Hard times call for Prayer

I thought this was supposed to get easier? I felt after the couple months of Harrison being gone that I was doing ok. I had good days and bad days but for the most part they were getting better. I know I was quite busy so that helped, moving, holidays, and parties. I honestly don't think I had a day where I just sat. But now it seems as though the holidays and parties are over, we are settled into our home and there is nothing to look forward too. The next significant date is my due date, March 15th, 2 weeks from today. And I don't look forward to it at all.
That's the date that most women can't wait for. Counting down the days until their little boy or girl will finally be born. I know most women don't deliver on their due dates, I never have. Hudson came 10 days early on his own and Ruby was induced 1 week early because I wasn't about to have her be born on Christmas, 4 days before was close enough. And well, as you know my little Harry was 4 months early. But still your due date is a the most important date to a pregnant women. You count down they days, everyone asks you when you are due. Here in the blog world there are little tickers everywhere that remind you how far you are and how long you have to go. I had one for Harrison and I remember being so grateful everyday I saw the number go up, I was getting closer and closer. But then it all happened. It was 4 months yesterday that he's been gone. Four of the most painful months of my life.
Trent and I had a hard night the other night. It was one of those nights where you just cry all night and basically don't sleep. I felt awful because I made Trent upset, I started talking about how upset I had been lately, how the past few weeks have been really hard. I was crying and just so confused. I kept saying I missed Harrison so much, more than I ever thought I would. I kept saying how I had so many regrets. I regret not having one picture of my belly or any pregnant picture with him. I regret that I was so sick that I didn't hold him long enough after he was born. I regret not kissing him more or squeezing him. I was talking with my other angel friend Tif and how I regret being scared to hold him because I was afraid I would hurt him. I regret not examining every part of him, taking his clothes off, its funny but I regret not taking a peak at his cute bum under his diaper. Trent kept telling me that I can't think that way. I held him and for hours. I can't regret it because I was so sick and was lucky to be alive and have those moments with him. I know that but it doesn't make it easier. I miss him so much and wish I could go back. I said, do you think I am ok? Is it normal to be feeling this way after 4 months? Why does it seem to be getting harder? We talked and cried all night. As much as I don't like those moments I also Cherish them. They are moments when I grow closer to my husband and I feel I grow closer to Harrison. We talk about him, remember him and wonder what he would be like. During our "cry session" as I like to call it, I looked at the wall where I have our family pictures on it and just cried. I have 2 pictures frames on this one wall, one has 3 pictures of Ruby sitting in different posses at 5 months old, the first time she'd sat up. I also have one of Hudson that is exactly the same, he's 5 months and it was also his first time sitting. I cried thinking I'd never have one of Harrison like that. Its just one of those earthly possessions that I Cherish so much and wish I would have of him.
I hate that as time goes on I feel as though Harrison is being forgotten as though everyone around me is moving on and I can't. I am stuck. I am stuck in a place I don't want to be. I want to talk about him every minute of everyday but yet I feel I can't because I feel as though there isn't much to say and that no one else cares as much as I do. I think about him everyday and almost everything makes me think of him. I am finding it harder to look at my friends and family members who are pregnant. I have some friends and family members who were due right around the time I was. Its hard to see them or think that they are getting a nursery ready, shopping for last minute things, and getting excited for the arrival of their baby. Its hard to look at pregnant women, especially friends and hear them talk about their growing belly, the baby kicking, its all too overwhelming. I really just want to skip that day, its day I didn't think would ever come and now that its almost here I am dreading it. I don't know how I'm going to react and what I'm going to do. I want it to be a special day though. I day that I can celebrate Harrison, but how can I?
One thing positive through all of this is that I Cherish my living children so much. I always did but I look at them in a different way. I feel that I have become more patient, more attentive, and more loving. I am not the most patient mother but I find myself in times when I want to yell or lose my temper that I stop myself. I find my mind filling with the thought that I can't yell at them, Harrison's not here, he's watching, and he doesn't get to be here with us, so its not fair to my children who are here to be mean. Heavenly Father has blessed me with these two beautiful, perfect children, and I need to take care of them and love them. I am grateful for my family and for my children I have. I know this is a trial that I need to go through for some reason and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that he understands the pain and conflict that I am going through. I also know that we are not given trials at which we can not handle. But it feels as though this one has a stronger hold on me.
Elder Robert E. Wells said, “Sometimes we go many years with no problems, and then they seem to come all at once and the burdens seem to be more than we can bear. But through it all, we have two main strengths to rely on, We knew before we came that it would be like this, yet we wanted to come because the blessings of remaining faithful to the end would earn us eternal exaltation. Second we will never be tempted beyond our ability to resist." I wonder sometimes did I know when coming to this earth that I would not be able to raise one of my children here on earth? All I know is that I choose to come and I understood what was at stake.
Trent and I spoke in church a few weeks ago, as the new couple in the ward. We were able to choose our own topics and I choose trials and tribulations. I knew it would be hard subject but I felt it important to tell our story and for me to study and gain a stronger testimony about it. I read that when Heavenly Father told Joseph Smith that he would have many hard times, in D&C 122:7: “Know thou my son, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” It enabled the Prophet to endure all and he was promised in D&C 122:9 “Therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.” I think about the trials that our Prophet Joseph Smith went through, the persecutions, the taring and feathering, the loss of many babies, and then dying at such a young age for our church all for our church. We would not have this gospel and Book of Mormon today if it was not for his strength to press on through all this trials and he knew they would be many. I feel as though my trial is nothing compared to his, but I know that this life is a test and one that if I go to my Heavenly Father in pray, with an open heart and humble myself before him that I will not be alone and I know I can get through this even though there are days I feel I can not.
President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Prayer in the hour of need is a great boon. From simple trials to our own Gethsemane's, prayer can put us in touch with God, our greatest source of comfort and counsel.” Also, President Thomas S. Monson also said about prayer, “When the burdens of life become heavy, when trials test ones faith, when pain, sorrow, and despair cause the light of hope to flicker and burn low, communication with our Heavenly Father provides peace.”
I know this month will be hard. I know that I'll struggle many days, I know I'll have many sleepless nights, as I do many nights, thinking, crying, wondering. I know I'll pray hard. I pray hard daily for strength to get up and fight through us. To have patience with my kids, to show to others, to not be selfish. I pray daily that I can serve others because I know I feel good when I do. I pray to fight through this and feel at peace and feel the spirit. There are many days I feel as though my little boy is on my hip as if I were holding him. I pray daily that he knows how much I love him and miss him and that I'm trying so hard to be the best I can be. I want him to be proud of me. If I can remember that I am not alone and that if I go to my Father in Heaven in prayer that I can be comforted and get through this. I think I'll be on my knees a lot.