Dreams

Ever since Harrison was born I have wanted to dream of him so bad. I have wanted to dream about what he would look like or sound like. But I never had until last night. Last night while I was laying in bed I was flipping through the channels and nothing was on so I stopped on "Deliver Me" its a show about 3 OB/Gyns and the patients they see. I have not been able to watch a Baby story or any other baby, pregnancy, or birthing show since he was born. Those were the only shows I watched while I was pregnant. I was on bed rest for a long time and so that's what I watched and I loved them, I was literally obsessed with them. But after Harry was born if they came on I had to change the channel right away, I would do all I could to not have to watch someone on tv pregnant, talking about pregnancy, or giving birth. But for some reason last night I couldn't turn it off. I just watched in awe at these mothers having perfect pregnancy's, perfect babies, babies being born on time. I found myself with a smile on the whole time and crying not because I was sad but because it truly is a miracle when babies are born. I found myself wanting to have a baby so bad. My husband walked in as I was watching it and I think he was shocked I was actually watching it. He walked in right as a mother was giving birth. I didn't know how he'd react either. I said, "see don't you want one?" He just smiled and said, "Yes." Anyways, I think because I had watched the show I was thinking about being pregnant and babies a lot, so I dreamt about it.
I dreamt that I all of a sudden felt the baby kicking me. In the dream I had forgotten I was pregnant and so when I felt the baby move I was shocked at first and then I remembered that I was pregnant. I was so excited and just held my stomach. I kept saying the name Harry too. That's really all I remember about the dream but when I woke up and remembered I found myself placing my hand on my stomach and waiting for some sort of movement. Nothing. Of course I knew I wasn't but there was a split second where I hoped it was true. It made me sad and was so weird to have that dream or think I was pregnant because its been 5 months since he's been gone.
I find myself daily thinking about getting pregnant again, having another baby. I want to so bad. I tell my husband all the time that I am ready. But am I? I honestly feel mentally I am ready but yet I can't imagine how I would feel when I do get pregnant, its the unknown. What if I bleed again? I know I will for sure panic. Its a scary thing yet something I am wanting more and more. A few things holding me back are: money, timing, and just that I am scared.
Money is holding me back because we do not have maternity insurance. My husband is self employed so we only have major medical, so you can imagine the bills we have after having Harrison. Actually because I was in the hospital for so long and it was not a normal pregnancy so the insurance did pay most of the $35,000. There were just a few things here and there that we have to pay for but they still add up to about $4000-5000. I know timing shouldn't be an issue but it is. If you get pregnant in March then its a December baby. I already have a December baby, December 21 and it is hard. That's why when I found out I was pregnant and due in March I was so excited. Perfect time of year, no more winter. Also on either side of our family there is no one with a March birthday so it was perfect. And also timing because its only been a few months and how will I react, how will others react.
And then there's the scared part. I am scared that I might not get pregnant or get pregnant for a long time. I think about it all that time that even if I did get pregnant today, it would be next year when the baby would be born. How crazy is that? And so to put it off is not sitting well with me. I feel that taking birth control to prevent a baby seems so wrong right now. But I needed the time to heal, to recover. I keep telling my husband that when my sample of BC are gone in May then I am not taking anymore but that isn't very far away. That also means that I would be pregnant around the same time as I was with Harrison and probably due around the same time. Will that be hard? Should I wait so I don't have to go through all the same emotions at the same time? So many questions. And I know there is not a right or wrong answer as to when to get pregnant but its hard to know. I have read parts of a book called, "Pregnancy after a loss-A guide to pregnancy after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death." I haven't read it all because it goes through each phase, the loss, after the loss, when to get pregnant, and then goes through each phase of pregnancy and after. She says that she spoke with a lot of women who had lost a baby and one women who made the decision to get pregnancy right away said,"I don't know if it would've been any less stressful if I had waited a year, but I do know that being pregnant again gave me hope at a time when I had none. And I sort of felt like if I didn't do it right away, I would never do it again." Some women who were forced to put off pregnancy because they were unable to conceive again believe that waiting was not in their best interest. Melinda who did not get pregnant for 1 1/2 year after wishes things turned out differently. "Waiting was very hard me. I had those empty arms and that just about drove me crazy. I just wanted to hold babies. I didn't care whose babies they were. And once I did get pregnant again, I was still scared to death. Waiting didn't help me at all."
That's what is so hard. I have heard that many women who were given the ok to try again did and were grateful they did, they felt it wouldn't have been any easier if they had waited longer. Most women are told to wait 2-3 cycles before trying again. However some Dr's recommend waiting for about 6 months to mentally prepare. I don't know when the exact time for me will be, however I feel that no matter when I get pregnant I will be scared like Melinda. I don't think waiting a year or two will change that feeling. I just know that a healthy baby will mean the world to me. It does scare me though, because in reading parts of this book there is a chapter on High-Risk Pregnancies. And it states that if you have had a placental abruption, which is what I had, you have a 12% chance of having it happen again. I was shocked when I read that. Placental problems are responsible for 15-25% of all stillbirths and early infant deaths. It occurs when the placenta separates from the wall of the uterus before or during birth. Normally it doesn't' separate until after the baby is delivered. When it does happen prematurely it deprives the baby of nourishment it needs to survive. It also causing bleeding in the mother which can put her life at risk. The weird thing was is that there are certain things that put you at risk for a placental abruption, high blood pressure, smoking, abdominal trauma, several D&C's, and I had none of those, it was a fluke thing. However, I do wonder sometimes. We went to a local amusement park, Lagoon, kind of like a Six Flags and I rode almost every ride. I love roller coasters. I joked with my husband that if I was pregnant I shouldn't be riding the rides. We had suspected I was pregnant but I was on the pill so we just assumed I wasn't. Well, turns out I was probably about 7-8 weeks along when I went to Lagoon. I wonder all the time, did that have anything to do with what happened? I was almost 10 weeks when I finally went to the Dr to see. Because I had been bleeding from the beginning I just assumed it was my period. When it really wasn't. But my Dr and husband reassure me that the rollercoasters probably had nothing to do with what happened, but the probably is what makes me wonder. I was bleeding from the beginning. So it scared me when I read that there was a chance of it happening again. . I thought I would be ok, so I know that when I do get pregnant it will be a long 9 months of appointments making sure me and the baby are ok.
I know my hubby and I will be doing a lot of thinking, praying, and pondering on when to have another child. It scares me so much but also the thought of it makes me so happy and puts a big smile on my face. Until then, I can only dream because, "A Dream is a Wish your heart makes." And I believe that to be true.