Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Grieving Process

I found so much insight in this chapter. I was able to realize what grief stages I had been through and what stage I was going through. It helps to understand grieving and know that it is ok, you are supposed to grieve. I think I've had many people wonder if I was depressed and I can honestly say that I am not, its called grieving. There are different steps, some people go through each stage in order, others go back and forth and some skip stages, how ever you do go through the process is just fine, its normal. Grieving is healthy and natural.

Grief is necessary. It is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith, but the first step in putting your life back together. Parents who are recovering from the loss of a baby should be encouraged to grieve.
I loved hearing that. Because going through grief and the loss of a baby I feel as though sometimes you are not allowed to grief. That others say, "Oh its been too long." or "Are you depressed?" Its a process and one that can time. The grieving process can be extremely difficult, causing some of the most heart-wrenching pain ever encountered.

Stage 1-Shock and Numbness:
This period can last 48 hours to 2 weeks. Oh I remember this stage so well. This stage can include feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, and depression. Some want to sleep all the time, others although exhausted can not sleep. That was me, I could not sleep. I was so tired and yet I couldn't sleep at all. I remember laying in bed, most nights for the first while and crying myself to sleep. While other nights I would look at the clock almost every hour until almost 3 or 4:00. Other reactions are loss of appetite, difficulty in taking in information, and having uncontrollable emotions. Oh those uncontrollable emotions. I feel as though I still have those. There are days I could cry at the drop of a hat, about nothing.
Guilt is probably the most common. There are many, "What if?" and "I should have." I remember thinking, "What if I had been on bedrest earlier?" or "I probably did too much, I was bleeding the whole pregnancy, I should have taken it easier." These reactions are common but can be devastating to a woman who is trying to cope with the loss. We as women to need to believe that some things are just simply out of our hands.

Stage 2: Searching and Yearning:

This stage can go on for a few months. Many parents during this stage search for reasons as to why it happened. Many women struggle to find evidence that the baby did exist. Many women have dreams of someone leaving a baby at the doorstep, others have the desire to mother a puppy or kitty. Other women actually have aching arms from the desire to hold their baby or have a "broken hearth" where their chest actually aches from the emotion of the trauma.
I felt as though sometimes that my heart was literally breaking. I remember wondering sometimes if the physical pain I felt was normal. I also ached so badly to hold Harrison again, because he was so tiny, not quite a lb, I was scared to hold him closer or tighter for fear or breaking him.
Many women also experience phantom kicks or hear babies cry when there is not one around. I remember feeling kicks or what I thought were kicks, and honestly at times thinking oh I am pregnant, only to remember that I was no longer.
Women are encouraged to create a memorial of some sort for their baby, even in a miscarriage.
Anger is another strong factor in this stage. Many have an anger toward a spouse, Dr, or even God. It is advised to vent your anger somehow or it can turn into serious depression. That is one reason I have Harry's blog, not only for anger, but to just talk about him and all the emotions that come with losing a baby.
In the book Sherri talks about one of the most common initiators of anger is the pain that women feel toward other pregnant women. Pregnancy is such an all-consuming condition, it is often difficult for other women to be considerate of the losses of other women and courteous in dealing with them. One women said, "It seems like after you lose a baby, everyone is pregnant or is holding a newborn." Another women said, "I have a hard time with pregnant women who complain about being uncomfortable or when a new mother complains that her baby is waking her up in the night. I would give anything to be pregnant and uncomfortable. These women just don't realize what they have." I too have felt that before. Its hard being around so many people who are pregnant or having babies. I too find myself thinking, don't complain to me, you don't know what you have that I want so bad. Another women said, "My friend couldn't understand why it was hard for me to talk about her pregnancy and be happy for her. I just couldn't-there was nothing inside me that felt happy, and what little there was I had to hold onto for myself. I know its irrational, but I felt as if Heavenly Father took my baby away and fave it to my friend." I too find it hard to be happy for friends and family when they are pregnant right now or having a baby. I am happy but yet I just want it so bad, its hard to talk about it with them. I just buck up and do it, but little do they know inside its killing me.

Stage 3: Disorientation and Disorganization:

The 3rd stage in grief is typified by depression and lack of motivation. It is most often in the fourth to sixth months after a loss. The person may experience again overeating or lack of appetite and may lose interest in her appearance. There is also a difficulty in making decisions, withdrawal, and reluctance to go out.
When I read this book it hit me, this is the stage I am in. It almost helps to know that its a stage or phase and that hopefully I can get past it. I find there are days where I don't have any motivation. I don't want to go anywhere or be around people. I have days where all I do is eat and days where I will realize its 1:00 and I haven't eaten anything at all. I find myself not wanting to get ready, why, I am just at home taking care of my kids, who will see me? So I stay in my jammies all day. When my husband wants to go somewhere or if someone calls and wants me to do something, it takes a lot of effort, I just don't feel like it. I am getting better but there are days where its just so much easier to do nothing, I just don't want to. I would love some motivation right now. Sherri says the lack of motivation can make any women feel like her life is on hold. That's why I feel like everyone around me is moving on and I am just stuck.
Another common reaction in this stage is feeling like a failure. In the LDS culture the role as a women is so important. Women are seen as "the giver of life" and as one women put it, "everyone is supposed to be able to do it." To many women, having children is the essence of womanhood, and when a women loses a baby, it is common for her to feel as if she has failed. Failed as a women. One women said, "Here is something that all my friends and neighbors could do and i couldn't'. One women even said to me, "You should know how to do this by now." I was shocked to read that, how could someone say that to another women.
Another thing that stuck out to me was when one women said, "Usually the bad things happen to other people, but here I had been the victim of a horrible experience, and I felt like anything could happen to me. I learned there are no guarantees on life." I too felt the same way. Things like this didn't happen to me. I had a good life, I look back and think there were all the signs that I wouldn't have Harrison make it at all, every week they'd say to me, "Well, this will end in a miscarriage or pre-term birth." But I just took it in one ear and out the other. I had two previous healthy pregnancies, nothing would happen to me in this one. I remember all growing up and as a women looking at other families who had lost babies and children. And thinking, how do they do it? They are amazing? Now I know, its not something you just do. I now know that things happen to everyone, even me. This makes me a bit nervous that if this can happen to me, anything can. I feel that I am learning how to cope in this stage, I am in between this stage and the next.

The final stage-Reorganization:

This stage can take months to achieve. The grieving person realizes life does indeed move on and is finally able to enjoy life again with renewed energy and without feeling guilty. I feel I am learning to do this, although there are days I still feel guilty. Its hard for many who have had a loss to even imagine this, but it does happen, peace and joy once again become a part of your life. In this stage there is often a sense of relief.
Reorganization means that the parents come to accept the death of the baby. It does not mean that the pain goes away completely, the parents will be changed forever and will always have a tender place in their hearts. But life does become enjoyable daily, but it should come as no surprise that certain events can trigger the sadness again. Remember that anniversaries of the death, due dates, holidays will still be difficult. But to have a way of celebrating or a memento to remember always helps.
Many parents are able to look back on the happiness of the pregnancy or even find the good that has come out of the loss.
Sherri says, "Perhaps the most exciting element of this stage is that the true greatness of the human spirit becomes apparent in many lives. Those who endure tragedy can claim to have truly lived-to have experienced every possible human emotion. Those who survive tragedy join the elite group of mankind who have suffered and triumphed over the depths of despair."
Emerging as survivors, if they desire, parents will have a special understanding of God's plan. The scriptures and teachings of Christ take on new significance and Christ's suffering in Gethsemane brings a whole new light. Christs suffering on the cross comes into clearer perspective and more personal. I have felt so much closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ through all of this. I know that he died not only for me but for all my sins and trials and did does help a bit to know, "No one is alone."

I hope some insight into this chapter helps you like it helped me to realize that its ok to grieve and that we all go through it differently, but its ok and normal.