I have decided to start a blog to honor Harry and write down my feelings. I think it will be a good way to heal and remember him. The more I talk about him the better I feel and I hope in some way I can be helpful to others who may someday come across this blog who have gone through a similar experience. I pray that as I type I might be guided by the spirit to help myself and others out there.
I am going to start at the beginning and explain how this all started.
In June 2008, we sold our home and moved to Mt. Green. We had two children at the time, Hudson had just turned 4 and Ruby was 17 months. I kept telling Trent I swore I was pregnant. He kept saying, "How your on the pill?" I had all the symptoms, my boobs were so sore. I had to pee in the middle of the night, every night, and I had horrible heartburn. After a few weeks of wondering I decided to take a test. I was so scared. I wasn't sure how I would react, we weren't ready, we had just moved and I just really wasn't ready. But sure enough I was pregnant. I remember going to Trent and I said do you want the good news of the bad news, I didn't really know what the good news or bad news was, but I told him he was going to be a daddy again. I cried, I was so nervous and scared. Trent was as always wonderful and so comforting. He said we would be fine and I knew we would be, it was just so unexpected.
But it didn't take long for me to be totally in love with the baby. I wanted to talk about being pregnant all the time, names, how I felt, what the baby would be, it was really great. I was due March 15th, a perfect time of year and a month I always wanted to deliver in.
But from the beginning there were complications. I was bleeding heavily almost daily. I went to the Dr. weekly. I was told I had a large blood clot at the end of my placenta and that I had a high chance of a miscarriage or preterm labor. I remembered hearing those words but for some reason never once thought it would happen. As the weeks went on I was bleeding more and more and passing large blood clots. I was getting weaker and weaker and more scared. But every time I went to the Dr, Harrison was fine. He was measuring ahead of schedule and was always perfect. I was starting to get a belly and was feeling him move all the time. I was never expected to get to 20 weeks but I did. And then on Saturday, October 25th, after some pushing from family and friends, Trent and I decided it was time to put an end to bleeding and go to Labor and Delivery and see what was going on. My HCT or blood count had come down more in just a few days. They gave me the option to stay and be observed or to go home and then come back on Monday. I remembered not knowing what to do so I prayed. I prayed so hard and asked for guidance on whether we should stay or not. The nurse came in the room and asked us what we had decided and I immediately knew I wanted to stay. So they put us in a room in the post partum care of Labor and Delivery for observation for the night, we felt it was just precaution. Our little guy as always was a trooper. They observed me through the night and I was pretty good, but then I started losing large amounts of blood and starting to show the signs of blood loss. My Dr. decided that it would be best to keep me for a few days to watch my blood count and see what happened. Then Sunday night it all went down hill. Trent and I were just getting ready for bed. The nurses had an IV with a large catheter so that in case I did need a transfusion in an emergency it would be easy. Trent helped me to the bathroom and to bed. The minute I laid down I felt the bleeding begin and it wouldn't stop. He paged the nurse and I started passing out, i was in and out of consciousness for awhile, I was losing so much blood. I remember waking up one time and thinking I was so at peace and had been dreaming and then I saw all the commotion around me. I realized it was not good. I remembered asking if I had lost the baby and they told me he was still doing great. They were worried because I was in labor contracting every few minutes and was dilated to a two. So to be safe they transferred me to labor and delivery and started giving me blood transfusions, I had four transfusions, with 7 units of blood throughout the space of a few days. I was terribly sick for a few days from the loss of blood, shock, and just all the events. I was placed on IV's to help keep me hydrated and help with the shock and was also on pains meds, nausea meds, and two antibiotics for a uterine infection. I new the end was coming but I wasn't sure when and if Trent and I were to make a decision or if my body would. My contractions had slowed down and there was a hope that I could make it a few more weeks. They stabilized me for the night and then the next morning, we visited with the Perinatologist and he informed us that we had a perfect baby. He was measuring about 21 weeks and was doing great. The problem was that I had a large blood clot and my placenta was abrupting. He explained that to stop labor would put me in danger. So we new that if my body started to labor again that we were to let it just go. By Monday night I had stopped labor and we weren't sure what to expect throughout the night and the next day. Then Tuesday morning I woke up bleeding again and was dilated to a 3 and contracting. I knew what was coming. I was glad my body made the decision to deliver and Trent and I didn't have to, although we knew what that meant. It was a long day, almost 10hrs of labor, our little Harrison held on the whole time. He was alive and well until the very end. The labor was too much for his little boy to handle. Harrison was born on October 28, 2008. He was the most perfect 21 week old any of them had ever seen. The most peaceful part was that when he delivered Trent and I were the only ones in the room. The nurse had just checked me and said I was a 5 still and the minute they left I told Trent that I felt pressure. He immediately called the nurse and when they came in he was laying there peacefully. Harrison Samuel Maw was born weighing 13.2 oz and 10 inches. He never took a breath, never got to hear him cry, but got the most perfect body. I was amazed at how beautiful he was and perfect. I know that Heavenly Father needed him more at this time but he blessed us to have a few hours with him. I already miss holding his little hands and seeing his cute profile. He looked just like Hudson. The hospital staff was amazing and took such good care of us and him. They gave us so many mementos to remember him by. I don't think I can ever express my gratitude enough to them.
The spirit in the room was amazing and so peaceful considering the circumstances. Trent and I were able to spend some time alone with him, as well as the kids and some of the family. We were able to hug him, kiss him, and be together as a family. The veil was so thin that night and for being one of the most saddest days of my life I have to say it was also the most spiritual. We are so blessed to be his parents and were so blessed with a perfect baby.
Hudson didn't really know what to think, but he kept asking about him so we just took it slow. He did hold him and loved him. Ruby was amazed. She just kept calling him her baby brother and holding him and starring and saying over and over, "I wanna hold him." One of our good friends that was also a nurse gave my kids a little white bear angel and a blanket that the baby also got, so that the kids can feel him at all times. My kids to this day sleep with those bears, they call them, Harry. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and hope I never have to do again. I know that he is watching over us right now and is at peace. I am grateful for my eternal family. I also know that we will be with him again some day.
My heart is aching for my baby and family. This has been a huge struggle but I have seen how much closer we have all grown. All the Dr's and nurses kept saying that we must have had some strong prayers behind us because everything turned out ok and our baby was perfect for his short time on earth. I love him and miss him but am grateful for my Heavenly Fathers Plan that he has set up for me and everyone. I know that my Heavenly Father had a different plan for Harrison and that he has work to do in Heaven. I know he is perfect and was able to receive a body and go straight to our Heavenly Fathers arms. I miss him and always will but I am grateful he was able to come down for a short while and touch our family. I know that that Families really are forever.
To my baby boy: Harrison I love and miss you deeply. I am so grateful that I was able to spend almost 21 weeks with you and hold you for a few hours. I was able to feel you move and hold you. I am so grateful that you did not suffer. I love your little hands, your long toes, and your amazingly perfect profile. I love that you looked just like your older brother. You were perfect in every way and yet for some reason were not able to stay with us. Know we love and miss you but that we will be together again someday. Please watch over us and keep us together and safe so that we can all meet again. I love you and will always remember you. Just know mommy and daddy love and miss you as well as your older brother and sister. We know you are with us. And we also know that Heavenly Father needed you so much more right now. We know heaven is the perfect place to be. We love you Harrison.