6 Months

Today my little Harrison would be 6 months old. I can't believe its already been that long. Somedays it seems like it was yesterday and other times it seems like forever ago. Today I wonder, what would he look like? Would he have strawberry blonde hair and green eyes like Hudson? Or would he have dark curly hair and blue eyes like Ruby? Would he like Rice cereal? Would he be sitting and scooting? Would he be sleeping through the night or still waking me up for more milk? Would he be just as good of a baby as Hudson and Ruby? I wonder so many things about him. When I think of him in Heaven, I know he is man, but I picture him as a little boy maybe 2 or 3, actually looking like Hudson but with darker hair. I picture him being so sweet and loving to all. I know he is with us every day. I feel him near and feel so blessed that we were chosen to be parents to such a special little boy. As much as I miss him I have to say, that the sadness doesn't occupy my every thought and action now. Its a little hard to say that, but I know its ok to say that I am doing well. It doesn't mean I love him any less or that I've moved on, I don't think I'll ever Move on, but I am comforted and at peace knowing that he is in heaven and safe and I will be with him again. At my Dr's appt the other day I was just telling him how good I was doing. I never thought in those moments of horrible sadness and grief that I would ever be able to recover from losing him, that I would ever be able to say that I was "happy." But I have to say that I am. Its not to say that I don't miss him or wonder what he would be like, or every now and again get sad, or wonder how my life would be different having three kids to raise on this earth. I still get jealous/sad when I see pregnant women or have friends who are having babies. Its a hard thing to deal with but I am happy for them. I know they deserve happiness. I know someday I will be able to be in that same situation, being pregnant and full of joy at a new life. I feel so at peace now. I no longer cry myself to sleep or cry at the drop of a hat. I feel so much love and peace from my Heavenly Father and I am grateful for the 21 weeks I was able to have him alive inside of me and feel his spirit in me everyday. I am so grateful for the hours we were able to hold him and love him. Its hard when I think back on the day he was born and the days that lead up to it. Sometimes I let my mind wonder and I start thinking about how scary and traumatic it was, but if I can get my mind on the minute he was born, to the amazing spirit that was in the room and how thin the veil was at that moment, I smile. I also remember when Lane (Trent's dad) and Trent held him over chest and gave him a name and a blessing. I only wish that my dad had not left so he could be apart of it. I cry, as I am right now, thinking of that moment. The moment Lane gave him a name, Harrison Samuel Maw and the moment he thanked Heavenly Father and Harry for letting me live so that I could be here to take care of my family. For asking Harry to take care of me and our family. To watch over us and always keep our family together, safe, and love one another. That we could be together forever. I will never forget that moment. The peace and quiet that was in that room. I know his little spirit was there. OH man its hard to see the computer screen right now, tears. I will always cherrish that moment. I can't wait for a baby to come to our family someday. Its something that terrifies me more than anything to get pregnant and go through it all over again, but I know the day when come when I can be blessed with another child. I have to get healthy first. We are a stronger, closer family because Harrison is apart of our lives. We love him so much and I love that Hudson and Ruby still pray from him everyday and talk about him. He is apart of our family and always will be. I miss my baby boy but I am so grateful for him and love him.