Visiting a newborn

A few months into my pregnancy with Harry one of my best friends found out she was pregnant. I was ecstatic. How fun to be pregnant together, have kids, hopefully both the same gender so they could play. Her pregnancy was one of those normal ones while mine was not. Then of course all went down hill and Harry was born too early. No such luck of having our babies be friends in this life. She was such a good friend through it all.
A few weeks after I had Harry she found out she was having a boy. I have to say it was hard so hear. I was so wishing she'd have a girl just so it would be easier on me, but I know now I was being very selfish. i eventually got over it and the last couple weeks as happy as I was for her I was also so jealous. I knew she was going to have her baby boy any day and she was preparing for it. I love those last few weeks of pregnancy. As tired, sick, and fat as you are, its so amazing. Feeling that baby move, getting the room ready, doing all the last minute things, wondering how big and what they'd look like. I wanted it to be me so bad. But I really was happy for her. I couldn't wait to hold him and see him. I kept telling her that security better be close when I come to the hospital to see him because I may be tempted to run out with him. Of course only joking.
Well, that baby boy, Jacob, was born last Saturday. Saturday night her husband called me to tell me everything went great and they were both doing well. I was relieved and excited. The minute I hung up the phone I told Trent and then started crying. All I could think and say was, "I wish it were me right now." I was jealous. Jealous that she had a baby, a boy at that, a healthy one, that she made it through her pregnancy and that all went well. I was so happy for her. I know she was nervous her whole pregnancy, a few people she'd known lately had horrible experiences having babies and losing babies and something was wrong with her babies umbilical cord the whole time, nothing crazy but not good either, so I know she was so nervous and it was finally over and he was here, healthy, and 8 lbs 3 oz and 21 inches long, they were happy and realized.
If it wasn't so late in the night I would've run up to the hospital immediately to see the new baby, but it was so I told them I'd call in the morning. We woke up and went to church and my mind was occupied all day. Thinking about it. I've had two healthy babies in the past, gone through "real" labor 2xs. I say real because Harry was only 21 weeks so I only had to dilate to a 5 or 6 for him to come out. So I know I could do it again and want to do it again I am just scared and nervous to do it again. I tell Trent everyday I want a baby and I know sometime in the next while we probably will try, but paying off all those medical bills and getting me better has been our focus. So hopefully soon.
When we finally got home I called and told them I'd be up shortly. So I hopped in the car and made the short drive to the hospital. I was all nerves. I was shaking and had butterflies. I was so nervous. I didn't know how I'd react. As I made my way to that part of the hospital, it hit me, I hadn't been in that part of the hospital since I went through my experience. I felt the wave of emotions hit me like a brick wall. As I came to her door I hesitated a bit. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to go in? As much as I was so scared at how I'd react when I did go in, I did want to go in. I needed to go in. I entered the room and instantly felt the love and peace that was in the room. I felt as though I was going to cry and then I say her in-laws and held it in. They were holding the sweet baby over by the window so I tried to focus on Laura and talk to her about the experience and how she was doing. Then they asked me if I wanted to hold him, I did, more than they ever knew. So I washed my hands and then took baby Jacob in my arms. Then it hit me, the tears just came and wouldn't stop. I felt so stupid, most of the people in the room had no idea what I had gone through (her in-laws that is). I turned and faced the wall while I held him. I had to close my eyes and not look at him for moment. I prayed for peace and thanked Heavenly Father silently in my mind for the miracles that are born everyday and that I could have one someday. Then I looked down at that precious baby, a miracle. I think all babies are miracles. He was beautiful, perfect, precious. It made me realize how small Harry really was. Harry was half the size of Jacob. I felt so at peace holding him, even though I was bawling. I had not held a newborn since Harry and I think being in the same hospital, the same rooms, and holding a baby that I should've had was just overwhelming. But I was happy. I was so happy for her, for him. I really missed my baby and what I could have, should have had with him. As I left, my mind was full of questions, thoughts, and emotions. I have come to a peaceful place in losing Harry but its still hard sometimes. I realized how much I really did miss out on and how much I really did miss him. I got in my car, closed my eyes and cried. I took a couple of deep breathes, calmed down and drove home thinking of that family and their precious baby boy they get to love everyday. I can't wait for that day again.