An amazing Father and Husband

As many of you know that last post was from my hubby. I love him so much and feel bad for fathers out there who have lost children. Especially in the way we did and many others out there. I think many feel that because the mother was the one who was carrying the child that it doesn't' affect the father as much. Well, I am here to say otherwise. It makes me sad when people only ask me how I am doing, they don't even think to ask him. I think they assume dads are fine and get over it. But they don't. He's hurting just as much as I am. I've had to sit and watch, and sometimes be the strong one for my husband. We tend to take turns crying. Sometimes he'll come to me on a bad day, and I can be strong for him and not cry and just sit and love him and hold him and listen. Other times its him for me and sometimes we're both a mess. He told me about a month ago that he's cried himself to sleep many nights. I have as well, but I guess I didn't realize that he would be too. I know he had to "move on" faster than I did. And I mean move on I don't mean, like, its over, forget it now. I just mean, I was terribly sick for weeks after Harry and he had to jump back in his role as a father and more plus work. I had a lot of recovering to do from being so sick and all the medications and blood transfusions and also labor. It took a tole on my body. I was also on bed rest for a few weeks prior to having Harrison so Trent had to be both mother and father to our children as I was unable to do anything. But not once did I hear him complain. He still went to work, running his own company, coming home to take care of the kids, cook, clean, and well, do everything.
I think its been just as hard on him. I know he loves his son and misses him daily. He wishes he were here. My sister had a baby in August and he looks like our oldest Hudson. For the longest time after Harrison was born Trent couldn't hold Boen, my sisters baby. He would hold him and whale up with tears and hand him back. It was too hard in his eyes to see what Harry might have looked like.
Trent was just as scared as I was from the beginning. On nights throughout my whole pregnancy when I would wake up covered in blood wondering if I had miscarried he would help me to the bathroom and take care of me. Always being my rock, reassuring me that everything was ok. He took such good care of me and watched me suffer and worry. Taking me to the Dr almost weekly and both of us sitting there thinking the pregnancy was over and every time them telling us, well, that baby is fine, he's measuring ahead of schedule, this blood clot and loss of blood is not affecting him one bit. Trent told me later that daily he waited to hear from me and dreaded the phone calls when I'd say, well, I'm bleeding bad again. I was getting weaker and weaker and it was hard for him to see that.
I love him more than words can say. He helped me through this and watched as he almost lost his wife and son. I had more blessings in the 5 months I was pregnant that probably I had had in my entire life. I am so grateful for my husband and his faith and priesthood. I know even though it was scary time and one I don't like to recall, I do love remembering how at peace I would feel when I received a blessing, even if it was just for a short while.

I know he is grateful everyday as I am that I lived and am ok. But we are both still sad at the loss of our son. I can't help but blame myself and feel guilt that I, the mother who was giving him life, that my body gave up on him, there was nothing wrong with him. It was me. But Trent tells me that I am supposed to be here that Heavenly Father spared my life so that I could be here to take care of the children I did have and take care of him.

I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for my husband. For the love he shows to me. He loves me through it all. And when I have a bad day and am sad or don't want to talk, he still loves me and understands. He loves his children more than anything. And he's always said that he didn't realize how much he could love someone so much he didn't even know.

It makes me think about our Heavenly Father and how much he loved his son that he sent him to earth to die for us. Knowing he would suffer for all. I have a much stronger understanding of our Saviors atonement. I know he died for me, for my pain and suffering. I know that I can and will endue to the end so that I can be with him and my son again.

I wanted to share what Trent, my husband wrote shortly after we had Harrison on our family blog here. Below are his words of what happened that day and also a song he wrote for Harrison. He is amazing, he's written me and all our children a song. And I am so grateful that he wrote one for/to Harrison. He wrote me one and that's how he asked me to marry him. Harrison's song is below. Also to read more of my pregnancy and our family you can check out our family blog here if you want the whole story of my pregnancy.

This is from Trent:
This is my first post ever. April does such an outstanding job that I think its better that she posts. However, at this time I wanted to express a few of my perspectives on the events of the past couple weeks so they can also be recorded here for remembrance.

I often find it interesting how some memories can become so fuzzy with time while others seem to be eternally vivid. As I expressed at the graveside, there are some moments etched into my memory, and which have and likely will continue to impact me in ways difficult to explain. One is the feeling of gratitude for how much love and care I felt were given by the nurses and other staff at the Hospital. I was there watching and waiting and my gratitude grew more full throughout the week. Sometimes in the moment I had great optimism and faith, then after the fact I realized how dangerous the situation truly was. As I ponder this my gratitude swells. Through this roller coaster of hope and fear, it was trust in the Lord that helped us through.On the night of Sunday, Oct. 26th we had been there for a few days while they monitored April and Harrison. Sometime after 10:00 p.m. April asked me to help her up to go to the bathroom and she began to bleed heavily. I called the nurses in right away. They came in and I don't remember exactly what they said, but they called in the whole team. What I do remember clearly is her passing out, me grabbing under her arms and lifting her with the nurses over to the bed while they worked to revive her. I stood to the side of her bed next to her head and pleaded with our Heavenly Father to bring her back. Time stood still as she came to and opened her eyes. She was so confused for a few seconds as she started to put the pieces together in her mind. She started to cry and ask if she lost the baby. She just looked at me and kept asking while I assured her that things are under control and the baby was ok. I will never forget the indescribable range of emotions of those few minutes.When we were faced with the possibility of choosing who should live, this was possibly the most heart wrenching time of all. To believe its possible for the baby to make it a couple more weeks and hope that this is the case, but at the same time to have a mother and wife be severely at risk and seeing the situation worsen, is not something I would want for anyone. During this period April and I had some time alone. I sat by her bedside and we talked and cried together. When Harrison was born it was just April and then a few nurses or two. From that point on, although there was sadness, the rest of the night there was such a feeling of peace. It was a time where the veil between heaven and earth seemed to grow thin. We were at our most humble and prayerful. We were able to hold him and see his beautiful face, be in awe at the perfectness of his little hands and feet, and spend a brief period with him as a family.The next night I decided to go home to take a shower and sleep since I hadn't slept much in 4 days. I got home around 11:30 p.m. and found myself sitting on the bed in our quiet home retracing the events of the last few days and letting it all sink in. I pulled out my notepad where I write lyrics from time to time and jotted down my thoughts. It all just came to me and I was done in about 20 minutes. I'll end my post with the words I wrote:

Harry's Song

Although I grieve,and wipe the tears with my sleeve,

you've changed our lives forever,in just a few short weeks.

My son the one, that I didn't get to know,

yet I feel so much love,between us flow.

We caught a glimpse,of a spirit so strong,

as you fought and triumphed,for so very long.

Now I have the feeling,that we knew you before,

and when the time comes,we'll see you once more.

So this life will be,but a brief delay,

while we gain the assurance,to reunite some day.

Even though I may grieve,and wipe the tears with my sleeve,

you've changed our lives forever,and brought our family closer together.

We love you, Dad