Saturday, June 12, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The months leading up to his birth were full of joy, worrying, and more. I had been contracting on and off for a few days and was dialated to a 2 so my Dr decided we had waited long enough for our baby so he told us to head on over to L&D and he'd get us going. We were over joyed, but walking into the L&D room was a bit overwhelming, our last experience on that floor at the hospital was not a pleasant one. After a few minutes of crying and feeling overwhelmed, I was calmed by a blessing from my father and husband and was ready and knew that our little baby was going to be born and be ok. The labor was fairly painless and fast thanks to the epidural. And after only a few pushes our sweet baby Finn was born. That first cry was amazing and something I had been waiting for for quite sometime. Those first few minutes of him laying on my chest and connecting with him was unbelievable. He truly is a little miracle as all babies are. We love him so much, he is healthy and beautiful. I couldn't help but think of the sad and happy farewell Harrison and Griffin were having in heaven. I am so glad Griffin had his brother with him for awhile. I can only imagine what good brothers and friends they were. And it made me happy and sad in a way. But I know Harrison was so happy for Griffin to be with us. I know he loves us and knows we love him. There was an amazing spirit in the room when he was born. I know Harry was with us welcoming his little brother. We are so grateful to have him here with us and he is a lucky little baby to have Harry in heaven being a protector over him. I am such a blessed mother, I have an amazing family and I am so in love with my little guy. I am so grateful Heavenly Father let me be a mother again, it truly is amazing!
To see more pictures of his first moments visit our family blog here.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
For instance, The Duggars, yes I watch it, admit it, you do to. For those of you who may not know who I am talking about, they are a family of 19 kids, yes 19! CRAZY is all I can say. But hey they all seem to be great kids and she homeschools all of them so more power to them. However, I have to admit, I've had thoughts and maybe out loud as to how amazing it is that some people can't have one, some people have children with disabilities, and others have horrible pregnancies that end in loses. And they have18 kids and pregnancies and she had not had any problems, until baby 19 came. I felt horrible for thinking what I did. The mother had gallstones and preclampsia so bad that at 25 weeks they had to deliver her baby. It was the saddest and hardest thing to watch. The baby is alive and having its ups and downs but so far so good. I just blawed the whole episode, litteraly an ugly, couldn't breath kind of cry. It was too much to handle. First off, baby Josie didn't weigh much more than Harrison. She actually looked like him. It was hard to watch because of that but also because I am 26 weeks right now and so to think that if I had my baby at this point it still wouldn't guarantee that everything would go ok. I cried and cried, because I just thought about how much I wanted to make it to 24 weeks so badly. The whole time I was in the hospital thats all I kept hearing, just a few more weeks. Yet I remember moments where I would tell Trent, I can't take it anymore. I was in so much pain and so sick I just couldn't imagine hanging in there for 3 more weeks, yet I would've done it. I think Trent thought I was having a nervous break down and frankly I think I was. I thought about how if my body would have been able to hold for a few more weeks what my life would've been like. My heart ached for them. Not knowing the outcome of their sweet baby girl. I knew that was what I wouldn't have wanted for Harry to see him suffer yet part of me was upset that I didn't get that chance.
I feel like with every milestone I've passed in this pregnancy my chances of having this baby boy in my arms is getting closer and closer. I passed 13 weeks, the point where most pregnancies are successful after that. Then I passed 21 weeks, the point where I had Harrison. I then passed 24 weeks the point where babies are viable to live. Some live earlier but their chances of survival or having major problems is like 90%. And now that I am 26 weeks I feel like I've passed all the major hurdles. Things are going well and i feel great, can't complain (although I do). But still, if I were to have this baby tomorrow, there is nothing saying that he would survive or be ok. So really, I feel like at this point I still can't breath until he is here and in my arms. I am just trying to make it to May and then he can come anytime. I have reassurance that I've had 2 previous pregnancies that went off without any complications but when you've had one loss it doesn't matter that hope you have dwindles a bit.
Then I was watching Private Practice the other night, again a bad idea. And a couple delivered a baby at I think about 24 weeks. The baby was very sick and they tried a few surgeries but basically there was nothing they could do. So the parents decided to take the baby off life support so they could finally hold him and be with him. I ended up actually fast forwarding(thank heavens for DVR) so that I didn't have to watch.
I guess what I've realized is that it happens, to so many women. It breaks my heart to think that others have to endure what I did.
I recently had a friend who has had some problems lately with her health get pregnant. I know they were so excited because they had been trying for a few months and her little girl will be 4 in August, so she was ready to have another child. There were some problems from the beginning, not knowing if there was a baby at all or how far along she really was. So she went every few days to get her hormone levels checked. There were days where they were going down but then she had a few days where things seemed to be showing that they were going up. Well this week she found out that there was a sac but no baby and she was almost 10 weeks along, it is called a blighted ovum. A loss is a loss. I know people who have never been through any kind of loss or misscarriage probably think, so what there was never a baby. But they don't get it. There was hope that there was, her body was telling her she was pregnant, when in reality no baby formed. My heart breaks for her because that hope of a new life forming and a sweet spirit coming to earth was gone. I hope the best for her in the future that she can get pregnant again soon and have another child.
I have another good friend who has had 2 losses both around 16 weeks. I know she's struggled with infertility and then keeping her pregnancies. Its so hard to think that people can go through so many losses, why? We don't know. There is not much that can be done at this point in helping them conceive on their own so they are in the process of adopting. I pray daily and cry for her that it will goes well, that a birth mother will pick them, they are amazing and they deserve to be parents.
A loss is a loss, I know to some degree they all do vary. I did feel Harrison move, see all the US's when he was alive, go through labor for 3 days with him, they just let it take its time because I was so sick. Its no fun holding your baby who is not alive yet I am grateful I had the chance to be with him and hold his precious little, perfect body. Its also hard that I had to bury him. Its surreal going to your childs grave, and celebrating what would've been his birthday. But I am grateful for every milestone I had with him. He is my son and I love him. I know people who have lost babies after a few months or children and I can't imagine the grief they must go through having memories of them crying, smiling, talking. Its never easy to lose a child at any stage. A parent should never have to bury at child.
Life is hard. We don't know why things happen like they do but I do know that with a little faith and hope that there is a light and that our Heavenly Father does love us and want the best for us, it may not be what we want but he knows what we need. And for those of you out there that have never lost a baby, just remember a loss is a loss no matter how small.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Many of you mothers out there that have lost a baby are away what a rainbow baby is. It is a baby conceived after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. "Rainbow babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of a storm. When a rainbow appears it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that a family is not still dealing with its loss. What it does mean is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides the balance of color, energy, light, and hope.
We are so thrilled for this new life and hope that Heavenly Father has blessed us with. I am a bit scared, nervous, overwhelmed, but I am really excited. The day after I found out I got Harrison's box out. I hadn't looked at it for awhile and I wanted to look at all my Us's I had, his feet and hand molds, his pictures, and the few items I have to remember him by. I broke down, it was overwhelming and hard to see that sweet baby. But I think I am doing ok. I do feel guilty sometimes about having another baby, but I've heard that's pretty normal when you've lost a child and bring another one into this world. But I want you to know I am very happy and just hope everything goes smoothly and quickly. June can't come soon enough. It will probably be a May baby though because I usually go 1-2 weeks early. I have been assured by my Dr that everything will be fine. I have no blood clots, bleeding, and the baby is doing well. What happened to my body with Harry was so rare. I was the 1% of patients with Subchorionic Hemmatoma's that end like mine. I do have a rather large cyst on my left ovary but he said its pretty common in pregnancy and it should go away on its own. But he said he'd keep a close eye on it and me and he'd see me whenever I wanted to. I am actually doing well. I was worried I would get sick on my trip but I was ok. I got a horrible cold while we were there but was not affected to much by the pregnancy. I can't complain really. We are so blessed to have another life brought into our home. The kids are excited but a bit confused. I think until I have a belly they will not fully understand. The other day when I came home from my appointment Hudson said, "did the Dr take the baby out?" I started to cry. I think he is scared too. Seeing as he is older, he does remember all that happened with Harrison and knows he's not here but has a hard time with why he is not here and why this baby will get to stay with us. We did hesitate telling them or anyone for that matter for awhile, but I have a hard time keeping a secret and since everything is ok, then I think its better to all the support and prayers we can get.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The kids were begging for breakfast but I didn't want to get out of bed, all I could think about was what happened 1 year ago. How much my life changed in one day. I remember so vividly that day and the days that lead up to it, those days while I was in the hospital are a bit blurry because I was not all there. I do remember a few days before I had Harrison, the night when things went terribly wrong. I started to hemorrhage and then a code was called and there was a team of nurses and Doctors working on me. And in the midst of it all when I was out for a moment, I remember peace. I remember thinking, this isn't scary, I feel so happy and peaceful. There was no commotion. Then I woke up and saw everyone around me. There was commotion, there was panic, there were tears and fear in Trents and my moms eyes. Then I realized it was not good. I tried to cling to that few seconds when I was out and felt peace, but for the next 4 days there was little peace. I was in labor the whole time but it was slow. I was so sick they were just letting it take its course. I remember telling Trent, what happened to me, how while I was out, I felt peaceful, I believe that was Heavenly Fathers way of comforting me and saying to me, you can do this, I am with you and I love you. The physical and emotional pain over those days was awful, but that few seconds when I felt that peace and whenever I received blessings through it all I felt the presence of our Heavenly Father. All I can say is my prayers were not answered in the way I wanted them to because otherwise my baby would be here today, but I do know that I was saved, I am alive today. I was able to see and hold my baby and I am able to be here for my kids, husband and family. We are also so blessed that we are able to have more children and that I am pregnant again now.
As scary as the situation was, when he was born there was peace. The veil was thin and I know that even though Harrison was not alive, he was in the room along with other angels and Heavenly Father. I will never be able to explain that feeling but all I can say is I Cherish those moments so much. I am grateful we were able to give him a name and a blessing and that when the blessing was given that Lane, (trents dad) thanked Harrison for letting me live. He also asked that Harrison would be an angel for our family. That we'd always remember him and that he'd watch over us and keep us together so we could all be together again.
I love him so much. Its hard to explain how much I really love him. Today is a hard day but I am getting through it. I have prayed for peace today and I feel it, although its been very emotional. Trent teaches late on Wednesday nights so we decided to celebrate his birthday on Monday for family home evening. So all our family came out and meet at his grave, we said a few words, and then did a balloon realise. Then we had everyone sign a pumpkin for him since he is our Halloween baby. It was such a neat experience. To see all those balloons go up.
I just wanted to say Thank You for all your love an support over the past year. For listening to me complain and for letting me talk about Harrison on our blog. He is my son and always will be. I love him dearly and know he is apart of our family and is watching over us daily. I like to think that today is he hugging me and that he is with me. I am grateful to have Hudson and Ruby in my life, I think I have given them way to many hugs and kisses today and told them I loved them a lot. I think you should all do the same.
After we let the balloons go Hudson started crying and couldn't stop. Its so heartbreaking to see your kids upset. He really loves his baby brother and misses him. He kept asking why Harrison wasn't there for his party. I am glad my kids have been apart of Harrison's life from the beginning and were able to hold him and love him. However I think it gave them a strong connection to him and its been hard for them to cope with the loss, at least Hudson.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I never really thought I'd get to this place, a place where I don't cry everyday, am not depressed or sad. However I do still miss him, and lately I can't get him out of my mind. Trent and I are in the final stage, finally, of getting his headstone in. I really wanted it in by his birthday but I don't know if that will happen. I know he's occupying my thoughts right now because 3 weeks from today, October 28th is his birthday. I am trying not to think about the 3 weeks that lead to his birth, the downhill cycle I took in my health that lead to such a horrible experience and his early birth. I am trying to focus on those 21 weeks I had to spend with him. Today Trent said to me, that he was talking with someone at his office about the past year and he said it hit him that what has happened has really effected him not only at home but at work. He's been affected too and I hate to see him sad, but just like me he's doing well, most of the time.
Trent and I are trying to think of ways to celebrate but don't really know what to do. He is my son and even though he is no longer with us I feel it is important to celebrate. I am thinking of a balloon release by his grave, but if you have any other suggestions I would love them. Thanks for all your love and support.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The US above was of my little Harrison at 11 wks and 3 days. I have tons of US pictures in my almost 21 weeks of him in my womb. I went every other week sometimes every week to see the progress of the clots. As you can see, Harrison is in the middle and at the top are two large black masses almost looking like 2 sacs. That was my chorion and each time it was bigger, you can see in this US it was bigger than he was.
Years ago, when a woman presented with early trimester bleeding, doctors assumed it was an impending miscarriage. They had no other information to go on, but now with new technology and US's they have a better idea as to what is going on. That's what I thought was happening. I was over 9 weeks and bleeding heavily, heavily. I was horrified. So when I went in and they found a heartbeat and that everything was fine I was shocked.
A Subchorionic Hematoma is a gathering of blood between the membranes of the placenta and the uterus. A more technical name is the chorion. Some doctors will also just refer to it as a blood clot.
Causes of Subchorionic Hematoma
There is no known cause for a SCH but many researchers speculate that during egg implantation, the egg slightly separates or tears from the uterus causing a bleed. There is nothing a woman did or could have done to cause or prevent them. SCH occurs to pregnant women of all ages and races.
Of course I go over and over again in my head all I did around the time I got pregnant. I know I didn't do anything but its hard not to blame yourself or wonder what you could've done different. I went to Lagoon, a big amusement, roller coaster park we figure when I was about 5 weeks pregnant. I didn't know I was pregnant but of course now that I look back on it I did ride almost all the scary rides, you know the ones that say, don't ride if pregnant. My Dr assured me that did not cause this, but of course I can't help but blame myself.
Diagnosing Subchorionic Hematoma
Diagnosing a SCH is based on its symptoms and visualization via ultrasound scan. Many women visit the doctor or emergency department with the chief complaint of vaginal bleeding during early pregnancy. An ultrasound, either transvaginal or abdominal, would more than likely be carried out. During the ultrasound scan, the doctor or radiologist will locate the fetus and assess it’s current condition. Identifying a SCH by an untrained eye is difficult. The clot appears as a black mass within the uterus. It almost appears as if another placenta is present. Ordinary ultrasound images appear blackish with visuals of bone. After a visual of the blood clot is made, and it appears a woman is not having a miscarriage, the diagnosis of SCH is made.
Having a diagnosis of SCH instead of a miscarriage is probably a relief but having SCH comes with it’s own concerns.
I remember feeling relief when the Dr told me I had a Chorin. I was so glad that I wasn't miscarrying. I was told that in most cases the clot will go away on its own and I should be fine. But to take it easy.
Treatment of Subchorionic Hematoma
There is no formal treatment for this blood clot but each doctor is different. Some suggest that you can continue with your everyday activities while others may suggest taking it easy. Some physicians even suggest refraining from sexual intercourse throughout pregnancy and bed rest. Surgery is not an option. Straining and heavy lifting should be avoided- as such for a normal pregnancy.
Some doctors prefer a ‘wait and see’ approach while others choose to use medications. Blood thinners such as: aspirin, Lovenox (inj), Coumadin and Heparin (inj) are used in attempts to ‘bleed’ the clot out. Estrogen and Progesterone therapy is also sometimes used to aid in the development of the pregnancy.
I was never put on blood thinners and I doubt they would've down anything because every time I bleed really bad and passed clots I would go to the Dr and be so excited to hopefully see on the US that the clot was gone, but every time the Dr did it, he would say, it was bigger. I was on major restrictions from day one and eventually put on bedrest.
The current statistics for pregnancy loss with a SCH is 1-3%. This low percentage is related to large clots. Most pregnancies progress with no further complications. Most clots resolve on their own by 20 weeks of pregnancy. The clot either bleeds itself out or the body absorbs it. Isn't that sad, most resolve by 20 weeks, i had Harrison at 20 weeks 4 days.
Because by the time I got into my 3rd trimester my clot was not gone but bigger, I was placed on bedrest and told to take it easy. I was told that they were going to try and get me to 24 weeks for the chance of my babies survival to double. I was told I was at high risk for pre-term labor and I would most likely not make it to 30 weeks.
Women with SCH are at greater risk for placental abruption or abruptio placenta. Placental abruption is when the placenta tears away from the uterus. This is an extreme pregnancy complication that requires immediate medical attention. If the placenta separates from the uterine wall, the health of the fetus is in danger.
Due to the Chorion I was hospitalized due to blood loss and to keep a close eye on me and Harrison. I was told I would be there till I delivered and that they were going to do all they could to get me to 24 weeks. Well 3 days in the hospital and on full bedrest, I had not bleed the whole time I was there, then one day I had a subchorionic Hemorrhage that led to pre-term labor and a placental abruption, the clot got too big and made it almost impossible for the placenta to hold it and the baby. There was no way of ever knowing it would end the way it did. I always had total faith in my Dr and had my hopes up the whole time, I never thought in a million trillion years it would end the way it did. Even when I look back on it, there was never a day, even when I was hospitalized that I would lose Harrison or even come close loosing my life. When I lost Harrison my Dr had never had a SCH case end like mine. Even most of the nurses in my labor and delivery area that were taking care of me never thought it would end like it did, we were all shocked to say the least. There really was no way of knowing and now when reading up on this I realize he was right. That is why if I do get pregnant again the chances of that happening again are well, 0-none. I was the 1%.
SCH is a risk early in pregnancy because the clot itself can cause a miscarriage. The clot can release completely from the uterus and cause the fetus and placenta to miscarry. This was a worry at first but because the baby was always bigger than normal and had a heart beat they were pretty sure I wouldn't miscarry.
Women with SCH may experience intermittent periods of vaginal bleeding throughout their pregnancy. This experience would more than likely be a result of the clot ‘bleeding out.’ Blood is an irritant to the uterus and cramping may be accompanied with the bleeding. While seeing blood while pregnant can be very scary-it is very common with SCH.
I know this is a sad thing to write about but seeing as its almost Harry's 11 month I have been thinking a lot about him and about a new baby and what my future will hold. I have been terrified to get pregnant again and I know when I do it will be scary I am sure of that especially if I see one drop of blood but researching this has given me some hope, some insight into how rare my situation really was and I am hopeful. I cry as I write this that it really was so rare and why did it have to happen to me but I know it was for a reason. I love my baby and miss him. I opened his box today to get out the US pictures and just bawled seeing him and those clots inside. It was so sad that it happened. I have no pregnancy pictures of him in me other than the US and they are so precious to me.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
In March we had family pictures taken with Trent's family, we just got them back last week. Yeah took a long time huh.
I was really sad at the time. Harrison's due date was coming up and I was just having a really hard time with it. I was especially sad that all his siblings were going to be taking pictures with all their children and one of mine was missing. I was also sad because most people do not know that I have three children, they just see what they see. So I had the picture of Harrison's feet blown up and framed so that we could have at least one Complete family photo. This picture makes me cry but in a good way. It makes me happy. I know someday there will be more children added but for now, this is my whole family.
I think it turned out great, however I wish I wasn't wearing those darn glasses.