I was so so grateful to see this chapter in the book. I felt as though I was receiving all the books, cards, flowers, love and not my husband. It was so nice to read together and get some comfort as to how a father feels and why and how they grieve. Plus it gave me an understanding as to how men do grieve and helped me ask the right questions as to how he was feeling. It is different than women and a very hard thing for them. It breaks my heart when I see my husband sad, when he breaks down and cries because he doesn't do it often, I think I've only seen him cry once or twice since we'd been married, so to see him so sad and cry all the time now is really hard.
At the beginning of this chapter Sherri says that when a couple experiences a tragedy it will do one of two things: bong the marriage closer together or pull those bonds slowly apart. When a couple shares grief there can be tenderness and understanding or tension and anger. It hurts really bad to think that the loss of a child could bring an end to a marriage but it happens.
At the beginning of this chapter Sherri says that when a couple experiences a tragedy it will do one of two things: bong the marriage closer together or pull those bonds slowly apart. When a couple shares grief there can be tenderness and understanding or tension and anger. It hurts really bad to think that the loss of a child could bring an end to a marriage but it happens.
I do feel from our experience that we have come closer together in a way. I know when we have those horrible, sad, crying nights, we talk all night, hold each other and feel so much closer. But there are days, days where I am sad, have no motivation, or days where I am crazy, can't stop doing anything, shop till I drop, clean all day, just hard days that I don't want comfort from him or anyone, I want to be alone, at least I think so. Where on the other hand my husband wants me to hold him, for him its the closeness with me that helps him.
Many problems occur in the marriage because of society's lack of interest in a fathers grief, as well as the differences in how men and women grief.
The overlooked partner:
One way is that Fathers grieve in a different way almost now a days. They are encouraged to be involved in the pregnancy and birth. They can hold the baby right away, cut the cord, even participate in the first bath. They are encouraged to attend the Dr appts, read, and attend classes. These can be advantages and are helpful with the father-child relationship but what happens when something goes wrong? One women said, "It really hurt after we lost our baby to have people walk past my husband to give me a hug. No one even thought that he might be hurting too." I have felt the same way. I was the one getting cards, help with the kids, flowers, gifts, and I felt that at times because I was so sick and almost died everyone was concerned for me, when my husband lived the whole thing. Watching me suffer, almost losing me and then having to lose his child in the end. I do feel the father is over looked in situations when a child dies within the womb or shortly after.
In society boys are raised to "buck up" and that "real men don't cry." But women cry and talk about their emotions. These differences can lead to conflict and cause misunderstanding in the marriage after a tragedy. Men are stoic and "strong" during these hard times but women may see it as he is not grieving. On the other hand when a man finally does realize he's not that strong and cries, he can face self-esteem problems. Thinking, "whats wrong with me, I'm not supposed to feel this way?"
The role as the protector:
Men feel responsible for their wives and children. So when a baby is lost, the father is concerned for not only his baby but his wife who has gone through physical and emotional trauma, so men feel they need to keep things, "business as usual" to give his wife the normalcy she needs.
The mother is given a brief "grace period" to grieve, but the father is expected to deal with the public and move on. Many men also feel they can't talk about with their wife so to protect her from further pain. One women said, "I kept asking my husband what he felt and was angry that he wouldn't share his feelings with me. But I have to admit, when I finally did see him cry, it almost tore me apart." I feel the same way. Whenever my husband has a bad day or is the one coming to me crying or when I found out he too cried himself to sleep many nights it hurt me so much. One man whose wife had many miscarriages said, "every time my wife loses a baby, I lose another part of her. There's nothing I can do to help."
On the job:
Going back to work is hard for many men. They have a difficult time concentrating and resent working. Many men find the lack of empathy from coworkers difficulty. Many say that if anything is said to them its about the well being of the wife.
On the other hand many men grief by becoming absorbed in their work. They can think about something else and work long hours as to avoid situations at home. I know my husband, having his own business had to get right back to work and I know the stress of that didn't help. But he had to do it. He said its nice to get his mind on something else. But when work is over on the way home its all he can think about.
How Do men grieve?
Men express their feelings openly when their wife is not around. Many experience irritability and short tempers. Some men feel that engaging in martial arts, jogging or other physical exercise is helpful. Other men internalize their feelings which can lead to health problems, headaches and chest pains due to anxiety. Here are some ways men can follow to help grieving:
Talk about your feelings-if you are not comfortable talking with your spouse, talk with a friend, counselor, bishop, or another man whose been through a similar experience.
Channel your anger properly-yard work, athletics, or again talk to someone who will accept your anger.
Allow yourself to cry- Its the first step to resolving your feelings. Cry in private, but don't keep it inside.
Do not place blame-Its is completely normal to want to blame someone, but women suffer from EXTREME guilt(I do) after losing a baby. Also Drs and nurses are not perfect. Losing a child teaches us that we have little control in our lives.
Be patient with your wife-A mother-infant bond is very intimate and starts from the beginning. Some men grieve just as much and as long as their wives; others become impatient with how long it takes their wives or the attention they get.
Make your own memorial-Write a letter to the baby, plant a tree or flower, build something. A tangible thing can be helpful for men. My husband the day after Harrison was born wrote him a song. I think it was the best way for him to describe his feelings. We are also planting a tree this year at our new house for Harrison as a memorial in our yard for him.
There are a few things that can help a couple cope with the loss together:
Pray together-pray for understanding, pray for each other.
If possible, attend temple together or other church services- nothing puts life into perspective that reviewing Heavenly Father plan for us. I know when my husband and I attended the temple after it was a sense of peace to know we were sealed so we could be together forever. And that Harrison is waiting for us.
Attend support groups- Meeting other couples or men who are experiencing the same thing helps. Even if you feel the grief is resolved attend with your wife. It will give men greater insight into the wives emotions.
Realize that you grieve differently-
Keep Dating-Spend time together, along. I know that is something my husband and I have had little to do, having 2 other kids, moving right after, holidays and work. I know dates and time alone with something couples need. I told Trent all I wanted for my b-day was a night away even if it was just to Salt Lake. So we'll see if I get it.
Talk about better times-talk about when you met, feel in love, pleasant experiences you've had together.
Maintain a sense of humor-Remember old jokes, funny memories. It may be hard at first to laugh, I know when I would laugh or have a good time shortly after I thought I was being a bad mother. But it is helpful and can be a blessing and a relief.
Touch and hold each other-Reaffirm your love for one another, even a gentle touch or hug.
Many problems occur in the marriage because of society's lack of interest in a fathers grief, as well as the differences in how men and women grief.
The overlooked partner:
One way is that Fathers grieve in a different way almost now a days. They are encouraged to be involved in the pregnancy and birth. They can hold the baby right away, cut the cord, even participate in the first bath. They are encouraged to attend the Dr appts, read, and attend classes. These can be advantages and are helpful with the father-child relationship but what happens when something goes wrong? One women said, "It really hurt after we lost our baby to have people walk past my husband to give me a hug. No one even thought that he might be hurting too." I have felt the same way. I was the one getting cards, help with the kids, flowers, gifts, and I felt that at times because I was so sick and almost died everyone was concerned for me, when my husband lived the whole thing. Watching me suffer, almost losing me and then having to lose his child in the end. I do feel the father is over looked in situations when a child dies within the womb or shortly after.
In society boys are raised to "buck up" and that "real men don't cry." But women cry and talk about their emotions. These differences can lead to conflict and cause misunderstanding in the marriage after a tragedy. Men are stoic and "strong" during these hard times but women may see it as he is not grieving. On the other hand when a man finally does realize he's not that strong and cries, he can face self-esteem problems. Thinking, "whats wrong with me, I'm not supposed to feel this way?"
The role as the protector:
Men feel responsible for their wives and children. So when a baby is lost, the father is concerned for not only his baby but his wife who has gone through physical and emotional trauma, so men feel they need to keep things, "business as usual" to give his wife the normalcy she needs.
The mother is given a brief "grace period" to grieve, but the father is expected to deal with the public and move on. Many men also feel they can't talk about with their wife so to protect her from further pain. One women said, "I kept asking my husband what he felt and was angry that he wouldn't share his feelings with me. But I have to admit, when I finally did see him cry, it almost tore me apart." I feel the same way. Whenever my husband has a bad day or is the one coming to me crying or when I found out he too cried himself to sleep many nights it hurt me so much. One man whose wife had many miscarriages said, "every time my wife loses a baby, I lose another part of her. There's nothing I can do to help."
On the job:
Going back to work is hard for many men. They have a difficult time concentrating and resent working. Many men find the lack of empathy from coworkers difficulty. Many say that if anything is said to them its about the well being of the wife.
On the other hand many men grief by becoming absorbed in their work. They can think about something else and work long hours as to avoid situations at home. I know my husband, having his own business had to get right back to work and I know the stress of that didn't help. But he had to do it. He said its nice to get his mind on something else. But when work is over on the way home its all he can think about.
How Do men grieve?
Men express their feelings openly when their wife is not around. Many experience irritability and short tempers. Some men feel that engaging in martial arts, jogging or other physical exercise is helpful. Other men internalize their feelings which can lead to health problems, headaches and chest pains due to anxiety. Here are some ways men can follow to help grieving:
Talk about your feelings-if you are not comfortable talking with your spouse, talk with a friend, counselor, bishop, or another man whose been through a similar experience.
Channel your anger properly-yard work, athletics, or again talk to someone who will accept your anger.
Allow yourself to cry- Its the first step to resolving your feelings. Cry in private, but don't keep it inside.
Do not place blame-Its is completely normal to want to blame someone, but women suffer from EXTREME guilt(I do) after losing a baby. Also Drs and nurses are not perfect. Losing a child teaches us that we have little control in our lives.
Be patient with your wife-A mother-infant bond is very intimate and starts from the beginning. Some men grieve just as much and as long as their wives; others become impatient with how long it takes their wives or the attention they get.
Make your own memorial-Write a letter to the baby, plant a tree or flower, build something. A tangible thing can be helpful for men. My husband the day after Harrison was born wrote him a song. I think it was the best way for him to describe his feelings. We are also planting a tree this year at our new house for Harrison as a memorial in our yard for him.
There are a few things that can help a couple cope with the loss together:
Pray together-pray for understanding, pray for each other.
If possible, attend temple together or other church services- nothing puts life into perspective that reviewing Heavenly Father plan for us. I know when my husband and I attended the temple after it was a sense of peace to know we were sealed so we could be together forever. And that Harrison is waiting for us.
Attend support groups- Meeting other couples or men who are experiencing the same thing helps. Even if you feel the grief is resolved attend with your wife. It will give men greater insight into the wives emotions.
Realize that you grieve differently-
Keep Dating-Spend time together, along. I know that is something my husband and I have had little to do, having 2 other kids, moving right after, holidays and work. I know dates and time alone with something couples need. I told Trent all I wanted for my b-day was a night away even if it was just to Salt Lake. So we'll see if I get it.
Talk about better times-talk about when you met, feel in love, pleasant experiences you've had together.
Maintain a sense of humor-Remember old jokes, funny memories. It may be hard at first to laugh, I know when I would laugh or have a good time shortly after I thought I was being a bad mother. But it is helpful and can be a blessing and a relief.
Touch and hold each other-Reaffirm your love for one another, even a gentle touch or hug.
I love my sweet husband. We went through so much last year and he stuck by me, always loving me and still looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes with so much love in them. It has hurt me to see him so sad and grieve. I remember being so sick and in and out of consciousness for awhile and every time coming to and having him by my side, holding my hand, kissing me and loving me. I scared him so much and almost losing me and then in the end losing his son has been a hard thing for him. He is a wonderful father and was so excited to have another little boy. I know losing Harrison has been really difficult on him and I think he's shocked him how difficult it really has been on him. But I am grateful we have each other and feel that as sad as this situation is we have grown closer and have stronger understanding of each other and our family. We can't wait to someday bring another child into this world. How happy the day will be.
Oh April, thank you so much for sharing this chapter. I am going to share this with my husband when we get back home.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Our dear husbands....
ReplyDeleteI ache for mine and wish that I could do something to make things easier. I am kind of learning the little things that I can do to make his burden lighter. Thank you for remembering them.
Love ya