Thursday, December 17, 2009

Its a...............................

My Dr doesn't' normally do US every appt but lately with the emotions and anxiety I've been having about this baby and pregnancy is getting worse. I'm approaching the time when things got worse and worse in my pregnancy with Harry and will soon be 21 weeks, which is when I had Harry. So its a hard time for me. I almost called my dr last week because of some pains I was having and just some worries but I decided I could wait one more week for my 16 week check up. A lot of pregnant women after 12 weeks think, phew, and a lot of people keep telling me, "yeah you've made it past the scary part", but really I haven't, I had a baby at 21 weeks and have a lot of friends who had babies at term who didn't make it, so really, until this baby is home and in my arms I don't think I'll be able to breath.
So I asked Trent if he could rearrange his schedule so he could come with me and give me some support.
The nurse walked in and I was trying not to cry. I think she could tell I was nervous and asked how I was. I explained that I was panicking, worried, so she said she'd take me to the US room so the Dr could give me some peace of mind. The minute the nurse left I started crying and couldn't stop. I wasn't sure if I was crying because of all that happened last time and being pregnant again was triggering those emotions, the nurse called it post traumatic stress, or if I was so emotional and worried because it was my bodies way of telling me something really was wrong. I was so glad Trent was there to be with me and hold me. He kept saying, it would be ok, although I'd heard that before and it wasn't the case, i felt like it would be.
Then my sweet Dr came in and felt so bad I was so emotional. He just smiled and said he'd take care of me and wanted us to have good news. So he started the US and the sweet baby was waving at us. It was so cute. My Dr couldn't have been happier to tell us that the placenta was in the right spot, no cysts, no blood clots, wonderful heartbeat, and what looked like a perfect baby. I was so relieved. I was still shaking and crying but I was so happy. My Dr was wonderful and took his time with us and talked to us reassuring us its totally normal to feel this way when you've had a traumatic experience and thing trigger it back up or are similar, like being pregnant again, to be emotional and overwhelmed. He said he was so happy to deliver good news and be apart of it and just told us he was here when ever we needed him. He is the best!!!!
We then asked if he could tell what it was. He said he'd try. He was pretty sure the "stuff" we were looking at were boy parts but he said he wasn't 100%, but he was pretty sure. So yes, a BOY!!!!! I was actually shocked I thought for some reason it was a girl, but we are so happy. I know Hudson and Ruby are happy is a boy because they miss their baby brother so much and now they both get to have a baby brother here on earth. I know when he's born it will be emotional holding a live baby boy but I also know it will be amazing. I am just curious for those of you who have had children after the loss of another one what it was like to either have the same sex or opposite sex? I think if it was a girl I'd be sad because I'd feel like I missed out my baby boy yet I feel like because its a boy I will be sad because I didn't get to raise Harrison here. So I guess its a mixture either way.
I know as I approach 20-21 weeks over the next month that it will be hard but I at least have a peace of mind that things are going well and nothing like last time. I am sooo grateful to be pregnant again and grateful for another baby boy. We can't wait for him to come, although we can.


  1. It truly is scary to be pregnant again. But I got that feeling with Erin that even though I was so scared, deep down I knew I'd get to take her home. Blessings are WONDERFUL things. I had many blessings from my husband when I was scared and couldn't get in to the doctor.

    I had the same gender and like you said, it was mixed either way. A friend on a stillbirth support forum said it so well when she said that not only are you preparing for the BABY but you're preparing to be the mother of that gender too. Since I got to have another girl, I got to use all those things I had gotten for her. In a way that was healing. I didn't have to box it up and put it away before putting a baby in it.

    I'm so glad to hear that everything is looking good. That's a comfort, that you don't have anything REAL to worry about on top of the post-loss worries and anxiety. (hugs)

  2. hi there!! so glad everything is going well and congratulations...I know it's a day as it comes type scenario and you just want that baby in your's like taking a deep breath in and exhaling once they are safely in your arms..I know our Harrys will be up there in heaven watching on and wishing baby dust down to you..

  3. Congratulations!! Even a few months ago I would wonder what gender I wanted next; having lost a girl, would I want a boy? But now (and it's still a secret to everyone else) I am just barely pregnant again and feel like it's a girl and I am actually really excited by getting another chance to have a baby girl. I think it would be really healing for me. Then again, having a boy would be fine too.

    So excited for you guys! I understand all the emotions. Good luck!

  4. Oh April, I am so happy for you and your family. Another little boy yay!


  5. April, I'm glad I read your post about getting an US and I'm so glad it went well!!! I am having one next Tuesday and I am freaked out!! Deep down I think I feel like things are gong to be okay, but I cant help but be very nervous about it. SO thank you for sharing your feeling about yours. I hope everything continues to go perfectly!!!!!

  6. Yay! Congratulations! I remember feeling so many mixed emotions when I first got pregnant after losing Savannah. I thought for sure I wanted a boy because I wouldn't want any other girl but her. But then I realized how much I loved this little one no matter what he/she was I loved her and that she had her own place in this family separate from her big sister. When Olivia was born, I have to say that it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and I was glad she was a girl. Holding her that night and still a couple weeks later, I press her cheek to mine and feel so close to my angel, not because her sister is a replacement, but because I know she is fresh from our angels arms!