for understanding, pray for each other.
If possible, attend temple together or other church services- nothing puts life into perspective that reviewing Heavenly Father plan for us. I know when my husband and I attended the temple after it was a sense of peace to know we were sealed so we could be together forever. And that Harrison is waiting for us.
Attend support groups- Meeting other couples or men who are experiencing the same thing helps. Even if you feel the grief is resolved attend with your wife. It will give men greater insight into the wives emotions.
Realize that you grieve differently-
Keep Dating-Spend time together, along. I know that is something my husband and I have had little to do, having 2 other kids, moving right after, holidays and work. I know dates and time alone with something couples need. I told Trent all I wanted for my b-day was a night away even if it was just to Salt Lake. So we'll see if I get it.
Talk about better times-talk about when you met, feel in love, pleasant experiences you've had together.
Maintain a sense of humor-Remember old jokes, funny memories. It may be hard at first to laugh, I know when I would laugh or have a good time shortly after I thought I was being a bad mother. But it is helpful and can be a blessing and a relief.
Touch and hold each other-Reaffirm your love for one another, even a gentle touch or hug.

I love my sweet husband. We went through so much last year and he stuck by me, always loving me and still looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes with so much love in them. It has hurt me to see him so sad and grieve. I remember being so sick and in and out of consciousness for awhile and every time coming to and having him by my side, holding my hand, kissing me and loving me. I scared him so much and almost losing me and then in the end losing his son has been a hard thing for him. He is a wonderful father and was so excited to have another little boy. I know losing Harrison has been really difficult on him and I think he's shocked him how difficult it really has been on him. But I am grateful we have each other and feel that as sad as this situation is we have grown closer and have stronger understanding of each other and our family. We can't wait to someday bring another child into this world. How happy the day will be.

Just thinking of you

2009-03-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

A message to my baby: Harrison I was thinking of you today and how if you would've been born on your due date you would be a little over a week old. How much I longed to feed you, dress you, see you with Hudson and Ruby, and cuddle with you. Those first few weeks of an infants life goes so fast, you want to hang on to it forever, yet I never got the chance. I was grateful I was able to see you and hold you for a few hours. I cherrish those moments. I miss you so much everyday but I am learning to live my life without you in my arms and more with you in my heart. I love you so much. Its almost been 5 months since you've left my belly and went to heaven. Its so hard to believe how fast time goes. I think about you everyday but today was one of those days that I thought about you a lot, missed you so much, and wanted you near. I love you Harry.

The other day I was watching a medical show and they were showing the hospital. Ruby came in and in her cute little two year old voice said, "That's where my Harry lived. I held my Harry there. Oh, my little Harry, Harry is my baby." I can't believe she even knew or remembered. She wasn't even two when you were born. I guess it shows how much she really did love you and know that you were her little brother. She is so sweet and I love how she calls you, "My Harry." Your big brother and little sister love you so much and miss you too. They still ask about you and wonder where you are going to sleep. They know you are gone yet sometimes I think forget. I still wonder if I made the right decision having them hold you and see you, especially on days when they ask about you and wonder where you are and get sad. I know though that I would always have regretted them not seeing you and so in that I am happy. They held you and loved you.

Daddy and I were watching a show the other day and the little boys name was Harry. We both looked at each other and smiled. You don't hear of too many little boys named Harry or called Harry. It made me happy. I always loved the name Harry but daddy wasn't so sure, he didn't want you to be teased. So when you were born we instantly knew your name, Harrison or Harry. Daddy said, it is such a special, sweet name and no one can tease him now. Its also a family name. My grandpa's middle name is Harry and it was his Grandpa's first name. Your middle name Samuel, is also a family name. My sisters name is Samantha, and my grandma's last name was Samuelson. You have special names because you are our very special boy. We love you Harrison Samuel Maw.

Why Me

2009-03-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Today I am thinking of Harry a lot and of what I have been through the past year or so. This is definitely a "Wo is me" post. I just feel like I am being punished or something. Why do things keep happening to me? I just don't get it.
It all started back a week before I became pregnant with Harry, I got the worst stomach flu or food poisoning I had ever had. I woke up suddenly to a charlie horse and immediately after it went away I was in the bathroom throwing up and well, the other stuff. The pain was so bad and I was continuing to throw up over and over I yelled for my husband. Luckily he came fast because I fainted right there on the toilet. He immediately called 911, he thought I was gone. It took forever to get a response out of me and he was terrified that someone who was passed out could continue to go to the bathroom and throw up. (sorry for details.) The ambulance came and they got me to wake up and stop. My husband took me to the ER himself (much cheaper) and they gave me an iv with meds and fluids. That was already the 2nd time that year I had had a bug like that, this one was definitely the worst.
Then, I became pregnant with Harrison shortly after, which was a surprise, it was the worst pregnancy ever. I remember wondering if I was pregnant because i had a lot of the symptoms but then I thought I had a period so I couldn't have been. But I was and I was bleeding almost everyday, some days it was so bad a pad wouldn't hold anything, I would go through 3 or 4 in minutes. So scary because you aren't supposed to bleed at all and yet Harrison was always ok every time. Then of course I just continued to go down hill. It was so scary for my family to see me suffer and almost die. Coming in and out of consciousness for a long time. Wondering if I would make it or the baby. I remember every time they got me to wake up, I ask how the baby was, they'd say, just fine. They said the worry was for me, not him, he didn't have a chance at that moment. I remember thinking, no save him. I hemorrhaged for days, receiving blood transfusions for days and then finally having the outcome it did. I remember and regret now, telling my husband I couldn't do it anymore. There was a possibility that they could stabilize me and stop the labor and if I could hang on for a few more weeks then his chances of survival would go up to almost 85%. I remember thinking, "A few weeks?" How can I continue to get blood for a few weeks, continue to be in so much pain and every time I moved I felt as though I was going to pass out, my blood pressure was so low and I was so sick from an infection from my placenta ripping, I just didn't feel I could do that for a few more weeks. But then the worst outcome possible. The labor started again and I continued to bleed so bad that there was nothing they could do. They needed me to get better and the only way was to let the labor continue. I remember being so sad and overcome with emotion. I was so scared and upset that Harry was going to be born and he would not survive. Yet I remember feeling a bit of relief that I was going to be ok. How horrible was I? The saddest part of it all was that when he was born the placenta was out and they stabilized me I continued to get better and better by the minute. That is so hard to live with. Me, Harrison's mother, who was supposed to take care of him and give him life, my body was not able to do its part. And once he was born, I was better. I think of that often. I know I am so blessed to be here so that I can take care of the children I do have and be with my husband but there are days when I am sad that I wasn't able to have the outcome I wanted. The baby I wanted so much to be here.
I remember being terrified after he was born that my blood levels would continue to drop because those of you that have had babies know that you bleed heavily after you have a baby. I remember the next morning waking up and being so scared to see blood again. I had seen enough, I wanted no part of that. I remember it not being bad at all. Nothing like I had the whole pregnancy, nothing like I had after my other kids, you couldn't even compare it to a period. It was nothing. I was so relieved, but it was also a reminder that the placenta was what was killing me, that I was better because Harrison was not inside me anymore. That was hard to grasp. It was a struggle for awhile, because that part of my recovery, that part that is usually the worst after you have a baby was not bad at all. I also remember being terrified to have my first period after. Why would I want to see more blood? Why would I want to be reminded that that part of my body failed me and all of a sudden it was working? It was not fair.
Two weeks after I had Harrison was Thanksgiving, I was still recovering, trying to regain my strength and go on with life. That night I remember going to bed with a stomach ache but just putting it off as "too much food." I woke up in the middle of the night to yup, food poisoning. I was so sick, doubled over and pain, and I was still so weak from everything, I had no strength at all and then to have this, I was so weak. I was given some meds to help with the pain, nausea, but nothing helped, it just had to take its course. That day we were also packing to move. What a crazy time, moving shortly after Harrison was born and getting so sick shortly after. I know I was so sick because my immune system was out of wack from being so sick, having a baby, and the stress and metal state that I was in. It was a very difficult time in my life.
I remembered thinking, that's it, no more sickness, no more stomach flu, I've had my fair share of trials, sicknesses, I'm sure Heavenly Father will spare me anymore.
We did good for a bit. The kids were healthy all winter and so was I. We moved into our new house, we love it here and were so welcomed. We had a great holiday season and I felt we started to feel better. Then things started to hit me, I started to get sad again, the due date was creeping up on me as a reminder that I should be having a baby. But I was healthy and doing well. Then Hudson got the stomach flu. Then last week Ruby got croup so bad she wasn't breathing well, we had to to her to an urgent care one night so she could get some meds to open her airway. I didn't sleep for days. One night I should've taken her to the ER because she couldn't breath but I was sick with horrible cramping and some sort of bug that I took a phenergan to help with it so I was too loopy to take her. Then as she recovered this week from croup she got an ear infection. I was surprised because she's only had one her whole life. So we were still having sleepless nights. Thursday she finally felt better and I was so excited to finally get some sleep, sleep that I seriously hadn't had in 5 nights. That night I had the worst stomach ache. I told Trent and he said, please no more, I figured it was nothing. I decided to take a hot bath to relax and minutes later was throwing up. My poor husband tried to help me but it was too late, everywhere. It lasted for hours. I just cried, "Why me?" I don't know what is wrong. Am I being punished? Do I have something wrong with my stomach? Am I still sick and trying to recover from everything? Is my immune system that bad that I get it every time? It was a horrible night and yesterday I just laid in bed so weak and nauseous. Today I am feeling better but I am just so weak, I even lost 7 lbs, crazy.
I am left with the questions, "Why me?" I honestly don't get it. I've had my fair share I would say of sicknesses, trials, tribulations, I don't need anymore. Plus my poor husband is terrified of me, every time I am in the bathroom he knocks and says, "are you ok?" I've traumatized him for life.
I've had a lot to think about the past few days, being alone in a dark room in pain and being sick and wondering why. I don't know why but I know that I am ok. I know that I am still here. I am here to do my job as a mother and wife. I know that Heavenly Father spared my life for a reason, yet I keep wondering why I keep getting sick and having crazy things happen to me. All I know is that I'll keep on going. I need to be here for my kids, live life to the fullest, and just be happy. I am trying but its hard when life keeps bringing me down.
We will never know the answers to life's questions, to those "Why me" so I just have to move on with faith.
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, "The question “Why me?” can be a difficult one to answer and often leads to frustration and despair. There is a better question to ask ourselves. That question is “What could I learn from this experience?”
The way we answer that question may determine the quality of our lives not only on this earth but also in the eternities to come. Though our trials are diverse, there is one thing the Lord expects of us no matter our difficulties and sorrows: He expects us to press on.
Jesus taught, “He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.” And, “If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed.” Some think of enduring to the end as simply suffering through challenges, I agree at times I do. But it is so much more than that—it is the process of coming unto Christ and being perfected in Him.
Also in the D&C 58 it says, “Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation...For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand."
I know I just need to humble, have faith, and be grateful I find it difficult especially when I feel like I am failing but I will continue to try. Its the only thing I know how to do, try.

Chapter 3

2009-03-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

Chapter 3: The Grieving Process

I found so much insight in this chapter. I was able to realize what grief stages I had been through and what stage I was going through. It helps to understand grieving and know that it is ok, you are supposed to grieve. I think I've had many people wonder if I was depressed and I can honestly say that I am not, its called grieving. There are different steps, some people go through each stage in order, others go back and forth and some skip stages, how ever you do go through the process is just fine, its normal. Grieving is healthy and natural.

Grief is necessary. It is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith, but the first step in putting your life back together. Parents who are recovering from the loss of a baby should be encouraged to grieve.
I loved hearing that. Because going through grief and the loss of a baby I feel as though sometimes you are not allowed to grief. That others say, "Oh its been too long." or "Are you depressed?" Its a process and one that can time. The grieving process can be extremely difficult, causing some of the most heart-wrenching pain ever encountered.

Stage 1-Shock and Numbness:
This period can last 48 hours to 2 weeks. Oh I remember this stage so well. This stage can include feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, and depression. Some want to sleep all the time, others although exhausted can not sleep. That was me, I could not sleep. I was so tired and yet I couldn't sleep at all. I remember laying in bed, most nights for the first while and crying myself to sleep. While other nights I would look at the clock almost every hour until almost 3 or 4:00. Other reactions are loss of appetite, difficulty in taking in information, and having uncontrollable emotions. Oh those uncontrollable emotions. I feel as though I still have those. There are days I could cry at the drop of a hat, about nothing.
Guilt is probably the most common. There are many, "What if?" and "I should have." I remember thinking, "What if I had been on bedrest earlier?" or "I probably did too much, I was bleeding the whole pregnancy, I should have taken it easier." These reactions are common but can be devastating to a woman who is trying to cope with the loss. We as women to need to believe that some things are just simply out of our hands.

Stage 2: Searching and Yearning:

This stage can go on for a few months. Many parents during this stage search for reasons as to why it happened. Many women struggle to find evidence that the baby did exist. Many women have dreams of someone leaving a baby at the doorstep, others have the desire to mother a puppy or kitty. Other women actually have aching arms from the desire to hold their baby or have a "broken hearth" where their chest actually aches from the emotion of the trauma.
I felt as though sometimes that my heart was literally breaking. I remember wondering sometimes if the physical pain I felt was normal. I also ached so badly to hold Harrison again, because he was so tiny, not quite a lb, I was scared to hold him closer or tighter for fear or breaking him.
Many women also experience phantom kicks or hear babies cry when there is not one around. I remember feeling kicks or what I thought were kicks, and honestly at times thinking oh I am pregnant, only to remember that I was no longer.
Women are encouraged to create a memorial of some sort for their baby, even in a miscarriage.
Anger is another strong factor in this stage. Many have an anger toward a spouse, Dr, or even God. It is advised to vent your anger somehow or it can turn into serious depression. That is one reason I have Harry's blog, not only for anger, but to just talk about him and all the emotions that come with losing a baby.
In the book Sherri talks about one of the most common initiators of anger is the pain that women feel toward other pregnant women. Pregnancy is such an all-consuming condition, it is often difficult for other women to be considerate of the losses of other women and courteous in dealing with them. One women said, "It seems like after you lose a baby, everyone is pregnant or is holding a newborn." Another women said, "I have a hard time with pregnant women who complain about being uncomfortable or when a new mother complains that her baby is waking her up in the night. I would give anything to be pregnant and uncomfortable. These women just don't realize what they have." I too have felt that before. Its hard being around so many people who are pregnant or having babies. I too find myself thinking, don't complain to me, you don't know what you have that I want so bad. Another women said, "My friend couldn't understand why it was hard for me to talk about her pregnancy and be happy for her. I just couldn't-there was nothing inside me that felt happy, and what little there was I had to hold onto for myself. I know its irrational, but I felt as if Heavenly Father took my baby away and fave it to my friend." I too find it hard to be happy for friends and family when they are pregnant right now or having a baby. I am happy but yet I just want it so bad, its hard to talk about it with them. I just buck up and do it, but little do they know inside its killing me.

Stage 3: Disorientation and Disorganization:

The 3rd stage in grief is typified by depression and lack of motivation. It is most often in the fourth to sixth months after a loss. The person may experience again overeating or lack of appetite and may lose interest in her appearance. There is also a difficulty in making decisions, withdrawal, and reluctance to go out.
When I read this book it hit me, this is the stage I am in. It almost helps to know that its a stage or phase and that hopefully I can get past it. I find there are days where I don't have any motivation. I don't want to go anywhere or be around people. I have days where all I do is eat and days where I will realize its 1:00 and I haven't eaten anything at all. I find myself not wanting to get ready, why, I am just at home taking care of my kids, who will see me? So I stay in my jammies all day. When my husband wants to go somewhere or if someone calls and wants me to do something, it takes a lot of effort, I just don't feel like it. I am getting better but there are days where its just so much easier to do nothing, I just don't want to. I would love some motivation right now. Sherri says the lack of motivation can make any women feel like her life is on hold. That's why I feel like everyone around me is moving on and I am just stuck.
Another common reaction in this stage is feeling like a failure. In the LDS culture the role as a women is so important. Women are seen as "the giver of life" and as one women put it, "everyone is supposed to be able to do it." To many women, having children is the essence of womanhood, and when a women loses a baby, it is common for her to feel as if she has failed. Failed as a women. One women said, "Here is something that all my friends and neighbors could do and i couldn't'. One women even said to me, "You should know how to do this by now." I was shocked to read that, how could someone say that to another women.
Another thing that stuck out to me was when one women said, "Usually the bad things happen to other people, but here I had been the victim of a horrible experience, and I felt like anything could happen to me. I learned there are no guarantees on life." I too felt the same way. Things like this didn't happen to me. I had a good life, I look back and think there were all the signs that I wouldn't have Harrison make it at all, every week they'd say to me, "Well, this will end in a miscarriage or pre-term birth." But I just took it in one ear and out the other. I had two previous healthy pregnancies, nothing would happen to me in this one. I remember all growing up and as a women looking at other families who had lost babies and children. And thinking, how do they do it? They are amazing? Now I know, its not something you just do. I now know that things happen to everyone, even me. This makes me a bit nervous that if this can happen to me, anything can. I feel that I am learning how to cope in this stage, I am in between this stage and the next.

The final stage-Reorganization:

This stage can take months to achieve. The grieving person realizes life does indeed move on and is finally able to enjoy life again with renewed energy and without feeling guilty. I feel I am learning to do this, although there are days I still feel guilty. Its hard for many who have had a loss to even imagine this, but it does happen, peace and joy once again become a part of your life. In this stage there is often a sense of relief.
Reorganization means that the parents come to accept the death of the baby. It does not mean that the pain goes away completely, the parents will be changed forever and will always have a tender place in their hearts. But life does become enjoyable daily, but it should come as no surprise that certain events can trigger the sadness again. Remember that anniversaries of the death, due dates, holidays will still be difficult. But to have a way of celebrating or a memento to remember always helps.
Many parents are able to look back on the happiness of the pregnancy or even find the good that has come out of the loss.
Sherri says, "Perhaps the most exciting element of this stage is that the true greatness of the human spirit becomes apparent in many lives. Those who endure tragedy can claim to have truly lived-to have experienced every possible human emotion. Those who survive tragedy join the elite group of mankind who have suffered and triumphed over the depths of despair."
Emerging as survivors, if they desire, parents will have a special understanding of God's plan. The scriptures and teachings of Christ take on new significance and Christ's suffering in Gethsemane brings a whole new light. Christs suffering on the cross comes into clearer perspective and more personal. I have felt so much closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ through all of this. I know that he died not only for me but for all my sins and trials and did does help a bit to know, "No one is alone."

I hope some insight into this chapter helps you like it helped me to realize that its ok to grieve and that we all go through it differently, but its ok and normal.

Full of Peace

2009-03-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a little over 4 months since Harrison was born still. I remember the day so vividly. I remember wondering if he would be born alive, if I would hear a cry. I remember laying on the bed with my husband beside me holding my hand and crying because we knew the outcome would not be one of happiness but one of sadness. One thing I do remember more than anything is the peace the filled the room when Harrison was born. I don't think I could ever describe that night to anyone that was not present. Although Harry had passed away just minutes before being born, I know his spirit was present, along with others. I was filled with such peace. Peace knowing he entered this world with a perfect and that he was too precious for this life.
Little did I know that the peace would soon leave me. It would leave me wondering why? Where was my miracle? I have been longing for the peace I felt that night for 4 months.

Well, yesterday, March 15th was my due date, the day that I was supposed to deliver a healthy, beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately that day came and went and no little baby boy is here. I was unsure how I would handle the day. The weeks leading up to the day were hard. I remember just dreading the day coming, but I have to say I was at peace yesterday, all last week I was filled with peace. It wasn't to say that it wasn't a hard week, I sure missed him more than ever and wanted so much to be having him in my arms, but there was a sense of peace. The peace I have been praying for, for so long has finally come.

It all started last Tuesday when my little family and I were able to attend the LDS Draper Temple Open House. I was so excited to take my other two children with me and go to the place where families are sealed for Time and All Eternity. As we entered the temple I was so over come with emotion. I tried to be strong and not cry so that everyone would not look at me. I felt the peace I had been longing for. Due to the horrible pregnancy, bleeding, bedrest, and then everything Trent and I had not been to the temple since before I was pregnant. I was so longing to go and although this one had not yet been dedicated, it was still a house of the Lord, a place were families are sealed forever. It also was probably one of the most beautiful temples I had ever been in, so amazing. As we walked through all the rooms, I felt as though my Heavenly Father was telling me that Harrison was fine, he was with me that day in the temple, and yes we would be together as a family again because my husband and I were sealed. I know that when we stepped into the Celestial room as a family that we were complete, we were all there together. When we were in the Celestial Room my oldest son Hudson who is almost 5 said, "Mom? Where's Harry? I don't see or feel him? You said he'd be here?" I felt awful because I made the mistake of telling him on the way that we are sealed together as a family and so in the temple we would be together. He took it literly, which of course all kids would. So explained that we are together as a family forever but that Harry was still in Heaven waiting for us but when we are in the temple, we can feel his spirit. I know Harry was with me that day, I know he is proud of our family. I know that he is doing the work that is needed. I feel so blessed to have an angel with me.
We took Harrison some flowers and balloons yesterday for what was supposed to be his birth date. The kids let go of balloons and told Harry they loved him and missed him. I hope that with this day behind us that I can now look forward to my future. A future filled with happiness, peace, and a life full of service and love towards others. I was so grateful for all of the phone calls, flowers, cards, dinner, and love, support and prayers yesterday. I truly feel that the day could've been worse and I am grateful that it was not. We truly did feel all the love and support and are so lucky to have an angel in Heaven. I do filled so blessed daily that I am an Angel Mommy.
I came across a message today that I wanted to share, it was written by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin in the May 2000 Ensign called, “Finding a Safe Harbor,”
Many today feel troubled and distressed; many feel that, at any moment, the ships of their lives could capsize or sink. It is to you who are looking for a safe harbor that I wish to speak today, you whose hearts are breaking, you who are worried or afraid, you who bear grief or the burdens of sin, you who feel no one is listening to your cries, you whose hearts are pleading, “Master, carest thou not that I perish?” To you I offer a few words of comfort and of counsel.
Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.
Jesus comforts us when He said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
Draw close to the Lord Jesus Christ. He bears a special love for those who suffer. He is the Son of God, an eternal king. In His mortal ministry He loved them and blessed them.

Adversity can strengthen and refine us. As with the butterfly, adversity is necessary to build character in people. Even when we are called to sail through troubled waters, we need to know the place of adversity is shaping our divine potential.
If only we would look beyond our present suffering and see our struggles as a temporary chrysalis. If only we would have the faith and trust in our Heavenly Father to see how, after a little season, then we can emerge from our trials more refined and glorious.

I am beginning to see that through suffering and heartache there is peace and happiness. It does come slowly and I know that I may have bad days ahead, but I can also see how much stronger a person can be if they can get through such heartache. I am realizing how precious life is and how blessed I am to be a mother. I still long so much for my baby boy and am sure that I will have bad days here and there, but I am grateful he was with me and I know he still is with me. Helping me and showing me how to be a better mother, wife, friend, and neighbor. I hope the peace I am feeling will one day be with you.

Gone Too Soon-Chapter Two

2009-03-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

Chapter Two: To Lose A Baby

I loved this chapter, it really gives some insight as to why losing a baby even when only a few weeks along can cause such heartache. I kept telling my husband I find myself just wanting to write the whole book down. I was talking with my Gram today about this book and she said, Why didn't you read this book 4 months ago? Honestly I don't know why but I am so glad I have read it. I honestly can say after reading this book I have felt such peace, which is wonderful because Sunday is my due date and I was thinking I would be struggling badly this week and even though I am sad, I really feel a sense of peace.

"The "miracle of birth" is a phrase that is tossed about lightly," it states, "parents are told that "women have babies every day," that pregnancy is nothing but a "normal" condition, and that there is "nothing to worry about.'" Somewhere in pregnancy there is a risk and often that risk can lead to some of the worst pain imaginable."

In the book Sherri talks about a women who some fifty years ago lost a baby through stillbirth and yet to this day wells up when talking about her baby's life. The women has nine living children, 41 grandchildren, and five great-grandchildren. The pain is still there. Losing a baby is a life changing experience just as giving birth to a healthy baby is.

The author talks about how fortunate we are today that health-care professionals are more sensitive to the loss of an infant. My Grandma some 50 years ago had a baby similar to my experience at 20 weeks. She was not allowed to hold her baby, see her baby, and to this day she does not even know if that baby was a boy or girl. I can't imagine how back then mothers and fathers were not given the choice. No longer are stillborn babies quickly taken from the mother following delivery. No longer are the choices regarding burial kept from the parents. Also, now parents are given permission to grieve and the tools to do so. I asked my Grammy if back then there were even books like this for her, she said no, there was nothing, she was expected to move on right away, after all, it wasn't a living baby.

"Through the use of these tools, parents are discovering that what seems unbearable pain today will eventually subside. Although these babies are never forgotten, time does heal."

One women states, "I used to find myself consumed with grief, and then one day I noticed that it had been an hour since I had though about the baby; and then another day I noticed an afternoon had passed without thinking of him. Before I knew it, hours turned into days, and I knew that I was learning to deal with my loss. Now I can concentrate on the simple beauty of life and the good that has come out of this experience."
The book talks about the different ways we loss a baby and how we as parents who've lost the baby feel and how society feels.

Miscarriage: A young women named Laura talks about how when she lost a baby through a miscarriage no one seemed concerned for her loss. In fact many doubted she was even pregnant at all. She said her husband picked her up from the Dr. after it happened, dropped her off at home, and went back to work. No one even considered she was hurting.
When a pregnancy is brief, the pain that can come from it is often dismissed. The lack of concern for a women who has a miscarriage can often leave her feeling hurtful, frustrated, and abnormal.

Ectopic Pregnancy: A women named June, a mother of three children talks about her experience with an ectopic pregnancy. She said they were so excited to be having a 2nd child. One day she had severe pains and was taken to the Dr only to realize that the baby had implanted in her fallopian tube. The only thing to do was surgery to save her life, and she found out the baby was a boy. She goes on to say she felt as though she had an abortion. To consent to a surgery that would kill her baby was the hardest thing to do. She knew she would have died if not, but she couldn't let go of the feeling that she had purposefully killed him.
I can't imagine having to make a decision like that, I almost had to make that decision but my body in the end did it for me. Still doesn't make it easier.
Ectopic pregnancies usually abort or rupture in the tube within the first 3 months because the baby cannot receive the nourishment to grow and expand.

Stillbirth: Jean talks about how she had many prior miscarriages, so when she got far into her pregnancy she thought she would be fine. But almost to full-term she went in for a routine checkup and there was no heartbeat. To this day they are not sure why their baby girl died, but she was grateful for the time she had to hold her, kiss her, and be with her. Jean said it was so hard to see such a perfect, beautiful baby girl, and wonder what happened.

There are many unknown causes for stillbirths, many are often referred to as "cord accidents." Other causes are defect in the cord, the membranes, or problems with the placenta like my experience with Harrison.

Infant Death: A young mother Michelle went into premature labor at 6 months, but was put on bed rest and was able to carry almost full-term. She delivered a healthy baby girl. A few hours after their baby girl was born she was diagnosed with Group-B strep, she died three days later.
There are many causes of infant deaths, most commonly is the result from premature labor. Many parents spend weeks and months in the hospital only to see there baby die. There are other reasons such as congenital anomalies, heart defects, many parents are aware of these problems prior to birth however many come after birth.

Sherri says, "The loss of a baby at any stage of development yields an unusual sort of grief because, for the most part, society refuses to acknowledge the pain that comes from a failed pregnancy." Mostly due to the fact that the women was only pregnant a short while and the baby was never seen or held, or because the parents didn't' really have enough time to truly "know" the baby, therefore the loss is dismissed. Sherri says, "Few people understand that the fact that the parents never have an opportunity to know the child is the tragedy."
This part just jumped out at me: Sherri goes on to say, "It is cruel to assume that if the child has not breathed outside the womb, then the loss is insignificant. Similarly, to judge the gravity of the loss by weeks of gestation is unfair. However, the fact remains that while parents who lose a newborn are given some time to grieve, parents who have a stillborn baby are given less time to grieve, and parents who lose a baby through miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy are given very little time if any to recover emotionally." This part touched me so much. Because that is how I feel. Harrison did not take a breath but it doesn't take away the fact that he was a baby and was alive in the womb.
I could go on and on forever about this chapter. This is the one that really helped me. I felt the same way as many of the women in this book, talking about how, "Rather than accepting any loss as valid and genuine, society tends to take a person's loss and minimize it by comparing it to other tragedies."
Every parent as with every person grieves differently. Some parents may grieve deeply for long periods of time, while others may be able to recover quickly. Either is just fine and completely normal. Some people still ask, "But why do some women find the loss of a baby to be so traumatic in the first place?"
Jane Forsyth a therapist who also had a miscarriage states, "A miscarriage is perhaps the only phenomenon in which an individual experiences the death of another literally inside of her. To be closely attached to life and then to death brings a women's own mortality to consciousness, increasing her sense of vulnerability and forcing her to confront issues of control, depression, guilt, fear and anger. This can also be applied to ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, and infant death."
I never though of this but Sherri says that when a women becomes pregnant she redirects her life completely. You bond almost instantly, trying to take care of that baby. So when a women bond with and prepares for the baby but returns home from the hospital with empty arms it is devastating.
And lastly I love this statement Sherri says, "Babies symbolize life, innocence, and unconditional love. To associate a baby with death goes completely against all expectations. Babies, the beginning of life, should not enter the world at what is seemingly the end. While preparing to give life, no one prepares to say goodbye."
I think I've had many people wonder if I was depressed or ok? All I have to say is that after reading this book I know I am ok. I know that it is ok to grieve, to miss my son Harry. I know that these feelings are normal, that grieving over Harry is healthy. I hope many of you out there have found comfort from this book as well.

Gone Too Soon-Chapter One

2009-03-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

I read the most amazing book yesterday, "Gone Too Soon- The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children." By: Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. I felt like it expressed so much of what I was feeling and dealing with and I understood a lot of what I as well as other mothers are going through and why. She is LDS and so I love her perspective on it, but anyone of any faith I feel should read it. She is also a mother and has lost a baby through a miscarriage. It is one of those books that I want everyone to read, whether you have lost a baby through a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant loss. I also feel that whether your friend, daughter, family member or neighbor lost a baby, you should read the book as well, I think it will help those who haven't lost a baby realize why it is so hard and help them to understand. I feel so strongly about this book and how its made me feel that I want to do a book review in a way, to just touch on a few things that jumped out at me. It is a short book and I read it in a little over an hour. I read most of it aloud to my husband too. One thing I loved, was a whole chapter dedicated to fathers and one also to grieving grandparents. I feel both are left out of the grieving process of a baby dying at any stage.

My husband new how much I loved the book and related that he suggested I touch on each chapter a bit, that way if you do not read it or if you are a family member or friend of someone grieving you may at least catch a glimpse as to why losing at baby at any stage of life is so difficult.

Chapter One: The life of an unborn child
"One of the most important commandments is to "multiply and replenish the earth," and the ultimate goal is an eternal family. Perhaps this emphasis on family and on bringing these spirits to earth contribute to the trauma when complications with childbearing arise. We know these babies are important. Therefore, it can be frustrating when we feel that we are trying to follow the Lord's commandments and still no healthy babies come. However, even though these babies are no allowed to live on this earth outside of their mothers bodies, they are significant human beings. Even physically, there is more to these babies-even the tiniest ones-than most people realize." I loved this chapter because it emphasized so much that even the tiniest baby, in the first few weeks is something, is a baby.
The fetal development is something of a miracle, I think it is truly amazing how most major developments in the unborn baby happen very early. At just 18 days the heart begins to beat and at 21 days it is pumping blood. At 40 days, the babies brain waves can be recorded on an EEG showing brain function, how amazing is that. In weeks 6-7 the babies first movements occur. The baby then around 9-10 weeks starts to squint, swallow, and move its tongue around. It can bend its fingers and in a 9 week old baby it has been shown in US's the baby sucking its fingers and toes. And by 11-12 weeks (3 months) the baby is breathing amniotic fluid and all body systems are working.
I find it truly amazing, a miracle, that the baby has everything with in the first weeks of life. Its in the ongoing months that the "details" the growth and development occur.
Its amazing that with today's technology that we as parents physicans are able to to get a peek into the life these babies. With this increase in knowledge and technology parents are more easily bonded with their baby. The bonding is more powerful than ever and so it makes the pain much more severe if a baby dies.
Many parents will tell you that their baby has a personality long before they are born. Dr. Liley states:
"Distinctions can be observed between foetuses before birth, not only in their physical appearance, in their physiological appearance, but also in their activity states, their responses to external stimuli. In other words, it is not just appearance, but also, behaviour, by which they can be distinguished."
I remember with all my kids the babies being different. Hudson was not a very active baby, kicking but not like Ruby, she was crazy. And I was just at the beginning stages of feeling Harrison but I remember feeling him move so early and feeling him move all the time. The Dr's said he was always ahead of schedule and I feel that being ahead of schedule and feeling him more was so that I would be able to feel and see a perfect baby.
The final question this chapter poses at the end is "when does life begin?" It is complicated as you can see that from the beginning of the embryo's life it is forming and becoming more and more of a baby everyday. But one fact they point out is that, "The life of the unborn baby is truly significant, and when a baby is lost, its is indeed the loss of something-someone-very special."
I hope you find this book or the excerpts I am sharing with you helpful as well. Feel free to tell anyone you know who is experiencing the loss of a baby in any way, whether them personally or someone they know, that they should read this book or at least stop by and read these posts, I have found it so helpful. And I hope in some way I can help others out there realize that the loss of a baby at any stage is difficult, because well, it was a baby.

Special reminders

2009-03-05T18:19:00.000-08:00

I feel like I need to apologize for my last post. I wasn't trying to complain about not getting love and support because the more and more I thought about it I really have had a lot. Its just that I am sad that people feel they can't talk to me about Harrison or what happened. It especially hurts when close family members and friends have never said one thing or felt comfortable enough to ask how we were doing or ask about Harrison. But today I thought a lot about how really blessed we have been through all of this. We've received so many emails, comments on our blog of support, calls, meals brought in, gifts, and more. It really made me happy to think that I have had lots of love and support through all of this. I have to remind myself that many people have probably not said anything either because they don't know what to say or that they really just don't think about Harrison and the situation on a daily basis like I do. But that is whats hard is that he is my baby boy even though he was only with us for 5 months and then we were only able to hold him for a few hours, he is apart of our family. That's why I did that post so that anyone out there knows that its ok to ask and talk to me or anyone in my situation about it. We may cry, we may not, really it just shows us that you care.
So today I was thinking about all the special things I have to remember Harrison by. I got out his box of remembrance that the hospital gave us. I have so many pictures to remember him by. At first I thought it was weird and I was a little uncomfortable when they started to take pictures of us and him, but now I cherish them so much. Also inside the box I have the clothes and hat he wore, the blanket he was wrapped in, the measuring tape they used to measure him with, and the bear(above) that he was holding while we held him at the hospital. He is buried in different clothes, holding another bear, and was wrapped in a blanket from my company Sweet Ruby. My mom had the great idea of making him a white one, they are small 15x15 security blankets but it was the perfect size to wrap him in. I love that he has his own.
I love that I have his tiny perfect foot and hand prints. I also have his hand and foot molds that the ladies from Share took of him. One of my best friends Sarah, knitted Harrison the booties above just as a sweet memento, she's made each of my kids a pair and I love that she remembered and took the time to knit Harrison some. She also gave me a shadow box so that I can place some of these items inside. I had many people give me Willow Tree figurines which are so special and my sister-in-law took pictures of the funeral and kept some of the flowers and dried them for me. These are just some of the things that I never would of thought of but I am so grateful I have now. I have so many wonderful things to help me remember that he really was here. I love every single one of them.

I also have two amazing necklaces that I wear everyday, of course not at the same time.

A few weeks after I had Harrison I received a package from two of my aunts. They sent me the necklace above. The larger circle says, "Families are Forever", and the smaller ones have each of my children's names on them. I broke down crying when I received it. What I didn't realize was that one of my aunts had a baby over 20 years ago like Harrison, named Eric. The sad thing is that back then they didn't do much. I am pretty sure she was able to see him, but only for a moment and she was not able to bury him or spend as much time as she needed. Back then people didn't even talk about it. It made me hurt so much for her because I don't know what I would've done without the time I had spent with my little boy and being able to honor him and bury him. I am so grateful to both of my aunts for their love and support.

Shortly before I received that necklace from my Aunts, the owner of Julian and Co, sent Trent and I both a necklace, although he's not much of a necklace wearer he does love that she thought of him as well. I did a post a few weeks after I had Harrison on our family blog about how much I wanted a necklace with all my kids names on it. The owner of Julian and Company was getting so many hits from me posting about it that she sent me a necklace. She was so touched by our story and loss of our little boy. What an amazing women. I am so grateful for the love she showed to me, I didn't even know her. The necklace has all my kids names and on the back it has their birth date, weight, and height. I cherish both necklaces and have a hard time choosing between the two of them but I wear them both all the time. Whenever I am wearing them and Ruby is sitting on my lap she plays with them and says, "Harry, Ruby, Huddy." I love that my kids remember.

Then a few weeks ago a friend of mine that I had not seen in years but we kept in contact through the blog world, made me this picture just because she wanted too, thanks Patti. She lost a baby early on in her pregnancy as well so she knows my pain. She took the words from the song Trent wrote for Harrison and placed them altogether with some photos I had put on our blog, I can't wait to get it printed.

I love my baby boy and miss him but because of all the people out there that love us, they gave us some special things to remember him by. Thank you so much, you will never know how much it really means to us.

Acknowledgement

2009-03-04T14:34:00.001-08:00

I have had two really good days. The sun has been shining, that for one thing is helpful in and of its self, but I just feel that talking about Harrison and not keeping my feelings inside is helping me so much.
I have come across some of the most amazing people through this experience. Mothers who have been through the loss of a child, one almost exactly the same way as how I lost Harrison. It hurts to know that others have gone through what I have because I know how much I hurt and miss him and so I know how they feel. And so in starting this blog and finding these amazing women it has strengthened my love for Harrison, for my family, and my testimony. I know we are not in this alone.
I've come across an amazing women/friend Tifani the past few weeks, our story is very similar and she also has a blog for her baby Micah as well, Enduring Well. I have to say no matter what trial you are going through in life her blog is one to read. She has the most amazing way with words and with writing down her feelings. I love emailing her and reading her blog because she sums up so much of how I feel and what I want to say and wish I had said. And I just feel that right now we understand each other so much. I am so blessed to have her in my life and all the other mothers out there that I've met.
Tifani's last post was about people not talking to us. I, like many others out there, feel awkward with people who have never talked to me about my situation or Harrison. I think that's been the hardest struggle through all this and I've talked about it many times on here, is that I feel like everyone else is moving on and I can't. I feel as though Harrison is forgotten or as if he was never apart of our family. Its hard for me when people I know and love have not said one thing to me about Harrison or the situation. Many people, family included have not said one thing to me since Harrison's funeral in November and I see them on a regular basis. I don't expect people to call or write or send things, but its when I see people all the time and they've not once said anything to me. I don't write this to be mean or hurtful to anyone, more just to let you know that its ok to talk to me, to talk to people like me. We want to talk, that's what helps us, it lets us know that you love and care about us. I know its hard to know what to say and I'm sure you don't want to say the wrong thing but not saying anything is more hurtful than saying the wrong thing. Even if its a sincere, "How are you doing."
In Tifani's blog she put (hopefully you don't mind)
-Love the person openly. (Sit with them, hug them, cry with them etc.)
-Acknowledge their pain
-Don't give advice or try to find an answer for their suffering
-Listen, listen, listen
-Be sensitive to the issue (example: if the person lost a baby don't talk about or complain about your baby, or being pregnant, etc.)
-Don't forget them just because time has passed. They will never stop missing their loved one no matter how much time has passed.
You can click here to read about how to help someone who is grieving. Also click here for a list of helpful things to say and not to say.

I write this only to say that I know I am healing and have had some good days lately because I am talking about it. I think I didn't talk about it for so long, because people didn't talk to me about it. And in finding other mothers blogs I've realized that that's the key in healing. I need to talk and want to talk about my son. I need to acknowledge and would love your support and acknowledgement that he is my son. Its not that I want to about him to everyone or in every moment but a simple comment or question is all it takes.

I have had many people through this, people I haven't seen in years or even people I don't know that well, talk to me, send cards, emails, cookies, flowers, even months later. Just saying how truly sorry they were for our loss and just letting us know they haven't forgotten and that they love us. I am forever grateful to those people for their love and service. They have shown to me real Christ like Love, that I hope someday I can repay whether to them or to others. I know one thing I have gained through this process is service to others. Its the most Christ like act and I've been served so much through this process that its something I am dedicated in doing. Whether it be a meal to a family in need, a sick person, a baby just born, a phone call, anything.

Again, I don't do this so that everyone who reads this will all of sudden send flowers or cards or call. No apologies needed, just know that we don't mind talking and for the most part I can talk about Harrison and not be sad. I love him and he's my son and he's apart of my life. Whether its a serious illness, a death in the family, a lost job, any sort of trial for the most part I think people want acknowledgement and for people to talk to them. To just ignore them or their situation is uncomfortable and more painful.
Tifani described it best when she said, she feels as though she's fighting for her life. I feel that some days, I want to stay in bed, I don't want to see people but I can't just stay in bed, I am still a mother, I have kids to take care of, dinner to make, a husband to love, a business to run, life moves on but there are times when I want to stay in bed and do nothing. I am doing what I can for me. The grieving process is hard, one I've never understood myself and even as a someone who has lost a child I find it hard to say things sometimes, but just letting a person know you care and love them and just acknowledge what happened lets us know that you do care. Remember the words of King Benjamin to his people, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God." Mosiah 2:17.

Hard times call for Prayer

2009-03-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

I thought this was supposed to get easier? I felt after the couple months of Harrison being gone that I was doing ok. I had good days and bad days but for the most part they were getting better. I know I was quite busy so that helped, moving, holidays, and parties. I honestly don't think I had a day where I just sat. But now it seems as though the holidays and parties are over, we are settled into our home and there is nothing to look forward too. The next significant date is my due date, March 15th, 2 weeks from today. And I don't look forward to it at all.
That's the date that most women can't wait for. Counting down the days until their little boy or girl will finally be born. I know most women don't deliver on their due dates, I never have. Hudson came 10 days early on his own and Ruby was induced 1 week early because I wasn't about to have her be born on Christmas, 4 days before was close enough. And well, as you know my little Harry was 4 months early. But still your due date is a the most important date to a pregnant women. You count down they days, everyone asks you when you are due. Here in the blog world there are little tickers everywhere that remind you how far you are and how long you have to go. I had one for Harrison and I remember being so grateful everyday I saw the number go up, I was getting closer and closer. But then it all happened. It was 4 months yesterday that he's been gone. Four of the most painful months of my life.
Trent and I had a hard night the other night. It was one of those nights where you just cry all night and basically don't sleep. I felt awful because I made Trent upset, I started talking about how upset I had been lately, how the past few weeks have been really hard. I was crying and just so confused. I kept saying I missed Harrison so much, more than I ever thought I would. I kept saying how I had so many regrets. I regret not having one picture of my belly or any pregnant picture with him. I regret that I was so sick that I didn't hold him long enough after he was born. I regret not kissing him more or squeezing him. I was talking with my other angel friend Tif and how I regret being scared to hold him because I was afraid I would hurt him. I regret not examining every part of him, taking his clothes off, its funny but I regret not taking a peak at his cute bum under his diaper. Trent kept telling me that I can't think that way. I held him and for hours. I can't regret it because I was so sick and was lucky to be alive and have those moments with him. I know that but it doesn't make it easier. I miss him so much and wish I could go back. I said, do you think I am ok? Is it normal to be feeling this way after 4 months? Why does it seem to be getting harder? We talked and cried all night. As much as I don't like those moments I also Cherish them. They are moments when I grow closer to my husband and I feel I grow closer to Harrison. We talk about him, remember him and wonder what he would be like. During our "cry session" as I like to call it, I looked at the wall where I have our family pictures on it and just cried. I have 2 pictures frames on this one wall, one has 3 pictures of Ruby sitting in different posses at 5 months old, the first time she'd sat up. I also have one of Hudson that is exactly the same, he's 5 months and it was also his first time sitting. I cried thinking I'd never have one of Harrison like that. Its just one of those earthly possessions that I Cherish so much and wish I would have of him.
I hate that as time goes on I feel as though Harrison is being forgotten as though everyone around me is moving on and I can't. I am stuck. I am stuck in a place I don't want to be. I want to talk about him every minute of everyday but yet I feel I can't because I feel as though there isn't much to say and that no one else cares as much as I do. I think about him everyday and almost everything makes me think of him. I am finding it harder to look at my friends and family members who are pregnant. I have some friends and family members who were due right around the time I was. Its hard to see them or think that they are getting a nursery ready, shopping for last minute things, and getting excited for the arrival of their baby. Its hard to look at pregnant women, especially friends and hear them talk about their growing belly, the baby kicking, its all too overwhelming. I really just want to skip that day, its day I didn't think would ever come and now that its almost here I am dreading it. I don't know how I'm going to react and what I'm going to do. I want it to be a special day though. I day that I can celebrate Harrison, but how can I?
One thing positive through all of this is that I Cherish my living children so much. I always did but I look at them in a different way. I feel that I have become more patient, more attentive, and more loving. I am not the most patient mother but I find myself in times when I want to yell or lose my temper that I stop myself. I find my mind filling with the thought that I can't yell at them, Harrison's not here, he's watching, and he doesn't get to be here with us, so its not fair to my children who are here to be mean. Heavenly Father has blessed me with these two beautiful, perfect children, and I need to take care of them and love them. I am grateful for my family and for my children I have. I know this is a trial that I need to go through for some reason and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that he understands the pain and conflict that I am going through. I also know that we are not given trials at which we can not handle. But it feels as though this one has a stronger hold on me.
Elder Robert E. Wells said, “Sometimes we go many years with no problems, and then they seem to come all at once and the burdens seem to be more than we can bear. But through it all, we have two main strengths to rely on, We knew before we came that it would be like this, yet we wanted to come because the blessings of remaining faithful to the end would earn us eternal exaltation. Second we will never be tempted beyond our ability to resist." I wonder sometimes did I know when coming to this earth that I would not be able to raise one of my children here on earth? All I know is that I choose to come and I understood what was at stake.
Trent and I spoke in church a few weeks ago, as the new couple in the ward. We were able to choose our own topics and I choose trials and tribulations. I knew it would be hard subject but I felt it important to tell our story and for me to study and gain a stronger testimony about it. I read that when Heavenly Father told Joseph Smith that he would have many hard times, in D&C 122:7: “Know thou my son, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” It enabled the Prophet to endure all and he was promised in D&C 122:9 “Therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.” I think about the trials that our Prophet Joseph Smith went through, the persecutions, the taring and feathering, the loss of many babies, and then dying at such a young age for our church all for our church. We would not have this gospel and Book of Mormon today if it was not for his strength to press on through all this trials and he knew they would be many. I feel as though my trial is nothing compared to his, but I know that this life is a test and one that if I go to my Heavenly Father in pray, with an open heart and humble myself before him that I will not be alone and I know I can get through this even though there are days I feel I can not.
President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Prayer in the hour of need is a great boon. From simple trials to our own Gethsemane's, prayer can put us in touch with God, our greatest source of comfort and counsel.” Also, President Thomas S. Monson also said about prayer, “When the burdens of life become heavy, when trials test ones faith, when pain, sorrow, and despair cause the light of hope to flicker and burn low, communication with our Heavenly Father provides peace.”
I know this month will be hard. I know that I'll struggle many days, I know I'll have many sleepless nights, as I do many nights, thinking, crying, wondering. I know I'll pray hard. I pray hard daily for strength to get up and fight through us. To have patience with my kids, to show to others, to not be selfish. I pray daily that I can serve others because I know I feel good when I do. I pray to fight through this and feel at peace and feel the spirit. There are many days I feel as though my little boy is on my hip as if I were holding him. I pray daily that he knows how much I love him and miss him and that I'm trying so hard to be the best I can be. I want him to be proud of me. If I can remember that I am not alone and that if I go to my Father in Heaven in prayer that I can be comforted and get through this. I think I'll be on my knees a lot.

An amazing Father and Husband

2009-02-26T14:54:00.000-08:00

As many of you know that last post was from my hubby. I love him so much and feel bad for fathers out there who have lost children. Especially in the way we did and many others out there. I think many feel that because the mother was the one who was carrying the child that it doesn't' affect the father as much. Well, I am here to say otherwise. It makes me sad when people only ask me how I am doing, they don't even think to ask him. I think they assume dads are fine and get over it. But they don't. He's hurting just as much as I am. I've had to sit and watch, and sometimes be the strong one for my husband. We tend to take turns crying. Sometimes he'll come to me on a bad day, and I can be strong for him and not cry and just sit and love him and hold him and listen. Other times its him for me and sometimes we're both a mess. He told me about a month ago that he's cried himself to sleep many nights. I have as well, but I guess I didn't realize that he would be too. I know he had to "move on" faster than I did. And I mean move on I don't mean, like, its over, forget it now. I just mean, I was terribly sick for weeks after Harry and he had to jump back in his role as a father and more plus work. I had a lot of recovering to do from being so sick and all the medications and blood transfusions and also labor. It took a tole on my body. I was also on bed rest for a few weeks prior to having Harrison so Trent had to be both mother and father to our children as I was unable to do anything. But not once did I hear him complain. He still went to work, running his own company, coming home to take care of the kids, cook, clean, and well, do everything.
I think its been just as hard on him. I know he loves his son and misses him daily. He wishes he were here. My sister had a baby in August and he looks like our oldest Hudson. For the longest time after Harrison was born Trent couldn't hold Boen, my sisters baby. He would hold him and whale up with tears and hand him back. It was too hard in his eyes to see what Harry might have looked like.
Trent was just as scared as I was from the beginning. On nights throughout my whole pregnancy when I would wake up covered in blood wondering if I had miscarried he would help me to the bathroom and take care of me. Always being my rock, reassuring me that everything was ok. He took such good care of me and watched me suffer and worry. Taking me to the Dr almost weekly and both of us sitting there thinking the pregnancy was over and every time them telling us, well, that baby is fine, he's measuring ahead of schedule, this blood clot and loss of blood is not affecting him one bit. Trent told me later that daily he waited to hear from me and dreaded the phone calls when I'd say, well, I'm bleeding bad again. I was getting weaker and weaker and it was hard for him to see that.
I love him more than words can say. He helped me through this and watched as he almost lost his wife and son. I had more blessings in the 5 months I was pregnant that probably I had had in my entire life. I am so grateful for my husband and his faith and priesthood. I know even though it was scary time and one I don't like to recall, I do love remembering how at peace I would feel when I received a blessing, even if it was just for a short while.

I know he is grateful everyday as I am that I lived and am ok. But we are both still sad at the loss of our son. I can't help but blame myself and feel guilt that I, the mother who was giving him life, that my body gave up on him, there was nothing wrong with him. It was me. But Trent tells me that I am supposed to be here that Heavenly Father spared my life so that I could be here to take care of the children I did have and take care of him.

I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for my husband. For the love he shows to me. He loves me through it all. And when I have a bad day and am sad or don't want to talk, he still loves me and understands. He loves his children more than anything. And he's always said that he didn't realize how much he could love someone so much he didn't even know.

It makes me think about our Heavenly Father and how much he loved his son that he sent him to earth to die for us. Knowing he would suffer for all. I have a much stronger understanding of our Saviors atonement. I know he died for me, for my pain and suffering. I know that I can and will endue to the end so that I can be with him and my son again.

I wanted to share what Trent, my husband wrote shortly after we had Harrison on our family blog here. Below are his words of what happened that day and also a song he wrote for Harrison. He is amazing, he's written me and all our children a song. And I am so grateful that he wrote one for/to Harrison. He wrote me one and that's how he asked me to marry him. Harrison's song is below. Also to read more of my pregnancy and our family you can check out our family blog here if you want the whole story of my pregnancy.

This is from Trent:
This is my first post ever. April does such an outstanding job that I think its better that she posts. However, at this time I wanted to express a few of my perspectives on the events of the past couple weeks so they can also be recorded here for remembrance.

I often find it interesting how some memories can become so fuzzy with time while others seem to be eternally vivid. As I expressed at the graveside, there are some moments etched into my memory, and which have and likely will continue to impact me in ways difficult to explain. One is the feeling of gratitude for how much love and care I felt were given by the nurses and other staff at the Hospital. I was there watching and waiting and my gratitude grew more full throughout the week. Sometimes in the moment I had great optimism and faith, then after the fact I realized how dangerous the situation truly was. As I ponder this my gratitude swells. Through this roller coaster of hope and fear, it was trust in the Lord that helped us through.On the night of Sunday, Oct. 26th we had been there for a few days while they monitored April and Harrison. Sometime after 10:00 p.m. April asked me to help her up to go to the bathroom and she began to bleed heavily. I called the nurses in right away. They came in and I don't remember exactly what they said, but they called in the whole team. What I do remember clearly is her passing out, me grabbing under her arms and lifting her with the nurses over to the bed while they worked to revive her. I stood to the side of her bed next to her head and pleaded with our Heavenly Father to bring her back. Time stood still as she came to and opened her eyes. She was so confused for a few seconds as she started to put the pieces together in her mind. She started to cry and ask if she lost the baby. She just looked at me and kept asking while I assured her that things are under control and the baby was ok. I will never forget the indescribable range of emotions of those few minutes.When we were faced with the possibility of choosing who should live, this was possibly the most heart wrenching time of all. To believe its possible for the baby to make it a couple more weeks and hope that this is the case, but at the same time to have a mother and wife be severely at risk and seeing the situation worsen, is not something I would want for anyone. During this period April and I had some time alone. I sat by her bedside and we talked and cried together. When Harrison was born it was just April and then a few nurses or two. From that point on, although there was sadness, the rest of the night there was such a feeling of peace. It was a time where the veil between heaven and earth seemed to grow thin. We were at our most humble and prayerful. We were able to hold him and see his beautiful face, be in awe at the perfectness of his little hands and feet, and spend a brief period with him as a family.The next night I decided to go home to take a shower and sleep since I hadn't slept much in 4 days. I got home around 11:30 p.m. and found myself sitting on the bed in our quiet home retracing the events of the last few days and letting it all sink in. I pulled out my notepad where I write lyrics from time to time and jotted down my thoughts. It all just came to me and I was done in about 20 minutes. I'll end my post with the words I wrote:

Harry's Song

Although I grieve,and wipe the tears with my sleeve,

you've changed our lives forever,in just a few short weeks.

My son the one, that I didn't get to know,

yet I feel so much love,between us flow.

We caught a glimpse,of a spirit so strong,

as you fought and triumphed,for so very long.

Now I have the feeling,that we knew you before,

and when the time comes,we'll see you once more.

So this life will be,but a brief delay,

while we gain the assurance,to reunite some day.

Even though I may grieve,and wipe the tears with my sleeve,

you've changed our lives forever,and brought our family closer together.

We love you, Dad

Love you Buddy

2009-02-25T22:10:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say that I love you Harry. I think about you every day and hope to make you proud to be my son. I'm trying. Love, Dad.

What book to read?

2009-02-23T19:12:00.000-08:00

Does anyone out there know of or recommend a good book about losing a child? I know Share gives you a list of books but I was just wondering if anyone has read one or knows which ones are good and worth reading.
Also do you know of any books that are good to read to children on losing a sibling? I have a almost 5 year old and a 2 year old. Thanks

Not by Chance

2009-02-22T15:22:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days. It was also one of those Sundays that I just didn't want to go. The kids were being horrible all morning, crying, not getting dressed or helping at all. Trent is the ward clerk in our ward so he is gone on Sunday mornings and I am left to get the kids ready. Ruby was being especially hard, none stop crying and well you can't drop off a 2 year old whose been crying all morning to nursery. She's been sick for a few days, nothing bad, just under the weather. So Trent left with Hudson and I told him to come and pick Ruby and I up just before Sacrament.
I slowly got ready, since I had 2 hours the whole time thinking that when he showed I'd just send him back and I'd stay home. But I got dressed and got Ruby ready because even though I didn't want to go I knew that I should. I didn't realize it was Ward Conference, I was kind of sad that I missed my first two meetings and prayed that I would be able to feel the spirit in this last meeting and feel at peace. I needed it today. The first 30 min the kids just wouldn't be quiet. Ruby was singing and talking so loud I am trying to teach her how to whisper but she hasn't picked up on it yet. And Hudson just kept bugging her. The sacrament was passed and they finally calmed down and it was our Bishops turn to speak. The minute he got up he started to cry and I was over come with emotion and the spirit instantly. He then began to say that he was impressed to speak about how amazing this ward was and how amazing the families are in this ward. He said he was impressed by the spirit to speak about all the families in our ward who have had infants pass away. I instantly started to cry, I couldn't control my emotions. It was one of those ugly cries where you just sob and can't stop. I felt as though my heart was going to jump out of my chest. The worst part was I didn't have a tissue either. He went on to say that he knew it wasn't by chance that we were all together, that 1 in 100,000 (or something like that) that lose babies and that there are so many in this ward. We are to be togther to help each other.
See, Trent and I have only been in this home/ward a little over 2 months, yup, we moved a few weeks after Harrison was born, talk about hard and stressful. We spoke in church two weeks ago and we were not given topics. I prayed so hard as to what I might speak on and it just kept coming back to trials. I told our story about me being so sick the whole pregnancy, about moving three times this year, and about losing our baby boy. When the meeting was over we had so many families come up to us and say that they had lost babies as well. I was shocked and felt horrible. One women imparticular has an amazing story and I don't think she'd mind you reading about it, click here. Her blog is private but a good friend of mine wrote a post about her just recently. Have a tissue handy. She is an amazing women and I feel so privileged and blessed to be apart of her ward and life.
Anyways, I just know that the Lord has a hand in our lives and if we just have faith in him he will lead us through all our struggles. I know that I am in my ward for a reason. I am so amazed and look at all these families and their struggles and see how amazing they are and it gives me hope that I can one day be like them.

Questions

2009-02-21T11:52:00.000-08:00

I am one of those people who worries about what other people think, a lot. I want to be liked by all, I don't want to offend anyone, I don't like contention. So I worry. I remember a short time after I had Harrison I worried about what people thought and still worry. I wonder if they think, "Oh he was only 20 weeks, you didn't even know him. Or, "He couldn't have survived so why is it so hard" and so on. I think about that often. I feel as though when I see other mothers grieving for their lost children that they are justified in doing so. Many people I know and have come across have lost their children at almost full term due to umbilical cord accidents or other things. They are justified in their grieving and loss because their babies had every chance of survival, they were with them full term and were babies. Or those mothers whose babies lived for awhile and due to some reason were not able to survive. Or mothers who have a child die at any age for that matter. For some reason I always have the thought in mind that if I am sad that people wonder why. But then I think of mothers who've lost a baby due to a miscarriage and were never able to see or hold their baby, how much that hurts. Or those mothers who have infertility problems and have no been able to conceive a child of their own how much that must hurt. I believe we are all justified in our grieving. Being a mother is our Divine right and purpose for being on this earth. Whether in this life or the next we will all be able to be Mothers.

Many women who have had the opportunity to become a mother will understand in some way how I am feeling. Do you remember the feeling when you first found out you were pregnant? Maybe you were scared, worried, frightened. Maybe you were happy, excited, it was a long time coming. You connect with that baby instantly. You wonder what they'll look like, how they'll talk, if it will be a boy or girl. There is spirit in that baby inside of you from the moment they were conceived I believe. I had all of those feelings and thoughts with Harrison. I was able to see him in pictures through ultrasounds, see his heartbeat, see him move, see his profile. I was far enough along that I had gained a little weight, so people knew I was pregnant just by looking at me, I had a belly. I was far enough along that I had felt him move, my husband could even feel him kick. I was far enough along that I found out that my baby was a boy. My husband, children, and I had a connection to him. He was our baby boy.
So when my body went into labor and there was nothing they could do I was devastated. My baby boy, my Harrison was alive and well. There was nothing wrong with him. He lived until the very end of my labor, but he was too little to survive in this world. The most amazing thing was that even at 21 weeks he was a baby. He was a tiny baby, only 13.2 oz but he was a baby. He was perfect, he had everything that newborns have, fingernails, toes, the cutest little ears. He was a baby. I was able to hold him, kiss him, feel him. He was my baby and yet he's not here with me. I had to give him away, I had to say goodbye. I can't hold him anymore or feel him anymore.
I had many questions and still do, which many will not be answered, but I searched for answers in the Book of Mormon, through Prophets talks to see that I was justified in my feelings and that what I believed, that I would be able to raise him someday was true.
Then a friend of mine, a friend who early on in her pregnancy had lost a baby, sent me an email with answers to questions I had. Not much is said on Stillborn children, but she found this in Mormon Doctrine:

"...That masterful document on the origin of man by the First Presidency of the Church (Joseph F. Smith, John R. Winder, and Anthon H. Lund) appears to bear out the concept that the eternal spirit enters the body prior to a normal birth, and therefore that stillborn children will be resurrected. It states: "The body of man enters upon its career as a tiny germ or embryo, which becomes an infant, quickened at a certain stage by the spirit whose tabernacle it is, and the child, after being born, develops into a man." (Man: His Origin and Destiny, p. 354.) This interpretation is in harmony with the general knowledge we have of the mercy and justice of that Infinite Being in whose divine economy nothing is ever lost. It would appear that we can look forward with hope and anticipation for the resurrection of stillborn children.

President Brigham Young taught that "when the mother feels life come to her infant, it is the spirit entering the body preparatory to the immortal existence";

President Joseph Fielding Smith gave it as his opinion "that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us."

There it was. I am justified in my feelings. Harrison was a baby and was my baby. He had a spirit and I knew it. I believed I would be able to raise him again someday and I was right. He will be able to be resurrected as we all will and will be able to be whole, spirit and body one day and I will be able to hold him, hug him, and kiss him and raise him.

The Beginning

2009-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

I have decided to start a blog to honor Harry and write down my feelings. I think it will be a good way to heal and remember him. The more I talk about him the better I feel and I hope in some way I can be helpful to others who may someday come across this blog who have gone through a similar experience. I pray that as I type I might be guided by the spirit to help myself and others out there.
I am going to start at the beginning and explain how this all started.
In June 2008, we sold our home and moved to Mt. Green. We had two children at the time, Hudson had just turned 4 and Ruby was 17 months. I kept telling Trent I swore I was pregnant. He kept saying, "How your on the pill?" I had all the symptoms, my boobs were so sore. I had to pee in the middle of the night, every night, and I had horrible heartburn. After a few weeks of wondering I decided to take a test. I was so scared. I wasn't sure how I would react, we weren't ready, we had just moved and I just really wasn't ready. But sure enough I was pregnant. I remember going to Trent and I said do you want the good news of the bad news, I didn't really know what the good news or bad news was, but I told him he was going to be a daddy again. I cried, I was so nervous and scared. Trent was as always wonderful and so comforting. He said we would be fine and I knew we would be, it was just so unexpected.
But it didn't take long for me to be totally in love with the baby. I wanted to talk about being pregnant all the time, names, how I felt, what the baby would be, it was really great. I was due March 15th, a perfect time of year and a month I always wanted to deliver in.
But from the beginning there were complications. I was bleeding heavily almost daily. I went to the Dr. weekly. I was told I had a large blood clot at the end of my placenta and that I had a high chance of a miscarriage or preterm labor. I remembered hearing those words but for some reason never once thought it would happen. As the weeks went on I was bleeding more and more and passing large blood clots. I was getting weaker and weaker and more scared. But every time I went to the Dr, Harrison was fine. He was measuring ahead of schedule and was always perfect. I was starting to get a belly and was feeling him move all the time. I was never expected to get to 20 weeks but I did. And then on Saturday, October 25th, after some pushing from family and friends, Trent and I decided it was time to put an end to bleeding and go to Labor and Delivery and see what was going on. My HCT or blood count had come down more in just a few days. They gave me the option to stay and be observed or to go home and then come back on Monday. I remembered not knowing what to do so I prayed. I prayed so hard and asked for guidance on whether we should stay or not. The nurse came in the room and asked us what we had decided and I immediately knew I wanted to stay. So they put us in a room in the post partum care of Labor and Delivery for observation for the night, we felt it was just precaution. Our little guy as always was a trooper. They observed me through the night and I was pretty good, but then I started losing large amounts of blood and starting to show the signs of blood loss. My Dr. decided that it would be best to keep me for a few days to watch my blood count and see what happened. Then Sunday night it all went down hill. Trent and I were just getting ready for bed. The nurses had an IV with a large catheter so that in case I did need a transfusion in an emergency it would be easy. Trent helped me to the bathroom and to bed. The minute I laid down I felt the bleeding begin and it wouldn't stop. He paged the nurse and I started passing out, i was in and out of consciousness for awhile, I was losing so much blood. I remember waking up one time and thinking I was so at peace and had been dreaming and then I saw all the commotion around me. I realized it was not good. I remembered asking if I had lost the baby and they told me he was still doing great. They were worried because I was in labor contracting every few minutes and was dilated to a two. So to be safe they transferred me to labor and delivery and started giving me blood transfusions, I had four transfusions, with 7 units of blood throughout the space of a few days. I was terribly sick for a few days from the loss of blood, shock, and just all the events. I was placed on IV's to help keep me hydrated and help with the shock and was also on pains meds, nausea meds, and two antibiotics for a uterine infection. I new the end was coming but I wasn't sure when and if Trent and I were to make a decision or if my body would. My contractions had slowed down and there was a hope that I could make it a few more weeks. They stabilized me for the night and then the next morning, we visited with the Perinatologist and he informed us that we had a perfect baby. He was measuring about 21 weeks and was doing great. The problem was that I had a large blood clot and my placenta was abrupting. He explained that to stop labor would put me in danger. So we new that if my body started to labor again that we were to let it just go. By Monday night I had stopped labor and we weren't sure what to expect throughout the night and the next day. Then Tuesday morning I woke up bleeding again and was dilated to a 3 and contracting. I knew what was coming. I was glad my body made the decision to deliver and Trent and I didn't have to, although we knew what that meant. It was a long day, almost 10hrs of labor, our little Harrison held on the whole time. He was alive and well until the very end. The labor was too much for his little boy to handle. Harrison was born on October 28, 2008. He was the most perfect 21 week old any of them had ever seen. The most peaceful part was that when he delivered Trent and I were the only ones in the room. The nurse had just checked me and said I was a 5 still and the minute they left I told Trent that I felt pressure. He immediately called the nurse and when they came in he was laying there peacefully. Harrison Samuel Maw was born weighing 13.2 oz and 10 inches. He never took a breath, never got to hear him cry, but got the most perfect body. I was amazed at how beautiful he was and perfect. I know that Heavenly Father needed him more at this time but he blessed us to have a few hours with him. I already miss holding his little hands and seeing his cute profile. He looked just like Hudson. The hospital staff was amazing and took such good care of us and him. They gave us so many mementos to remember him by. I don't think I can ever express my gratitude enough to them.
The spirit in the room was amazing and so peaceful considering the circumstances. Trent and I were able to spend some time alone with him, as well as the kids and some of the family. We were able to hug him, kiss him, and be together as a family. The veil was so thin that night and for being one of the most saddest days of my life I have to say it was also the most spiritual. We are so blessed to be his parents and were so blessed with a perfect baby.
Hudson didn't really know what to think, but he kept asking about him so we just took it slow. He did hold him and loved him. Ruby was amazed. She just kept calling him her baby brother and holding him and starring and saying over and over, "I wanna hold him." One of our good friends that was also a nurse gave my kids a little white bear angel and a blanket that the baby also got, so that the kids can feel him at all times. My kids to this day sleep with those bears, they call them, Harry. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and hope I never have to do again. I know that he is watching over us right now and is at peace. I am grateful for my eternal family. I also know that we will be with him again some day.
My heart is aching for my baby and family. This has been a huge struggle but I have seen how much closer we have all grown. All the Dr's and nurses kept saying that we must have had some strong prayers behind us because everything turned out ok and our baby was perfect for his short time on earth. I love him and miss him but am grateful for my Heavenly Fathers Plan that he has set up for me and everyone. I know that my Heavenly Father had a different plan for Harrison and that he has work to do in Heaven. I know he is perfect and was able to receive a body and go straight to our Heavenly Fathers arms. I miss him and always will but I am grateful he was able to come down for a short while and touch our family. I know that that Families really are forever.
To my baby boy: Harrison I love and miss you deeply. I am so grateful that I was able to spend almost 21 weeks with you and hold you for a few hours. I was able to feel you move and hold you. I am so grateful that you did not suffer. I love your little hands, your long toes, and your amazingly perfect profile. I love that you looked just like your older brother. You were perfect in every way and yet for some reason were not able to stay with us. Know we love and miss you but that we will be together again someday. Please watch over us and keep us together and safe so that we can all meet again. I love you and will always remember you. Just know mommy and daddy love and miss you as well as your older brother and sister. We know you are with us. And we also know that Heavenly Father needed you so much more right now. We know heaven is the perfect place to be. We love you Harrison.