1 Year

One year ago today we said Hello and Goodbye to our sweet baby boy Harrison Samuel Maw. Today is a bitter sweet day. Its hard to celebrate your babies 1st birthday when they aren't even here. I can honestly say I didn't want to get up this morning. I have actually been dreading this time of year. Halloween, the dressing up, the parties. I was so sick last year and in the hospital that I missed out on it all. It doesn't have good memories of this time of year. So when I had waited till last minute to get costumes for the kids I realized I was putting it off because I didn't want to face Halloween. But I am grateful I am healthy and am able to celebrate with them this year although it is hard.
The kids were begging for breakfast but I didn't want to get out of bed, all I could think about was what happened 1 year ago. How much my life changed in one day. I remember so vividly that day and the days that lead up to it, those days while I was in the hospital are a bit blurry because I was not all there. I do remember a few days before I had Harrison, the night when things went terribly wrong. I started to hemorrhage and then a code was called and there was a team of nurses and Doctors working on me. And in the midst of it all when I was out for a moment, I remember peace. I remember thinking, this isn't scary, I feel so happy and peaceful. There was no commotion. Then I woke up and saw everyone around me. There was commotion, there was panic, there were tears and fear in Trents and my moms eyes. Then I realized it was not good. I tried to cling to that few seconds when I was out and felt peace, but for the next 4 days there was little peace. I was in labor the whole time but it was slow. I was so sick they were just letting it take its course. I remember telling Trent, what happened to me, how while I was out, I felt peaceful, I believe that was Heavenly Fathers way of comforting me and saying to me, you can do this, I am with you and I love you. The physical and emotional pain over those days was awful, but that few seconds when I felt that peace and whenever I received blessings through it all I felt the presence of our Heavenly Father. All I can say is my prayers were not answered in the way I wanted them to because otherwise my baby would be here today, but I do know that I was saved, I am alive today. I was able to see and hold my baby and I am able to be here for my kids, husband and family. We are also so blessed that we are able to have more children and that I am pregnant again now.
As scary as the situation was, when he was born there was peace. The veil was thin and I know that even though Harrison was not alive, he was in the room along with other angels and Heavenly Father. I will never be able to explain that feeling but all I can say is I Cherish those moments so much. I am grateful we were able to give him a name and a blessing and that when the blessing was given that Lane, (trents dad) thanked Harrison for letting me live. He also asked that Harrison would be an angel for our family. That we'd always remember him and that he'd watch over us and keep us together so we could all be together again.
I love him so much. Its hard to explain how much I really love him. Today is a hard day but I am getting through it. I have prayed for peace today and I feel it, although its been very emotional. Trent teaches late on Wednesday nights so we decided to celebrate his birthday on Monday for family home evening. So all our family came out and meet at his grave, we said a few words, and then did a balloon realise. Then we had everyone sign a pumpkin for him since he is our Halloween baby. It was such a neat experience. To see all those balloons go up.
I just wanted to say Thank You for all your love an support over the past year. For listening to me complain and for letting me talk about Harrison on our blog. He is my son and always will be. I love him dearly and know he is apart of our family and is watching over us daily. I like to think that today is he hugging me and that he is with me. I am grateful to have Hudson and Ruby in my life, I think I have given them way to many hugs and kisses today and told them I loved them a lot. I think you should all do the same.

The whole family together.

We all wrote on a pumpkin our b-day wishes to Harry.

We were so grateful to all our family that came out to celebrate such a special birthday.

It was quite emotional seeing all the balloons go up in the air.

After we let the balloons go Hudson started crying and couldn't stop. Its so heartbreaking to see your kids upset. He really loves his baby brother and misses him. He kept asking why Harrison wasn't there for his party. I am glad my kids have been apart of Harrison's life from the beginning and were able to hold him and love him. However I think it gave them a strong connection to him and its been hard for them to cope with the loss, at least Hudson.

Happy Birthday Harrison. We LOVE YOU!!!!!