Saturday, February 20, 2010

A loss is a loss

I haven't posted in awhile. Not much to say. Sometimes the more I post or check out other Angel mommies blogs it makes me sad for awhile and well, frankly, I like being happy. I like that I am at peace with what happened.  I do miss Harrison and lately a lot. It seems like every time I watch some of my favorite shows on tv, someone is having a baby too early or losing one. And because I am pregnant, and with a little boy its a touchy subject for me to deal with right now because until this baby is in my arms I feel like I can't really breath. Although, things are going great so far.
For instance, The Duggars, yes I watch it, admit it, you do to. For those of you who may not know who I am talking about, they are a family of 19 kids, yes 19! CRAZY is all I can say. But hey they all seem to be great kids and she homeschools all of them so more power to them. However, I have to admit, I've had thoughts and maybe out loud as to how amazing it is that some people can't have one, some people have children with disabilities, and others have horrible pregnancies that end in loses. And they have18 kids and pregnancies and she had not had any problems, until baby 19 came.  I felt horrible for thinking what I did. The mother had gallstones and preclampsia so bad that at 25 weeks they had to deliver her baby. It was the saddest and hardest thing to watch. The baby is alive and having its ups and downs but so far so good. I just blawed the whole episode, litteraly an ugly, couldn't breath kind of cry. It was too much to handle. First off, baby Josie didn't weigh much more than Harrison. She actually looked like him. It was hard to watch because of that but also because I am 26 weeks right now and so to think that if I had my baby at this point it still wouldn't guarantee that everything would go ok. I cried and cried, because I just thought about how much I wanted to make it to 24 weeks so badly. The whole time I was in the hospital thats all I kept hearing, just a few more weeks. Yet I remember moments where I would tell Trent, I can't take it anymore. I was in so much pain and so sick I just couldn't imagine hanging in there for 3 more weeks, yet I would've done it. I think Trent thought I was having a nervous break down and frankly I think I was. I thought about how if my body would have been able to hold for a few more weeks what my life would've been like. My heart ached for them. Not knowing the outcome of their sweet baby girl. I knew that was what I wouldn't have wanted for Harry to see him suffer yet part of me was upset that I didn't get that chance.
I feel like with every milestone I've passed in this pregnancy my chances of having this baby boy in my arms is getting closer and closer. I passed 13 weeks, the point where most pregnancies are successful after that. Then I passed 21 weeks, the point where I had Harrison. I then passed 24 weeks the point where babies are viable to live.  Some live earlier but their chances of survival or having major problems is like 90%.  And now that I am 26 weeks I feel like I've passed all the major hurdles. Things are going well and i feel great, can't complain (although I do). But still, if I were to have this baby tomorrow, there is nothing saying that he would survive or be ok.  So really, I feel like at this point I still can't breath until he is here and in my arms. I am just trying to make it to May and then he can come anytime.  I have reassurance that I've had 2 previous pregnancies that went off without any complications but when you've had one loss it doesn't matter that hope you have dwindles a bit.
Then I was watching Private Practice the other night, again a bad idea. And a couple delivered a baby at I think about 24 weeks. The baby was very sick and they tried a few surgeries but basically there was nothing they could do. So the parents decided to take the baby off life support so they could finally hold him and be with him. I ended up actually fast forwarding(thank heavens for DVR) so that I didn't have to watch.
I guess what I've realized is that it happens, to so many women. It breaks my heart to think that others have to endure what I did.
I recently had a friend who has had some problems lately with her health get pregnant.  I know they were so excited because they had been trying for a few months and her little girl will be 4 in August, so she was ready to have another child. There were some problems from the beginning, not knowing if there was a baby at all or how far along she really was. So she went every few days to get her hormone levels checked. There were days where they were going down but then she had a few days where things seemed to be showing that they were going up.  Well this week she found out that there was a sac but no baby and she was almost 10 weeks along, it is called a blighted ovum.  A loss is a loss. I know people who have never been through any kind of loss or misscarriage probably think, so what there was never a baby.  But they don't get it. There was hope that there was, her body was telling her she was pregnant, when in reality no baby formed. My heart breaks for her because that hope of a new life forming and a sweet spirit coming to earth was gone.  I hope the best for her in the future that she can get pregnant again soon and have another child.
I have another good friend who has had 2 losses both around 16 weeks.  I know she's struggled with infertility and then keeping her pregnancies.  Its so hard to think that people can go through so many losses, why? We don't know.  There is not much that can be done at this point in helping them conceive on their own so they are in the process of adopting. I pray daily and cry for her that it will goes well, that a birth mother will pick them, they are amazing and they deserve to be parents.  
A loss is a loss, I know to some degree they all do vary. I did feel Harrison move, see all the US's when he was alive, go through labor for 3 days with him, they just let it take its time because I was so sick. Its no fun holding your baby who is not alive yet I am grateful I had the chance to be with him and hold his precious little, perfect body. Its also hard that I had to bury him. Its surreal going to your childs grave, and celebrating what would've been his birthday. But I am grateful for every milestone I had with him. He is my son and I love him. I know people who have lost babies after a few months or children and I can't imagine the grief they must go through having memories of them crying, smiling, talking. Its never easy to lose a child at any stage. A parent should never have to bury at child. 
Life is hard. We don't know why things happen like they do but I do know that with a little faith and hope that there is a light and that our Heavenly Father does love us and want the best for us, it may not be what we want but he knows what we need.  And for those of you out there that have never lost a baby, just remember a loss is a loss no matter how small.


  1. I hate it when people marginalize earlier losses. Even mine, 12 days before my due date, has gotten marginalize because "at least I didn't lose her after a couple years old." I hate those "at least" statements. Yeah thanks, my world just fell apart, but I should be upset because it could be "worse."

    I agree, that while later losses are a little different, they are not "worse." There's no ranking system for grief. You lose your future, no matter whether it happens days or weeks into the pregnancy, days from the due date, like me, or years after birth. Either way your future is gone.

    ((hugs)) I hope you can find some peace. Pregnancy after a loss is so hard.

    In his talk "Tragedy or Destiny" (1955 BYU devotional) Spencer W. Kimball talks about why bad things happen to good people. He said that if only good things happened to good people, then all people would be good. Not because of the righteousness of it, but because they didn't want bad things to happen. It wouldn't allow us to live by faith, and it wouldn't allow us our agency. So these trials and pain are the price we pay for our freedom to choose.

    Doesn't make it feel any better, but it can help the understanding of WHY a little bit.


  2. oh my, how completely horrible. You made me cry. am so happy to hear your chinning up, your moving on and you know that you will get to see him again. Peace be with you,

  3. I left a little gift for you on my blog.

  4. I have a cute picture of our angel babies on my blog...

  5. Thankfull heart is a fortable heaven which you bring everywhere