The last few days I've been sad again. Not bad, but just thinking a lot and had some different experiences recently. Part of it could be that last Tuesday was Harrison's 9 month mark. It seems like yesterday I was stressing over his pregnancy wondering how things would turn out, not realizing it wouldn't be the way I wanted. It was this time last year that I kept thinking I was pregnant, but I was on the pill and thought I had a period. So I didn't find out I was pregnant till I was about 9 weeks along. I started having symptoms, waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I remember one night telling Trent, "ok, I'm not going to drink anything after 7:00 and watch, I'll get up in the middle of the night and have to go and still have to go when I wake up. " And low and behold I did. Plus my boobs hurt. So I took a test and crazy enough it was positive. We were shocked, not ready, and I had been taking the pill although I had missed a week but still really? The period I thought I had, was not a period at all but the beginning of a horrible pregnancy. I've just been recalling a lot of what happened throughout those 5 months and remembering things I had forgotten and thinking, oh if that wouldn't have happened, or if I would've done this or that. I know I can't do that, but sometimes when I remember certain things I wonder, "would I have been ok and Harry been ok if that wouldn't have happened?" But then I stop myself. I know he is where he is supposed to be, although I still miss him.
Anyways, so I've been around a lot of babies lately, all boys and one was the same age Harrison would've been if he was born around his due date. I couldn't help but just stare at him and take in everything about him. His smile, what he was doing at that age, and just how cute he was. It was as if I was looking into Harry for a moment. He didn't seem to mind that I was staring, he smiled and cooed at me. His mom was so sweet to ask how I was doing and if it was hard to see her baby, knowing they would've been the same age. We just talked and it was nice to talk. He melted my heart. I wasn't really sad it just made me realize what I would've had.
Anyways, so lately as time has gone on and its almost been a year, I've noticed that his name or things about him do not come up. Sometimes it makes me sad. I know that I am partly to blame. I feel that for the most part, and on most days I am in a good place, so I don't think or talk about him so when his name does come up I light up. I love when people ask me about him or how I'm doing. But I've had a few comments lately that I just want to reach out and slap the person.
The first comment-It was that time of the month, you know, PMS, I was so awnry, had a horrible headache and my kids were just being extra crazy, probably just being normal kids but because of my situation I was extra awnry. I had taken 3 kinds of different meds over the course of the day that didn't take the headache away so you can see why I didn't feel good or thought my kids were being crazy, and we were at a party. I remember getting mad a few times at the kids and as I walked away one time a lady said, "Aren't you glad you only have two? Wow can you imagine if your other one was here? Hopefully its a long time before another one comes, just know that's how kids are. So you have to deal with it better." SERIOUSLY? Did she just say that to me? She's a mom, and was to little kids at once, doesn't see remember that as much as you love them sometimes they drive you crazy and especially when they don't mind and you don't feel well? I did like yell or anything, we were at a public party but I was losing patience, I just put them in timeout that was it. I know there are days when I think, wow could I have handled two? But that's for me to say and yes of course I could've handled three kids, I would kill to have Harrison here right now. I just walked away and wanted to cry. I was so hormonal and in pain and on a normal day my kids probably wouldn't have bothered me, but lady don't criticize me. And think before you talk.
Then, I was at the store the other day and an old acquaintance came up to me and commented on how good I looked. Of course who doesn't want to hear that. And she asked how I was doing after everything. I thought, wow that is so nice of her to ask. I should've waited thinking that because then she said, "Aren't those third babies so hard? Wow the labor and everything after. I am still trying to recuperate, pushing that baby out and then all the sleepless nights." (she just had her 3rd baby about the same time I had Harry. But remember I was only 21 weeks and he didn't live.) "Staying up all night and then having to deal with two other kids. Its so hard, oh yeah, but your baby. "(she kept saying, oh yeah but your baby.) Like oh yeah your baby didn't live but still isn't it hard? Then she went onto to say, "Oh and then seeing them grow so fast its so crazy, oh yeah but your baby. " Seriously it went on and on. She kept saying stuff like, how hard the labor was, and how hard it was to recuperate after and taking care of three kids, and I was thinking, do you know? Do you know my baby didn't live? Do you know that I almost died? I was like what? My baby what? Oh yeah my baby died? Seriously. No tact some people. She said some worse thing but I can't recall all of it, other than the fact that it was really rude. Its good I'm not easily offended but come on, don't compare me to you please. I do have a third child but mine is nothing like yours.
Anyways, just wanted to get that out. I hadn't posted in awhile, busy, and feeling good, but the last week has been hard. Trent and I went to the temple a few days ago, I hate to admit it, but I hadn't done a session since before I was pregnant with Harry. I was unable to go when I was pregnant or after for awhile, and then just recovering and moving and life I hadn't gone. But it felt so good to go. I cried through almost all of the session. Then in the celestial room I was bawling, I'm sure people were wondering what happened, because it wasn't a, "oh its so spiritual" kind of cry. I just missed him and could feel how special it was there and knew that I would be with him again someday. I desperately want another baby, I am ready I think, I think about it all the time and thought I was pregnant awhile back and when I wasn't I was really sad. We are still trying to get rid of all those medical bills and hopefully save a bit but I just don't want to wait, so we'll see what happens.
Anyways, a random post but things are good.
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Those dumb comments kill me! I had a lady, two weeks after Macie died (who didn't know what had happened) say to me, "You have two? Just stop right now! It goes downhill after that." I had another lady tell me that at least Macie and I didn't get to bond too much because that would have been so much harder. Insensitive, if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteI'm also starting to feel ready to have another one but it terrifies me at the same time.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
In the past month, my DH and I have both gotten insensitive comments much like the ones spoken to you. I am so terribly sorry that these things were said to you.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about TTC again, know that I wish you nothing but peace during this time. *hugs my dear friend*
I received some very good advice (that I initially ignored) after our stillbirth. Don't be overly consumed by what others say. I remember people thinking well who would say something rude to me after this? Boy was I wrong. I was told by my husband's sister in law that I have 'evil powers' -she's Indian. My sister told me she understood what I was going because she wanted just one baby and had twins.
ReplyDeleteAgain, probably neither meant to cut me as hard as they did, but no one knows what you have suffered. Your story ought to be in a book. You are so sweet to share this with so many. Thank you. Thank heavens we have our angel babies watching over us.