Full of Peace

It has been a little over 4 months since Harrison was born still. I remember the day so vividly. I remember wondering if he would be born alive, if I would hear a cry. I remember laying on the bed with my husband beside me holding my hand and crying because we knew the outcome would not be one of happiness but one of sadness. One thing I do remember more than anything is the peace the filled the room when Harrison was born. I don't think I could ever describe that night to anyone that was not present. Although Harry had passed away just minutes before being born, I know his spirit was present, along with others. I was filled with such peace. Peace knowing he entered this world with a perfect and that he was too precious for this life.
Little did I know that the peace would soon leave me. It would leave me wondering why? Where was my miracle? I have been longing for the peace I felt that night for 4 months.

Well, yesterday, March 15th was my due date, the day that I was supposed to deliver a healthy, beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately that day came and went and no little baby boy is here. I was unsure how I would handle the day. The weeks leading up to the day were hard. I remember just dreading the day coming, but I have to say I was at peace yesterday, all last week I was filled with peace. It wasn't to say that it wasn't a hard week, I sure missed him more than ever and wanted so much to be having him in my arms, but there was a sense of peace. The peace I have been praying for, for so long has finally come.

It all started last Tuesday when my little family and I were able to attend the LDS Draper Temple Open House. I was so excited to take my other two children with me and go to the place where families are sealed for Time and All Eternity. As we entered the temple I was so over come with emotion. I tried to be strong and not cry so that everyone would not look at me. I felt the peace I had been longing for. Due to the horrible pregnancy, bleeding, bedrest, and then everything Trent and I had not been to the temple since before I was pregnant. I was so longing to go and although this one had not yet been dedicated, it was still a house of the Lord, a place were families are sealed forever. It also was probably one of the most beautiful temples I had ever been in, so amazing. As we walked through all the rooms, I felt as though my Heavenly Father was telling me that Harrison was fine, he was with me that day in the temple, and yes we would be together as a family again because my husband and I were sealed. I know that when we stepped into the Celestial room as a family that we were complete, we were all there together. When we were in the Celestial Room my oldest son Hudson who is almost 5 said, "Mom? Where's Harry? I don't see or feel him? You said he'd be here?" I felt awful because I made the mistake of telling him on the way that we are sealed together as a family and so in the temple we would be together. He took it literly, which of course all kids would. So explained that we are together as a family forever but that Harry was still in Heaven waiting for us but when we are in the temple, we can feel his spirit. I know Harry was with me that day, I know he is proud of our family. I know that he is doing the work that is needed. I feel so blessed to have an angel with me.
We took Harrison some flowers and balloons yesterday for what was supposed to be his birth date. The kids let go of balloons and told Harry they loved him and missed him. I hope that with this day behind us that I can now look forward to my future. A future filled with happiness, peace, and a life full of service and love towards others. I was so grateful for all of the phone calls, flowers, cards, dinner, and love, support and prayers yesterday. I truly feel that the day could've been worse and I am grateful that it was not. We truly did feel all the love and support and are so lucky to have an angel in Heaven. I do filled so blessed daily that I am an Angel Mommy.
I came across a message today that I wanted to share, it was written by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin in the May 2000 Ensign called, “Finding a Safe Harbor,”
Many today feel troubled and distressed; many feel that, at any moment, the ships of their lives could capsize or sink. It is to you who are looking for a safe harbor that I wish to speak today, you whose hearts are breaking, you who are worried or afraid, you who bear grief or the burdens of sin, you who feel no one is listening to your cries, you whose hearts are pleading, “Master, carest thou not that I perish?” To you I offer a few words of comfort and of counsel.
Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.
Jesus comforts us when He said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
Draw close to the Lord Jesus Christ. He bears a special love for those who suffer. He is the Son of God, an eternal king. In His mortal ministry He loved them and blessed them.

Adversity can strengthen and refine us. As with the butterfly, adversity is necessary to build character in people. Even when we are called to sail through troubled waters, we need to know the place of adversity is shaping our divine potential.
If only we would look beyond our present suffering and see our struggles as a temporary chrysalis. If only we would have the faith and trust in our Heavenly Father to see how, after a little season, then we can emerge from our trials more refined and glorious.

I am beginning to see that through suffering and heartache there is peace and happiness. It does come slowly and I know that I may have bad days ahead, but I can also see how much stronger a person can be if they can get through such heartache. I am realizing how precious life is and how blessed I am to be a mother. I still long so much for my baby boy and am sure that I will have bad days here and there, but I am grateful he was with me and I know he still is with me. Helping me and showing me how to be a better mother, wife, friend, and neighbor. I hope the peace I am feeling will one day be with you.