Why Me

Today I am thinking of Harry a lot and of what I have been through the past year or so. This is definitely a "Wo is me" post. I just feel like I am being punished or something. Why do things keep happening to me? I just don't get it.
It all started back a week before I became pregnant with Harry, I got the worst stomach flu or food poisoning I had ever had. I woke up suddenly to a charlie horse and immediately after it went away I was in the bathroom throwing up and well, the other stuff. The pain was so bad and I was continuing to throw up over and over I yelled for my husband. Luckily he came fast because I fainted right there on the toilet. He immediately called 911, he thought I was gone. It took forever to get a response out of me and he was terrified that someone who was passed out could continue to go to the bathroom and throw up. (sorry for details.) The ambulance came and they got me to wake up and stop. My husband took me to the ER himself (much cheaper) and they gave me an iv with meds and fluids. That was already the 2nd time that year I had had a bug like that, this one was definitely the worst.
Then, I became pregnant with Harrison shortly after, which was a surprise, it was the worst pregnancy ever. I remember wondering if I was pregnant because i had a lot of the symptoms but then I thought I had a period so I couldn't have been. But I was and I was bleeding almost everyday, some days it was so bad a pad wouldn't hold anything, I would go through 3 or 4 in minutes. So scary because you aren't supposed to bleed at all and yet Harrison was always ok every time. Then of course I just continued to go down hill. It was so scary for my family to see me suffer and almost die. Coming in and out of consciousness for a long time. Wondering if I would make it or the baby. I remember every time they got me to wake up, I ask how the baby was, they'd say, just fine. They said the worry was for me, not him, he didn't have a chance at that moment. I remember thinking, no save him. I hemorrhaged for days, receiving blood transfusions for days and then finally having the outcome it did. I remember and regret now, telling my husband I couldn't do it anymore. There was a possibility that they could stabilize me and stop the labor and if I could hang on for a few more weeks then his chances of survival would go up to almost 85%. I remember thinking, "A few weeks?" How can I continue to get blood for a few weeks, continue to be in so much pain and every time I moved I felt as though I was going to pass out, my blood pressure was so low and I was so sick from an infection from my placenta ripping, I just didn't feel I could do that for a few more weeks. But then the worst outcome possible. The labor started again and I continued to bleed so bad that there was nothing they could do. They needed me to get better and the only way was to let the labor continue. I remember being so sad and overcome with emotion. I was so scared and upset that Harry was going to be born and he would not survive. Yet I remember feeling a bit of relief that I was going to be ok. How horrible was I? The saddest part of it all was that when he was born the placenta was out and they stabilized me I continued to get better and better by the minute. That is so hard to live with. Me, Harrison's mother, who was supposed to take care of him and give him life, my body was not able to do its part. And once he was born, I was better. I think of that often. I know I am so blessed to be here so that I can take care of the children I do have and be with my husband but there are days when I am sad that I wasn't able to have the outcome I wanted. The baby I wanted so much to be here.
I remember being terrified after he was born that my blood levels would continue to drop because those of you that have had babies know that you bleed heavily after you have a baby. I remember the next morning waking up and being so scared to see blood again. I had seen enough, I wanted no part of that. I remember it not being bad at all. Nothing like I had the whole pregnancy, nothing like I had after my other kids, you couldn't even compare it to a period. It was nothing. I was so relieved, but it was also a reminder that the placenta was what was killing me, that I was better because Harrison was not inside me anymore. That was hard to grasp. It was a struggle for awhile, because that part of my recovery, that part that is usually the worst after you have a baby was not bad at all. I also remember being terrified to have my first period after. Why would I want to see more blood? Why would I want to be reminded that that part of my body failed me and all of a sudden it was working? It was not fair.
Two weeks after I had Harrison was Thanksgiving, I was still recovering, trying to regain my strength and go on with life. That night I remember going to bed with a stomach ache but just putting it off as "too much food." I woke up in the middle of the night to yup, food poisoning. I was so sick, doubled over and pain, and I was still so weak from everything, I had no strength at all and then to have this, I was so weak. I was given some meds to help with the pain, nausea, but nothing helped, it just had to take its course. That day we were also packing to move. What a crazy time, moving shortly after Harrison was born and getting so sick shortly after. I know I was so sick because my immune system was out of wack from being so sick, having a baby, and the stress and metal state that I was in. It was a very difficult time in my life.
I remembered thinking, that's it, no more sickness, no more stomach flu, I've had my fair share of trials, sicknesses, I'm sure Heavenly Father will spare me anymore.
We did good for a bit. The kids were healthy all winter and so was I. We moved into our new house, we love it here and were so welcomed. We had a great holiday season and I felt we started to feel better. Then things started to hit me, I started to get sad again, the due date was creeping up on me as a reminder that I should be having a baby. But I was healthy and doing well. Then Hudson got the stomach flu. Then last week Ruby got croup so bad she wasn't breathing well, we had to to her to an urgent care one night so she could get some meds to open her airway. I didn't sleep for days. One night I should've taken her to the ER because she couldn't breath but I was sick with horrible cramping and some sort of bug that I took a phenergan to help with it so I was too loopy to take her. Then as she recovered this week from croup she got an ear infection. I was surprised because she's only had one her whole life. So we were still having sleepless nights. Thursday she finally felt better and I was so excited to finally get some sleep, sleep that I seriously hadn't had in 5 nights. That night I had the worst stomach ache. I told Trent and he said, please no more, I figured it was nothing. I decided to take a hot bath to relax and minutes later was throwing up. My poor husband tried to help me but it was too late, everywhere. It lasted for hours. I just cried, "Why me?" I don't know what is wrong. Am I being punished? Do I have something wrong with my stomach? Am I still sick and trying to recover from everything? Is my immune system that bad that I get it every time? It was a horrible night and yesterday I just laid in bed so weak and nauseous. Today I am feeling better but I am just so weak, I even lost 7 lbs, crazy.
I am left with the questions, "Why me?" I honestly don't get it. I've had my fair share I would say of sicknesses, trials, tribulations, I don't need anymore. Plus my poor husband is terrified of me, every time I am in the bathroom he knocks and says, "are you ok?" I've traumatized him for life.
I've had a lot to think about the past few days, being alone in a dark room in pain and being sick and wondering why. I don't know why but I know that I am ok. I know that I am still here. I am here to do my job as a mother and wife. I know that Heavenly Father spared my life for a reason, yet I keep wondering why I keep getting sick and having crazy things happen to me. All I know is that I'll keep on going. I need to be here for my kids, live life to the fullest, and just be happy. I am trying but its hard when life keeps bringing me down.
We will never know the answers to life's questions, to those "Why me" so I just have to move on with faith.
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, "The question “Why me?” can be a difficult one to answer and often leads to frustration and despair. There is a better question to ask ourselves. That question is “What could I learn from this experience?”
The way we answer that question may determine the quality of our lives not only on this earth but also in the eternities to come. Though our trials are diverse, there is one thing the Lord expects of us no matter our difficulties and sorrows: He expects us to press on.
Jesus taught, “He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.” And, “If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed.” Some think of enduring to the end as simply suffering through challenges, I agree at times I do. But it is so much more than that—it is the process of coming unto Christ and being perfected in Him.
Also in the D&C 58 it says, “Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation...For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand."
I know I just need to humble, have faith, and be grateful I find it difficult especially when I feel like I am failing but I will continue to try. Its the only thing I know how to do, try.